Been-There's story

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#1 Oct 31 - 12AM
Been-There
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Been-There's story

I must be a N's Target

I wonder if there are typical N Targets or if I am just unlucky and ignorant. My father was a very verbally abusive alcoholic, so perhaps I am searching for a guy "like dear old dad?" Omigod! But my partners have all been very different types of people -- in the beginning anyway.

Let me start out by saying I'm not a spring chicken and I wish there had been a support group like this when I was first idealized, devalued and discarded many years ago. I was so blind and did so much analyzing I almost went crazy. I finally did seek counseling and was told my husband would remain my partner in life "such as he was". Let me tell you, it was a tumultuous 11 year marriage, with physical/mental abuse and alcoholism. He was always critizing me; had a tantrum when I brought home the wrong spaghetti sauce; refused to drive me to the dentist when I had an abcessed tooth, ranting I always ruined his day. And he smashed a lot of things in the house in rage as well as my nose and lip. It finally ended in divorce after I caught him cheating, but he also lost his job and had a breakdown. It was the most bizarre time I ever lived through (even stranger than my childhood). He became very childlike and began sleeping 24/7. He felt persecuted by ME! He became so pathetic that a psycholgist wanted to see him daily for several weeks. He ended up marrying the woman (who he met while bowling), but he is zombie-like nowadays with flat affect and taking anti-depressive medications. I can't believe I was ever married to him, let alone so devastated when it ended. The story seemed so strange to me at the time that I thought I should contact the Livetime Movie Channel.

So, what do I do? I get married a couple of years later(at age 44)to a "wonderful" man I met at a singles dance. He wasn't the sterotyped charmer, rather he was a shy country guy whose personality changed immensely a few weeks after we met. His siblings and parents were surprised at the change, but said it was a good change. My friends and family LOVED him. First flag, he was too nice and overly generous and treated me like a princess. But I shrugged it off, believing I deserved nice after the Hell I'd been thru with previous husband. I saw flags when he said he left his wife of 23 years and refused counseling. I saw more flags when he kept telling me he couldn't trust me, though I'm a very trustworthy person. And I later learned he was a "closet" drinker.

But I was never prepared for the shock of my life when -- after 5 "wonderfully perfect" years -- he suddenly announced he had seen a divorce lawyer. We had never fought or argued -- no physical/verbal abuse this time --had lots of fun, great sex and I was completely and utterly shell-shocked -- as was everyone else. We had been best friends -- or so I thought. He said if I didn't pick up the divorce papers the following day; they would be delivered to my office. When I asked him how he could be so cold to his wife, he looked at me blankly and said "you're not my wife, you're just some strange woman standing there crying." He would avoid eye contact with me as though I wasn't even in the room. While I was moping around barely able to function, he was whistling around the house. He taped post-it notes to all the belongings/furniture I was to take -- although we had a list -- which seemed odd. He was put on "special assignment" at work and never did return to his supervisory position. Again I saw a therapist, but was never given a diagnosis. She asked how his speech was; not sure what she was getting at but he had become irrational. She said it appeared he had taken on my personality and now was himself again. She said he was dissociating. I was so confused. Some of my friends blamed me, which really hurt. I was so shocked that it took me nearly two years to come out of my shell. I had to find a place to live and a full-time job (I worked part-time during our marriage and moved in HIS house) and it was Chrismas time to boot. The hardest part was realizing he never loved me like I know love to be. I was just an object to idealize for awhile. My therapist said it was amazing that it went so well for so long, but I wasn't sure what she meant.

So, now here I am at present. Two years ago I hooked up with a former classmate who is very charming, handsome and flirtatious. He was a jock in high school. He pursued me. He drove 2,000 miles to see me several times. He paid for air fare for me to visit him several times, bought me an expensive necklace and wined and dined me. He was very physical and held hands constantly. Very romantic for old folks. We e-mailed and talked on the phone all the time when I returned home. We fell in love. This summer he visited me for a few months and we went to all of our old high school haunts and out to dinner with former classmates. He even got a part-time job working at the same golf course he worked at in high school. We did lots of fun things together; just the two of us. I started to notice some subtle changes in him -- excessive drinking for one, and he'd be on my computer in the middle of the night for another. One time I heard him whispering to himself in the bathroom "you're going to be okay; it will be okay" -- still not sure what that was about. I doubt he was on the phone. He still remained as outwardly charming as ever and when he left to return home (about 6 weeks ago) he said "goodbye", "love you" and "see you in November". But, as soon as he returned home he sent me an e-mail stating he had a wonderful summer and he wouldn't trade it for the world but time to "move on". And I've not heard a word from him since. I never expected this from him! I've proudly refrained from contacting him, however.

Normally I might think he just wasn't that "into me" after being together all summer, but he surprisingly bragged that he left his first wife for his best-friend's wife because his first wife didn't like sex, and then dumped her for another friend's wife, and dumped her for a co-worker. TMI. Also it occurred to me he was possibly using me to revisit all his old high school haunts/job (including me a former classmate)in an effort to recapture his youth and find happiness. I also wonder if he didn't sense MY doubts and decide to do the dumping. It is so mind-boggling that we communicated almost daily for two full years and now nothing! Not even an e-mail joke.

I'm not nearly as devastated this time; one reason being I sensed something was amiss after the "wife dumping" stories and also I think I've become hardened. Which may or may not be a good thing!

One common denominator that I noticed in all three relationships -- their alcohol consumption increased tremendously just before the "discard."

Woe is me. If anything, I need to learn how to better read those red flags or figure out why I'm seemingly a Target for N's. Anyone? Maybe I should call Livetime Movie Channel. It's been a bumpy (but interesting) road and I'm still alive.

Oct 31 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - Please go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many many times. Click through ALL the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - Get yourself in THERAPY with a trauma counselor ASAP!!!! You have been hypnotized & need deprogramming and that will take a lot of time. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim If you are an ACON or want to learn more, I suggest joining this group: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/ Also the Toxic Families forum: http://toxicfamilies.lefora.com (its quiet but let's get more ACONS to join!) ACONS and other children of toxic parents are MAGNETS for pathologicals. We need to re-learn what is normal & healthy and what boundaries are. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 1 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Ditto

Ditto, ditto, ditto to all that Barbara is telling you. You are an adult child of an alcoholic; for starters, that has defined who you have become, consider going to an alanon program, give yourself at least five times before you decide if it's not for you, however, you need therapy as well. It sounds to me (with very little detail) that you could have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as just in these incidences you have been extremely traumatized. It is not unusual to have PTSD when a parent is an abusive alcoholic. I have a similar background and have suffered from PTSD. I have had several years of therapy and I can tell you that this too shall pass and you will find yourself again, just get rid of those rose colored glasses and replace it with a clearer lense.