When lying is an art form
When lying is an art form
Thoughts tumbled through my head today as I completed my errands and headed to a friend's place for supper. Some thoughts were benign, but one was popping up like a cricket on speed: he took a dangerous concept and created an art form out of it.
He was willing to get his addiction to admiration met at any price. I just happened to be the profile he spotted. It wouldn't have mattered if I was whole, homogenized or skim, I was one tall, sexy, glass of milk. And I was looking. "Hey there, cutey...let me flex my cerebral muscle so you can 'oohh' and 'aahh.' What? You're studying Hebrew? I want to learn that so we can have another love language."
"Oh, you feel deeply and passionately about things? Well, not more than me...I need you so badly in my life, I would cry myself to sleep when you tell me you want to go back to church!"
"What? You feel as though you have to walk on egg shells because I'm so super sensitive? You're pretty blunt about things, but you're right, I need to 'man up' and stop being such a weakling!"
He was an excellent student...he took notes, plotted and planned, manipulated, twisted, and LIED. He knew what kind of man I would fall in love with...so the chameleon became what I couldn't resist. Never once did my heart ever come into view because he needed to prove to himself that he is worthy of such a woman like me.He was so absorbed with himself, I was merely a shadow.
I took a step back today and looked at the type of man I would fall in love with: someone who is kind, considerate, honest, sensitive, able to communicate, witty, and fun. In essence...a 10 in my eyes! I mirrored for him what that man was like, he morphed into that man for as long as he could maintain the illusion. For me to fall in love with that kind of man means that I have standards, I have a heart that is ready to give, I am that woman who would make a wonderful wife.
Suddenly, the mask begins to slip. I notice a festering wound on his forehead. Oops! That wasn't supposed to happen! "Oh, baby, I know you're wondering what that rancid smell is, but take a whiff of the Glade Plug In, and just know that I will love you like you've never been loved before." The emotional temperature drops. "I'm not ignoring you, its on your side. My advice is that YOU keep our phone schedule." "I'm tired of trying to be the man you love, you already proved to ME that I'm that man, so I don't need your validation. Oh, hey....look at that! Wow! She's a hottie! I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
I have never felt good about lying, whether it was big or small, but I never knew someone who could take dishonesty to the level of an art form. He will get his addiction fixed at all costs, after all, it IS about him, right? "Guilt? Remorse? What, I made you cry? I didn't think you could be so weak! Suck it up, buttercup...I have a monster to feed!"
The shock, the sadness, the anger all clamor for attention. "Look at me!" "Pick me!" "Clean up in aisle 6, please!" I see so clearly that none of his words were true. There was no love there. He felt nothing for me but an adrenaline rush and a hard on. The pathology of the N is that he truly believes that he will find that illusive "perfect love" and he can't settle for less than perfect because he is damn well entitled to it! Who are you to hold him back in his quest for the Holy Grail?
Love is defined as: patient and kind, never envious or boiling over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited, it is not rude and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful, it takes no account of the evil done to it. It does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Were I to hold up a standard like this to my exN, he would likely melt and seep into a grassy section in the park. I looked at what I ascribe to for ME first...being a woman who is capable of loving with God's love in me. Then I look at my exN. Did I lose someone who was mirroring back love...real love? No. He showed me what type of man I would love...but he was a life size cardboard replica.("hey, girls, look at my new boyfriend! Is he not the bomb?"...."um, Laurie, I hate to tell you this, but he's not even alive! He could never meet your needs!) Did I see anything that even comes close to love? I got a lot of lip service, and then came the dreaded D&D. Is that love? No, that is what someone does when they hate you. The truth is sometimes painful when you're trying to deny it. It screams louder until you acknowledge it and deal with it.
My reality is that I loved someone who was one dimensional, and who didn't love me. I was used in his sickening game and was treated with cruelty and disdain. Do I need to kick myself around the block for one more week for making a bad choice? No, I need to treat myself with love...being patient, kind, protective, and honest, but never rejecting me because he did. I didn't lose anything...but he sure did.
you said it all so well : )
you said it so well
''Never once did my heart
Never once did my heart
no loss
no loss
narcs are caricatures of humans
narc are caricatures
more on cardboard cut-outs
more on cardboard cut-outs
oh I can name some fatal flaws
oh I can name some fatal flaws
this is a great post
this is a great post
radiolady
thats the truth of
married narcs
married narcs
Jenna H
I understand that radiolady....
Glad it's not just me!
I understand that...
oops
You didn't lose anything
You didn't lose anything
Love languages & Pretending to Be
Love languages and pretending to be
Interesting gracefully free
Jenna
gracefully free