Guest Blog by Janie 53 ~ I Am an Ordinary Middle Aged Woman ~ The Other Woman

~ I Am an Ordinary Middle Aged Woman ~ The Other Woman
Posted June 5, 2013 - 11:43am
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~ I Am an Ordinary Middle Aged Woman ~
The Other Woman

I have dark brown hair with auburn highlights that I add to disguise both the inevitable and uninvited gray. My eyes are brown with a few specks of green. They are outlined with crows feet and small wrinkles; a result of too much sun and a lot of life. I have a very small gap between my front teeth. My days of going without a bra are long gone. I lost that battle to nursing my babies and the laws of gravity. I'm somewhat athletic and have been told I have nice legs. (At least I used to) I think I'm an ordinary middle aged woman.

I am a hard worker and committed to whatever task is at hand. I fight, and fight hard for what I believe in. I speak my mind and am usually the first in my family to protest yet another large family gathering. I have strong opinions, but will always listen to others points of view. I will happily agree to disagree. I'm opened minded and try hard not to pass judgment but I don't like when people pontificate. My allergies: racists and penicillin.

I love to have a good time and often will be the last at a party. I can be sarcastic and have a good sense of humor. A smile goes a long way. I grew up with a lot but don't consider myself spoiled. I'm not at all materialistic, both tag sales and goodwill are favorite pastimes.

I get horribly cranky if I don't get enough sleep. I hate whistling and gum cracking, especially in the movie theatre. I hate to be late and I hate to rush; a fine line of negotiation. I don't like being put on hold on the telephone, especially if I have to listen to elevator music. I have an auto immune disease, which I rarely think about until it rears it's ugly head. Thankfully, not too often. I have strengths and weaknesses, flaws and vulnerabilities. I think am an ordinary middle aged woman.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a neighbor and a best friend to many. I'm a good listener and my friends know my number is available 24/7. I'm from an interfaith marriage and my own moral compass serves as my religion. I am honest to a fault and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to worry too much which drove my kids crazy. I inherited that from my fathers side of the family. I am driven by passion and am truly committed to those I love. I put others before myself; I am an empath.

I taught my children by example. I believe kids are experiential learners. My four kids learned their pleases and thank yous effortlessly, yes, sometimes needing a gentle nudge. I allowed them to make mistakes and taught them how to learn from them. I've always hated finger pointing. I taught them the power of their own voice but to also respect and value the voices of others. I taught them asking for help is a strength and not a weakness. I taught them the value and importance of honesty and confronting issues. I taught them, to stay true to themselves, as I say to all on this forum.

My wedding vows were and are sacred to me. My husband and I vowed ourselves to each other, to nurture each other, to dance together during times of joy and to support one another in times of need. We vowed to respect, honor and love one another. We vowed to be true and faithful til death do us part. There was to be no exception.

My home is my castle, our gathering place. The style is eclectic, appointed with an artsy flair. My children's framed artwork and childhood photos upholster the colorful walls. The rooms are full of hand me downs from both sides of the family, as well as yard sale treasures and is enhanced by the beautiful wooden furniture crafted by my husbands hands. He chiseled many pieces, the trestle table we surround every year for Thanksgiving, the coffee table piled with books and magazines to explore on a lazy sunday afternoon, and even the bathroom medicine cabinets; all works of art.

The most beautiful pieces he made though, are his guitars and fiddles. The combination between his love of wood and love of music provides an intangible peace.. Each instrument is crafted of a different wood and is designed with overflowing passion and love. There is always music playing in my house, always.

Six years ago a stranger extended his hand to me and asked me to dance. I politely declined. Just one, he said, just one. Once I accepted his hand to that dance, my life as I knew it was over. It takes two to tango and the man who reached for me to dance wasn't the hand of my husband, my life partner, the man who delivered our babies, the man who crafted our furniture, the man who strums the music that plays in my home. No, I took the hand of a charismatic psychopath, a true life predator and now my life has been changed forever.

I became The Other Woman; a complete foreigner to myself and everything I believe in. I hate myself for taking his hand in the dance. I hate that I didn't listen to myself. I hate referring to myself as a victim. I hate that I have to take not one, but two sleeping pills so I can at least rest at night. I hate waking up each morning and feel the tears in my eyes before I even open them. I hate I let someone else define me. I hate that I became a hypocrite and fraud to myself and my family.

I write this piece not to absolve myself from my wrong doings, I live with this pain everyday. I live in deep shame. Please understand my intentions, I'm not asking for your sympathies, support or encouragement. I stand true by what I taught my children, I take responsibility for my actions. On my path forward I'm hoping to learn about why I jeopardized so much and to develop the strength and knowledge to prevent a wrong turn again. I hope I can forgive myself. I'm still not sure.

My intention is rather for you to understand that anyone and everyone who dances with a psychopath wears the same pair of shoes, just different sizes.
Please, focus on you and on your healing. I really was an ordinary middle aged woman and I' m hoping in my journey I will look in the mirror and see myself once again.

My wish for all is to Stay True to You!

Janie