Do they treat the next wife/girlfriend better?

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#1 July 11, 2010 - 6:32pm
gigi9
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Do they treat the next wife/girlfriend better?

Do they learn anything from past mistakes and treat the next one any better? I believe that my exNH has secured new supply and still think that maybe it was just me and that we truly weren't a match for one another. He has patterns that I have seen from his past relationships that he does not see at all but the last blow up we had (25 days NC) he sent me a text saying to me: "You are right. I have a lot of issues that have hurt you and I am going to heal myself so that I do not hurt another girl the way I have hurt you." So will this new girl reap the benefits of a "healed" man/boy while I was the one who reaped the abuse?

July 9, 2012 - 7:54am
foolednolonger1
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NO

July 6, 2012 - 7:00pm
neverlookback
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NEVER

July 4, 2012 - 8:38am
gettinbetter
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Please read the Post "Well I

July 4, 2012 - 9:53am (Reply to #32)
Costa
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Here

July 3, 2012 - 3:46pm
Calalily
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SPIN & COSTA

February 13, 2018 - 3:26pm (Reply to #30)
BrokenAndSuffering
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Hope u are still active on here

July 12, 2010 - 4:34pm
SBlaze86
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RE: Do they...

Susan, This it's interesting that the N you formerly dated too was hospitalized as a youth for psychological issues. Mine was also and was forthright in telling me about the experience. He'd attempted to commit suicide. When he criticized me for falling into a depression (my first ever), it crossed my mind that he might be projecting the judgmental attitudes he was subjected to onto me... He had no compassion and in fact acted disgusted. Like I was contagious or something.
July 12, 2010 - 4:11pm
AnotherPath
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They don't change, they just

They don't change, they just change their victims.

Ending the dance

July 12, 2010 - 4:17pm (Reply to #25)
Susan32
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They become worse

My ex-Psychopath professor was MORE honest at the outset of the "relationship" than he was at the end. I let him get away with waaay too much. He got away with deception, standing me up (multiple times) and outright verbal abuse. He is one of those rare psychopaths who KNOWS he has a problem. His parents took him to the Worcester Insane Asylum/State Hospital as a child. He was cruel to me when my grandfather died;I don't think he was compassionate when the OW was pregnant with twins.
July 12, 2010 - 4:36pm (Reply to #26)
SBlaze86
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Re: They become worse

Susan32, This it's interesting that the N you formerly dated too was hospitalized as a youth for psychological issues. Mine was also and was forthright in telling me about the experience. He'd attempted to commit suicide. When he criticized me for falling into a depression (my first ever), it crossed my mind that he might be projecting the judgmental attitudes he was subjected to onto me... He had no compassion and in fact acted disgusted. Like I was contagious or something.
July 12, 2010 - 4:47pm (Reply to #27)
Susan32
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Some clarification

My ex-P and I didn't date... but we were viewed as a couple. He was my professor;I was the student. I saw him as a friend... and as a potential boyfriend. He freaked people out with his cold lack of emotions. His colleagues steered clear of him (one simply called him "different"--well, that's polite),and his students thought he was scary (they also mocked and hated him) His reaction to a physical injury in the lab scared my classmates and I. He was totally numb to it. When my ex-P claimed he had gone on a European vacation (turns out it was a pure fabrication),he said he didn't want to go to Turin, because he was afraid he'd go nuts (Nietzsche fell into full-blown schizophrenia from syphilis there) When I had my ex-P as my freshman lab teacher, he was sending me to the therapist to "manage my feelings." Turns out it was crazy-making. And major projection. My ex-P was sent to Worcester State Hospital... and it's a creepy looking place. Now only the clock tower and the turret remain. It looks straight out of a horror movie.
July 12, 2010 - 2:46pm
Briseis
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Someone's already said this

I'm sure . . . but I WAS the next wife/girlfriend. And he treated me like shit too. The Narc did not "begin" his Narcissism with me. And he won't end it with me either. There are few predictabilities in life; the Earth spinning on it's axis, the seasons, and a Narc always being a Narc.
July 9, 2012 - 7:58am (Reply to #23)
foolednolonger1
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absolutely! well said Briseis

July 12, 2010 - 4:07pm (Reply to #22)
Lisa E. Scott
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Great point, Briseis!

"There are few predictabilities in life; the Earth spinning on it's axis, the seasons, and a Narc always being a Narc."
July 12, 2010 - 1:34am
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They never change

'They were never really there for us anyway,so the only thing really missing from our life since they are gone is their physical presence.'......exactly Staying Strong78....that is it in a nutshell. I'm much happier without my ex. Mine went out of his way to tell me he was going to treat the new woman better then he treated me...why be cruel and have no empathy and tell me...if he had changed surely he would have not been able to do that? So you see they NEVER change just learn new tricks and eventually the REAL them comes out in the open. Familiarity breeds contempt with the N as far as I'm concerned. Past behavior is an indicator of future behaviour.
July 11, 2010 - 10:25pm
broken23
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he said the same thing to

he said the same thing to me...the first time he left...that he had learned and wanted things to be different and was going to drink less and treat this girl well. i was so insanely jealous that all my hardwork and this new girl would reap the benefit. well i know he was lying to her, and after it ended, he came back right to me. also i had the privelege of seeing few of her emails when i snooped around..and even in that short three months she was asking him...so how are we going to make this work. the second time he left i got the same talk, it was me, and hes going to be happier with someone else. although its really hard when they say this, i think everyone is right, once the honeymoon wears off, they will be the same. if the girl expects intimacy...there will be problems.
July 11, 2010 - 10:37pm (Reply to #11)
Steph
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I think we all have wandered

I think we all have wandered if the next girl will be the "one"....because we still were thinking WE were the problem. The thing is these men aren't just occassional rude asses. They have huge flaws in their CHARACTER and those things are ingrained permanently Yes, people learn and grow from age and experiences, but some things aren't "learned", you either have it or you don't ie) EMPATHY The fact they don't have empathy, IMO, is the root of the problem. It's what makes them selfish, able to abuse/manipulate, treat people as objects. They just learn to fake empathy, but they don't have it. Not with ANYONE. and you cannot have a relationship with someone who lacks empathy. Impossible.
July 11, 2010 - 11:01pm (Reply to #12)
SBlaze86
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Do they treat the next wife/girlfriend better?

This totally makes sense. I too had some of the same thoughts: what if I really was a problematic person and some other girl out there was the 'real deal'? I'd read books, held my tongue and done everything I possibly could, thinking I could somehow be 'the one' for him with complete disregard to the question of whether or not he really was 'the one' for me! It's crazy how I could get so caught up in trying my hardest at perfecting myself to be HIS ideal partner, when in fact virtually none of my needs were being met once I had an opportunity to honestly reflect on our relationship. Once I found out about NPD and realized how serious it is, my insecurities became fewer and fewer because it's so true that this behavior is representative of '...huge flaws in their CHARACTER...' No book, no behavior change (at least on my part) could fix our relationship, because his lack of action, his lack of introspection, his lack of empathy were the problem(s). Not me. Not his exes. And not any of the other women to come. It was HIS personality disorder and ultimately HIM. This realization made it clear that I was spared...spared the disrespect, humiliation, manipulation, etc. that those after me will undoubtedly endure. So now, rather than envying the seemingly supreme treatment those who come after me may receive, I hope for them. I hope they'll be wiser than I was and take heed of the signs rather than ignore them. I hope they'll know that actions speak far louder than words and observe the way they are treated rather than what he 'promises'. I hope they'll be smart enough to get out before too much if any, damage is done. I truly hope, they'll become one less woman whose self-worth and identity has been put in the crosshairs. I hope they know they're worth more and are smart enough to go and get more for themselves.
July 12, 2010 - 1:10am (Reply to #14)
betty2020
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Nope. The N is seriously

Nope. The N is seriously damaged goods. They are great at the initial fireworks but everything comes to an end. My ExN has a nine month rule before the initial D&D begins. I have also been reading that their disorder gets worse with age. They become more destructive, unable to wear the masks for an extended period of time and even sometimes become more physically abusive due to the feelings of no control. So if this is the case, then it is only natural the the next person in succession to me would receive a dose worse than what i did. Now this doesn't make me feel better mind you. This is a scary thought that poor girl has no idea what is taking place at this very moment. We should worry for the OW. They are like we once were. Love struck and blind. What a scary thing. xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

July 12, 2010 - 1:47am (Reply to #15)
happydaysahead
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No Way !!

In my situation, I will NEVER feel sorry for the OW. She was just as much to blame for all of this shit as he was !! She played games with me the whole time. She knew what she was doing, but lied thru her freaking teeth to me !! She lied to my N ( I mean big huge lies, not just little fibs), cheated on him...you name it, but yet where is he at ?? I do believe she is an N as well. Not sure how a relationship between 2 N's would work out !! I hope they both just self combust one day !!
July 12, 2010 - 2:05am (Reply to #16)
betty2020
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I am sorry to hear that

I am sorry to hear that happy. It is possible she my be disorders as well. I know this is a difficult concept. But if this does hold any weight, than what she is going to experience is and will be worse. So chances are favorable that you will get your wish. In fact probable. This did not happen with me. The OW is a victim as well. I refrained from any contact with her so as to not stir the pot. I am sure she is loving the honeymoon phase now but as we know all good things will end with the N. So i do feel sorry for my OW. I really dont wish this abuse on anyone. If your OW is an N then chances are that she unfortunately will not be affected by him. They will just ultimately self destruct and both will walk away as if it never took place. Or maybe there will be a homicide/suicide. Hard to say but in either case the entire situation is doomed b/c He is a N. This we know for sure.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

July 12, 2010 - 2:14am (Reply to #17)
happydaysahead
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Thanks Betty

I was not trying to be a bitch, but my situation just SUCKS !! I got played by both of them, so I have a hard time having any sympathy for either one. OMG--does that make me an N ?? :) NAH !! :) Just a sad soul left in the dust from all of this crap !! But I do believe THEY will get what they deserve. Two rotten people should just not be allowed any type of happiness. Uhmmmmmmm, ok.........I'm done, got that out of my system. :) Guess I am in the anger phase of recovery, huh ??
July 12, 2010 - 7:26am (Reply to #18)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Happy

I know how you feel, my ex (she) is with her boss, someone she has known for over 13 years.. oh, she 'loves him and he doesn't know it yet'.. yeh - i'm supposed to believe that crap.. she was quick to make a move on me when she knew i was single, that's how they work, no remorse, no empathy, and no i don't feel sorry for the boss he knew exactly what he was doing. Its OK to get angry, it's part of the process but we shouldn't hold on to the anger, in time that will pass and you'll heal. I promise. You will get better. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour. Just give it time, it happened before you, it happened with you, and it'll happen after you.
July 12, 2010 - 1:16pm (Reply to #19)
Susan32
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Predictions

After the D&D (and meeting the girlfriend), I remember chillingly telling a friend, "I'm not his first victim... nor will I be his last." One of my friends said that my ex-Psychopath professor hadn't only preyed on me;she was sure he had done the same things to other women. It was part of a pattern. My ex-P warned me from the outset that he had hurt a lot of people, that he'd let me down, and that "people think I'm a mean guy." He even told me about going to a mental hospital as a kid. His mask didn't stay on that long with me... but then again, I was a student. I'm pretty sure he was able to keep the mask on longer with the OW because they had a long-distance relationship. They even got married. What's weird is that my ex-P didn't even act as if he were in love with her. He didn't even put up an act for that. He coldly referred to his fiancee by her surname. He said "It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend" (pure projection) and was hoovering me AFTER I met her. My ex-P obviously had Mommy issues... now that his Mommy is living with him and raising his kids (AND him, tho he's almost 50),they're kinda resolved now, aren't they?
July 11, 2010 - 11:17pm (Reply to #13)
Steph
Steph's picture

"It's crazy how I could get

"It's crazy how I could get so caught up in trying my hardest at perfecting myself to be HIS ideal partner, when in fact virtually none of my needs were being met once I had an opportunity to honestly reflect on our relationship." So true!!! They were never really there for us anyways, so the only thing really missing from our life since they are gone is their physical presence.
July 11, 2010 - 8:15pm
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Change we can believe in?

When I met the OW (a nerdy, kindly woman from LA, a curator, who resembled me)--I did feel naturally jealous. She had told my ex-P professor that she loved him, she had moved in with him, she was engaged to him-- everything I had fantasized about. Here I was, left in the lurch. Naturally, I was jealous. So I talked to one of my friends in the DC are about the D&D and how my ex-Psychopath professor treated me. She asked me if he had become worse over the years--I said yes. She asked how he had treated me during the D&D. I talked about the gaslighting, the public humiliation, the deception, the verbal abuse. My friend said,"Don't be jealous" and "You're his student and treated you like cr@p. What makes you think he'll treat her better?" (I was NATURALLY assuming he was treating her better than me) Basically, I was his Waitress Test. At the time, it was tough talk. Now I realize it was tough love from my friend. At the beginning of my "relationship" with my ex-P, my MOTHER had asked,"He's treating you badly as a student now. What makes you think he'd treat you better if you were his wife? He was cruel when your grandfather died. What makes you think he'd be nice if you were pregnant?" My ex-P treated me brutally, especially towards the end. He hoovered me AFTER I called him a lying, arrogant bully;he acted romantically interested AFTER I had met the girlfriend. I felt for the OW... and I could do nothing. If the past holds the clue to the future... all I can say I was that I dodged the bullet of the future. The OW married my ex-P and had his kids. Whether or not they stayed together, I don't know. It's one of those things I'd rather not know.
July 11, 2010 - 6:43pm
NancyM
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The short answer NO

No no No No... mine went through the healing phase and while modifying his behavior, he never really changed, and the D&D never stopped. In fact he pointed to his healing to prove that he had only D&Dd me twice in 6 months. It wasn't like he was doing it all the time. He even told me he was such a changed man that his next relationship was going to be truly intimate and connected. I told him I felt sorry for the poor bitch already. Mine dumped his ex rather savagely when he moved on to me, and like I recently said to a friend, "any woman that watches him treat his ex like crap and thinks he won't treat her the same is a friggin idiot. I will admit that's what I was" Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

Nevergoback

July 11, 2010 - 6:43pm
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Oh my god..no no no...It

Oh my god..no no no...It gets worse. And its not you. Its them. They are disordered people. Please dont believe that he is changing or any happier with the new supply. Once the honeymoon is over stand the hell by. xoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

July 3, 2012 - 12:42pm (Reply to #2)
Calalily
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OTHER WOMAN STORIES

July 3, 2012 - 2:58pm (Reply to #3)
Costa
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Difficult

July 3, 2012 - 3:31pm (Reply to #4)
spinning
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Costa, you are onto something here...

spinning

July 3, 2012 - 7:33pm (Reply to #5)
Calalily
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spinning

July 8, 2012 - 5:15pm (Reply to #6)
missymiller
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I'll weigh in here

July 8, 2012 - 5:47pm (Reply to #7)
Calalily
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Missymiller