My Story isn't over yet;

Josh,

I have started and stopped this letter a dozen times and even sent you a final goodbye in spite of what everyone says I should be doing. I took you out of prison and tried to be the woman you claimed to need and want and I lost myself. I lost who I was while catering to your every need. Drugs, sex, lies, electronics... making sure you had food while you were living with your mom, making sure you had money in commissary while you did your prison violations, had pictures, could talk to me and most importantly I reassured you beyond my own assurance that I was going to be there to pick you up and I was. I took vows to love you through better or worse, til death due us part. I will love you- love you for giving me a daughter that I couldn't imagine life without and giving me a chance to redeem myself as a woman, mother, friends and future partner to someone who can compare to my values/beliefs. No one has to ever see eye to eye but sharing a common goal is important. I often sit and wonder why you reach out to me- and its because clear, because you have a moment of loneliness, you need to make sure I am still sitting waiting for you to say I love you and want to be with you. It has been 6 weeks since we separated and this is the LONGEST ever we have gone being separated- and the joke is on me, I called the police after you hit me for the last time. So yes I guess it is my fault our marriage is over, I took stand, I stood up for myself - the first time in 2.5 years. I don't have to answer your calls anymore, your emails- your nasty messages telling me I am a whore, pig, stinky slut that will never have anything but money going for me. I don't have to look for your validation to know I am a beautiful person and I can and will succeed in life without you. I pray someday you can look back and say omg what have I done- but after looking at your last 3 relationships I see that there is a pattern and without a lobotomy you are just wasted goods. I pray for you, that you find peace within yourself, that you stop letting your drug dealing mother account for your screw ups and you start facing the demons that created you- stop blaming, stop shifting, changing topics own up to one piece of this letter and admit you were wrong. I have so much to say to you and the problem is- you won't read a word of it and if you do read it your reply will be something completely irrelevant to my letter.

I will see you on the flip side in 12 years- you know what that means... I wish things could have been different, "I was your cure, you were my disease... while I was saving you, you were killing me.." Author unknown-

I will smile again- smile at whoever I want whenever I want and there won't be you in the background- why are you smiling at him, did you screw him? I will shine, I will become that star employee again, I will regain my superwoman mommy instincts and I will be and feel human again..

I am sure I will think of more to say later- but it will be too late- this is our end, this is my goodbye and there isn't a return.