- Proof in the Pudding continued.....pleeeeeease help.

TexN and Destiny,
Both your comments on `Proof in the Pudding!` were very, very much needed this morning and especially Destiny`s last para, ("I too yearn for driving next to my Narc with music playing..visiting our favorite spots etc... but I am thankful I never have to worry about who he is talking to,texting chatting with at all hours(he rarely slept)...the new woman has all of that now"). Very apt for me at mo.
Barbara.....can you please come in on the following and SHOUT something at me to get me out of where I am now `gut wrenching sick feelings of jealousy???!!! sudden sense of overwhelming bereavement???!!!! overwhelming sadness?????!and questioning????
This is a carry on from PROOF IN THE PUDDING story.................since then I.have bumped into quite a few `village`, `outside village` people and the `xN intimidation` and `GF bumping into me` incidents have flown round like wildfire! (although this is a village, it is on the outskirts of London so we are blessed with country but easy commute to London ). Without me adding fuel to the fire, when anyone makes a comment I just add "that was just a small example of what he`s really like` and let them do the talking. It seems people know what hes about and what the GF is about etc etc which was helping enormously catapulting me into what I thought was the very end of my healing process i.e. IT IS ALL FINALLY OVER AND I AM FREE OF IT............ until that is, this Friday night.............same scenario, packed pub garden etc spilling out. The same chap who works for xN, who had said previously that hed been shocked when xN and I had broken up as hed thought we would be together forever, we were made for each other, that xN was so cut up about the split, devastated id changed my numbers that he drank himself into stuper most nights, cried infront of friends, lost weight, threw his keys out of the bedroom window for his workers to go to work without him etc., was there and came over to say hi. He touched on the subject again in this idealistic love manner and I thought Id put him straight after id gained his trust (hopefully....but if not.....I didnt care). I told him xN was incapable of love, it was all about ownership and control from which it would get violently out of hand if even the tiniest bit of control was lost. He very adamently, but nicely, (he`s a very nice man) said that I had got my xN all wrong. Hed known and worked for xN for a very long time and yes, he told lies, yes he had rages towards the workforce but he was totally and utterly in love with me. Hed never seen him with a woman the way he was with me. I went on to point out that in public, yes, everyone thought same as he told them so but behind closed doors or in front of certain people he would treat me with contempt. I skimmed the surface by giving him a couple of examples of him being loving and attentive then suddenly becoming bitterly cold, discarding,demeaning, disrespectful in front of ex wives, or members of his family or when questioned on obvious lies he would rage, intimidate (ie. driving the car excessive speeds trying to kill us, physical violence all because I questioned a blatant questionable lie or activity of some sort)and that they were not the actions of a man who loved and respected his loved one. He still wouldnt have it. He said I had it all wrong about him. I then asked that he surely could see a pattern emerging with New GF. i.e. the isolation technique etc. He disagreed.......shed had no friends, she wasnt close to her family, she doesnt get on with her 13 year old daughter which is why she doesnt see much of her now!!! And that he couldnt see him being violent with this one. It takes two to tango??!! I came back with...I agreed with the `takes two to tango` theory in some cases but definately not with an inciduous abuser. I then gave him my hospital experience as one example(when wed been absolutely loving and perfectly blissful pre hospital but during my stay he was cold, distant etc and the day I got out hed purposefully created a questionable knowing I was going to question it to which he could react by literally kicking my back, wripping the skirt I was wearing and throwing his cup of almost hot tea over me and of which I certainly didnt help tango as we were seemingly so in love pre hospital - last para I think in my share a story). He said he was shocked and didnt understand why he would react like that but all he could come up with was that he was so in love with me and was frightened stiff of losing me. He basically put him in the `NORMAL` bracket. He then let it slip he and new GF had gone away to the South of France for the week. Well this was a very favourite haunt of ours. We absolutely loved driving all the way down there and thought of buying a place there. It seems hes carbon copying everything we did.
After talking to him and hearing this I felt literally SICK, I felt like I was going to vomit, DEFLATED, JEALOUS, SAD, FELT LIKE CURLING UP AND CRYING AND NEVER COMING OUT AGAIN. I cant believe this person who has worked with him everyday for years cannot see. It made me then question.......was it me?................was he so in love he was blind with jealousy?.................could I have done things differently?..................but I did keep going back.........I did try different ways..............I remember journaling on one occasion after going back that we had finally cracked it in that I could trust him, I could not feel any lies and deceipt milling around and this makes for a fantastic future until a few weeks later something else popped up in our otherwise perfect relationship i.e. finding on his laptop porn addiction with cyber connections!!??We were having great sex, we were soooo in love so why would he need to do that???(my questioning the questionable at the time - I know the answer now!)
I also feel angry that Ive taught him a new way of life. Before me he would drink in his local most nights and have a string of girls on his arms going away to one destination maybe twice a year. I had travelled with my job all over the world. He wanted he and I to copy my travels together during our relationship so he could experience what Id experienced, hence going away so much.. He wouldnt hear of me paying half and because he was wealthy he would have nothing but the best. This together with his mills and boon persona made for such a `heavenly` cocktail. I loved being with him 24/7.Everything was romantic. I loved the intensity of his neediness for me, the doing everything togetherness, the closeness. The `man` looking after me, I miss, yearn, ache for being with my Mr. Jekyle sooooo much. It seems now hes carbon copying all my trips with new GF. I feel so angry and jealous! He wouldn`t be doing this if it werent for the fact he`d learned it from me. I taught him to live life out of his comfort zones.
Maybe this one will work and last????? Barbara how do we know its not us ???? You say yourself your exN has remarried....................how long have they been married? Is she showing signs of PTSD like weve all suffered???? Is it because were intelligent women and can see/feel things more intuitively? My xNs new GF is rather dim so will she just slide by the things that I could see he was up to which means she wont question, wont get the rages, and just get allthe good stuff? Arent they supposed to discard that type anyway in the end or is he too old now that he will work to keep this one?? He did work hard to keep me by fighting to not let me go. Even when I went NC his last two letters were so sad in that he was so apologetic in the way he was acting was because he loved me so much yet the police had to be called at this ending. Even in the last ending there was heaven/hell reactions. He showed me statements, gave me his phone etc but I still found indescrepencies .....it was maddness after nearly four years in that hed got me to that stage when a normal relationship by then would have progressed to a foregone conclusion of trustworthyness. It has ruined me. Without sounding vain I am an attractive, good figured, natural blonde who has no problem attracting respectful attention but no one will fit his Jekyle bill. NOONE. Its HELL with or without him. I am totally f***d and I cannot wait for the day Im taken from this earth when I hope this will be out of my head FOREVER. How can he go to places that we visited more than once so intensely with someone else? I wouldnt be able to do it as it would bring back too many memories. How can you move on when hes still inside you so deep.......................I cant bear it..................could you pleaes say something to snap me out of this? Im still on that rollercoaster. Heaven and hell! BE BLATANT AND TRUTHFUL. AS THAT MAN HAS TRIGGERED THIS I NEED TRIGGERING BACK. I feel as though Ive cut off my nose to spite my face. They are appearing normal going off to MY places.
Ive been up high for so long and now im right at the bottom...............no midway...........it is such a hard fall.