WELCOME TO OUR FORUM FOR VICTIMS OF FEMALE NARCISSISTS

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#1 July 20, 2011 - 7:20pm
Lisa E. Scott
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WELCOME TO OUR FORUM FOR VICTIMS OF FEMALE NARCISSISTS

With the rise of narcissism in recent decades, more and more people are finding themselves in relationships with narcissistic men and women. Narcissists are hard to avoid these days because our culture promotes narcissistic behavior as glamorous and rewards it shamelessly.

Narcissism has been called an epidemic as studies show it’s increasing just as fast as rates of obesity. Research tells us that today’s youth are three times more narcissistic than their predecessors and a large percentage of this increase has been attributed to a greater number of narcissistic women.

Unfortunately, those who display haughty, arrogant, self-indulgent and child-like behavior are rewarded with their own television series. Think “Real Housewives” and “The Kardashians.” Daughters who once would have been disciplined for spoiled behavior are now running their own television empires and glamorizing insidious narcissistic behavior young girls look up to and emulate. Our youth are obsessed with celebrity culture and grow up believing fame is the only noteworthy pinnacle of success.

Although it is not easy for a man to admit he’s been abused by a woman, it is an unfortunate reality we can no longer afford to deny. In fact, in my research, I have found that female narcissists are often more cunning, manipulative and ruthless than their male counterparts.

Why is it so difficult for us to accept that a female can be just as, or even more abusive, than a man? The main reason for this is because we have been conditioned to believe women are nurturers. Women inherently have more empathy and compassion for others because they are equipped to provide primary care and feeding to their offspring, right?

Unfortunately, what is not accounted for in this widely held assumption is the fact that some women experience an arrested development in their early childhood, which prohibits them from experiencing or feeling the kind of empathy required to sufficiently care for others. These women suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and are truly incapable of love. It is certainly unfortunate these women have failed to evolve in a healthy way, but important to recognize in order to avoid being hurt or manipulated by such women.

It is critical to understand that narcissists are predators. Perhaps because one does not expect predatory type behavior from a woman, the female narcissist can be much more covert and stealth-like in her approach to lure her prey. A female narcissist knows how to manipulate a man into believing he is pursuing her when all the while she has targeted him from the beginning.

Female narcissists use their physical assets to attract, manipulate and control their victims. Whereas, men use their power and status to dominate. Female narcissists have mastered the art of seduction and exploit the fact that many men are visual creatures. They target and hunt men they know will have the means to cater to their needs and stroke their insatiable ego.

It is often much more difficult for men to spot the red flags of narcissism early on in a relationship. Women can often determine a man’s intentions by seeing how patient he is to get physical. It’s not quite so simple for a man. While finding someone of good character is just as important to a man, men are primarily drawn to women via their sexual attraction, which gives an attractive woman a considerable amount of power over even the most discerning of men.

Underneath the flashy exterior of a narcissist is a fragile ego, which requires constant attention and validation. The implications this has on a relationship are far more damaging than you could ever imagine. Eventually, a narcissist will discard, devalue, belittle and criticize you. Emotional abuse is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. The abuse is not only devastating, but comes out of nowhere and causes you to question everything you thought you ever knew.

Narcissists are incapable of reciprocating love, which makes healthy relationships with them impossible. While they appear caring in the beginning, eventually you realize, they have simply put on an act in order to win and secure your love.

The only reason a narcissist seeks out a relationship is to ensure someone is always present to meet her never-ending needs. She has a sense of entitlement which leads her to believe she is deserving of everything from everyone; and if you want to sustain a relationship with her, you should be prepared to provide beyond what is typically considered reasonable. If you don’t, she will be sure to remind you she can easily get this from other men in her life with the snap of her fingers. A female narcissist prides herself on having a large circle of admirers (i.e. supply) available to stroke her ego at all times.

It is important you understand the type of personality you’re dealing with in a narcissist and stop blaming yourself for the pain and confusion you may be feeling right now. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for some time, you have been experiencing emotional abuse at the hands of someone you love, which is one of the most agonizing experiences one can have in love and life. Please do not minimize what you’re going through and inform yourself by learning more. Knowledge is power.

“It’s a deep and certain truth about narcissistic personalities that to meet them is to love them, but to know them well is to find them unbearable. Confidence quickly curdles into arrogance; smarts turns to smugness, charm turns to smarm.“

–Jeffry Kluger

Once we learn to see the narcissist for the person they really are, we are finally able to free ourselves. We realize we do not need this person in our lives to feel whole and complete. We were whole and complete before this person entered our lives and we will be whole and complete once we end our relationship with this person. It is the narcissist who is preventing us from being truly happy. It is so important you understand this.

NOTHING stands between you and your true self, but the narcissist in your life.

Love & Light,
Lisa

October 9, 2011 - 3:30pm
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Hi Lisa

Well you have finally one it.. its nice to know that us blokeys aren't alone. I've been no contact for over a year now... and she's still not completely out of my system. Don't think she ever will be, really. But on the positive note i'm one hell of alot happy than this time last year! I hardly think about her at all and when i do i just think she's the one that's lost. And 'lost' is a good word to describe these people (n's) because they just go on hurting people that really matter to them. Anyway I thought i would drop by, say hello. And anyone reading this, you won't go far wrong in staying with this site.. its bang on, whatever your gender. This site has been a massive help to me. Thanks Lisa Graham x
July 23, 2011 - 12:28pm
jackguy
jackguy's picture

Thank you

Thank you Lisa & all. It is very considerate of you to do this. And it will be very helpful.
July 22, 2011 - 2:57pm
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Oh thank you so

Oh thank you so much!!!....this is wonderful :) XoXo ~KG
July 22, 2011 - 10:03am
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is fantastic Lisa, now we have a place of healing

where we can reach both men and women. Also we do address ALL the personality disorders. I will include a link so you can read a more detailed description of the other PD's and as Lisa said there are more diagnoised male narcissists. Women traditionally tend to be more borderline and histrionic. Most all of the PD's do in fact include Narcissistic features and components, therefore, you may see the narcissistic traits in them as well. Also a PD can have traits of other PD's without necessarily having that disorder full blown. They usually have a primary diagnosis and then can have features of one or more of the other PD's. This is why it is important to read the links and see what fits for the PD whom you know. Self absorption and difficulty with intimacy, push pull, I love you; I hate you, lack of empathy for YOUR needs, sexual promiscuity in some, mood swings, which makes it difficult to have a give and take relationship or shall I say nearly impossible. We all know the drill; with a PD you never know from day to day what you are going to get. Any question? Jump in when you are ready to get your feet wet and we will be happy to respond with our experiences dealing with the PD's ourselves. Everyone on here has been involved with a PD and we are all in various stages of recovery. I am one of the moderators and will gladly listen, respond, and point you in a direction which may be helpful for you. Welcome to the site and I wish you all the very best in your recovery and healing from the adverse effects of a PD. We welcome all who have had relationships with PD's, parents, coworkers, children, romantic, platonic, we all need help sorting out the trainwreck that just hit us or the one we are still dealing with in our lives. This hurts, it is confusing, and support is a huge part of recoverering from or living with a PD. Schizoid personality disorder Avoidant personality disorder Borderline personality disorder Schizotypal personality disorder Paranoid personality disorder Antisocial personality disorder Dependent personality disorder Histrionic personality disorder Narcissistic personality disorder God bless, Goldie http://www.healthline.com/channel/personality-disorder.html?utm_account=N-Q&utm_medium=google&utm_semcampaign=Personality+Disorders+%5BMental+Health%5D+-+ROC+-+Search&utm_adgroup=Disorders+Broad&utm_match=Broad&utm_query=list%20of%20personality%20
October 1, 2011 - 3:38pm (Reply to #2)
brewer
brewer's picture

questioning reality

Thank you for creating this forum. I came across it over the past week while educating myself on NPD, and I'm really grateful for the chance to read about the experiences that others have struggled to overcome. I had never heard of NPD before (not being a psychologist) and most of what is written is about abusive men, lotharios, power-mad CEOs and the wake of destruction they leave behind them. I'm not that kind of man, but I'm not passive or co-dependent either. I want to share my story for two reasons. The first is that I need to get it out, to know that I am neither dreaming it up nor am I alone. The second is to make other men aware that this can happen to them, even if they are happily married and are not co-dependent personalities, drawn to dominant people. I learned, to my horror, that compassion, combined with bad timing, is perfectly sufficient to suck you into becoming Narc Supply. I have survived so far because before I knew what I was up against, I at least knew that my Narc (let's call her Mandy) was behaving abnormally, and that almost certainly something was very wrong with her. These instincts (which I trust implicitly) flew in the face of her most engaging attempts to hook me, but there were plenty of warning signs along the way (jealousy, entitlement, grandiosity, lack of empathy, attraction to power and control, outright lies about her personal history) that caught my attention. Mandy is a gorgeous, intelligent and very interesting woman with an unusually expressive face, and can be vivacious when she wants to be, secretive or haughtily dismissive when she doesn't. She is a mystery to most of her peers. Superficially, she is every bit the "prize" that many women on this blog have described their male narcs to be. She has a hovering husband, who either is lost in denial or is hopelessly attached to her. I met her in the work place... although we do not work together, and the power dynamic between us is dangerous (I hold a higher position, but she works with powerful people and could use that to entrap and wound if she saw fit). She initiated the connection with me through bold but furtive smiles and attempts to gain my attention, without actually talking to me, wanting me to pursue her, which I did not do. When we did eventually meet, which was charged with intensity, she was not put off by my references to wife and family; instead she promoted herself aggressively, almost recklessly. But what I could not avoid/resist was that pathos-laden smile. Nobody had ever looked at me with that combination of hurt, longing, need, and I was going through a tough time and responded emotionally to the need to be needed. But the body language was strangling me, and I could not work. I invited her out to break the tension and was shocked by the change: she showed up dressed to kill, but hardly looked at me. That tortured smile was replaced by the cool gaze of a predator about to make a kill. Many of you have referred to this as the moment when "the mask comes off", and it shocked me with its audacity. I made myself as un-sexy as possible, talked about my struggles, asked about her family and interests and made it clear that i was not whisking her off to a tryst. She took it badly and disappeared shortly thereafter, and we did not see each other again for several months. I expected it to be long forgotten when we did, a conquest that didn't happen. But it wasn't. She behaved as if she was deeply wounded, altered her circulation patterns to avoid me, and acted hurt when we did see each other. Eventually I reached out to her, again to break the tension, and she surprised me by being completely willing to talk to me, totally composed and confident, as if nothing had happened. We slowly found ways to have short conversations, about a month apart, always ended by her after 5 minutes or so. I just wanted her to relax around me and to be able to work in the same building. But while she publicly either pretended not to know me or gave me looks of fear/distrust, when we did encounter each other privately she was completely, disarmingly comfortable, even friendly. But I noticed two strange things. Mandy never reciprocated or shared anything about herself, nor did she ever honestly express empathy for anyone else. There was an emotional black hole in her that terrified me. The other thing was that she seemed happy to speak with me when she was doing so, but afterwards acted as if we hadn't spoken; there was no way to build on any progress, no way to reach any mutual respect. The last conversation we had was really friendly and humorous, and then she avoided / ignored me for three months. I think, now, that the chemistry is all an act, and that she's an incredible actress, even able to fake a blush. She must be to survive without the ability to feel. She has never in almost 2 years addressed me by my name, just swoops in when she wants to and ignores me when she doesn't (again, the entitlement). And Mandy's very clever at it. There are no witnesses, ever. For the longest time I was just completely confused: what kind of person invites themselves into a stranger's life and miscommunicates with such baffling signals? I wasn't uncritical of myself... once I had turned her down, why did I feel so hurt and violated? What did I hope to accomplish by reaching out to her? Why did I desperately want her to be a real person (or a victim of a predator) when all of my instincts identified her as a remorseless predator? Why did I think I could change that by treating her with respect and interest, having deprived her of a chance to conquer me? The one time I tried to confront her about all of this, she glared at me as if I had asked her to fly to Mars with me. Complete stonewall. I didn't understand any of this (and very few of my friends have understood this) until I began reading this site and Sam Vaknin's site. I'm somewhere between the gobsmacked "I must have been out of my mind" phase and the angry "Sigourney Weaver fighting back against the Alien" phase. I have accepted that there is no middle ground, and maybe now that Mandy feels that she has me safely under control she can find Narc Supply elsewhere. I should feel grateful for that. I'm doing my best to reduce / eliminate contact, and I think that realistically I cannot hope for anything more than the present stalemate. But it has been mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausting, a marathon chess match with no closure. Its her presence in my mind, more than her physical presence in my work place, that is the most disturbing thing, and of course, the most difficult to understand or explain. So I am really grateful to read that this is a hallmark of most NPD "victims", and requires the most concerted effort to overcome and move on. It could have been much worse for me. I didn't compromise myself, my job or my family. But I lost some of my soul and I remain incredulous that I could have walked the earth for so long without even knowing that people like Mandy exist. For far too long I asked "why me? was I targeted? what did I do to bring this on?" But now I can accept that I was just in the way, and it wasn't even personal. Deep down I understand that it must be so empty to be her, to suck men dry and discard them and torture her husband and pretend to be real and keep moving on, hoping to keep fooling everyone. I'm left with the irony that someone so deserving of compassion so abused mine. I'm not ashamed to have felt for her, just exhausted from having had to wrestle with and share her madness. And I want my life and mind and heart back. I'd appreciate constructive comments, even criticisms, but mostly the chance to get it off my chest and know that I'm not alone.
May 26, 2012 - 10:10am (Reply to #11)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

WOW!

March 15, 2012 - 4:53pm (Reply to #10)
Mitsy
Mitsy's picture

Narcissistic Friends

March 2, 2012 - 9:40am (Reply to #3)
froggy
froggy's picture

Adding to Brewer's experience

May 27, 2012 - 3:05pm (Reply to #4)
brewer
brewer's picture

closure is possible, exhale!

May 27, 2012 - 8:53pm (Reply to #5)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Thanks for update Brewer!

May 27, 2012 - 11:19pm (Reply to #6)
brewer
brewer's picture

moving on

May 28, 2012 - 11:25am (Reply to #7)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Yes so true!

May 31, 2012 - 11:43pm (Reply to #8)
brewer
brewer's picture

teflon karma

June 1, 2012 - 11:20am (Reply to #9)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Modelling the right behaviour!