Joy2me story

Ok it has taken me a while to write my story but I thought it was time.

I was married for 8 years, we dated for two years. When I first met my husband he was a very nice and compasionate and funny. He always made me laugh. We met on a blind date,the first two dates were double dates with the couple that introduced us. After that we finally went on dates by ourselfs, the first thing I noticed is that he never planned anything, he made a date come pick me up and didn't have a clue as to what we would do. I rememer making a comment in joking manner that he did that and then he kinda started trying to make plans but it was always after he got to my house and he would ask what do you want to do? So really he never made plans.

Early on I noticed there was a lot of feelings of secretness about him. I can't quite even to this day put my fingers on it, but since I journal I re-read what I had written so many years ago and early on I wrote that there was a feeling of secretness about him. I didn't know him well yet, so I don't really know what made me feel he was keeping things from me but I just sensed it and then dismissed it. I now see that it was A BIG RED FLAG!

The one thing that he did that I hated was that he flirted with everyone, cashiers at the store, waiteress everyone! I complained and he said he was just being friendly. I continued to complain about it and he finally stopped. What I later realized is that he just stopped while he was with me. It was also during this time that sometimes women would approach him start flirting with him while I was right there! They would just act like I was not there, i didn't know what to think of that. If he noticed that I noticed that the woman had just ignored me and flirted with him he would make some off remark about them. For some reason that would satisfy me but I still wondered why they would do that. I know realize that he just gave that kind "vibe" out. Women like that knew he had no boundaries.

Within 7 months he moved in with me and my two childeren. When he first moved in he made no attempt to help me with the bills. I said nothing for about three months and then I finally told him he had to help with the bills. Which he did with no problem, in fact he pretty much gave me his paycheck and let me handle all the bills. I remember thinking how much he must trust me to just give me the money and never question anything as far as what I was doing with the money. Our first year was pretty good. He was good with the kids, he got really close to my youngest. I thought I had gotten really lucky with meeting him.

After the first year, our sex life deminished terribly! At first it was great, we had sex often. I did notice that sometime during the first year he started to ask for things that made me uncomfortable. I never agreed to do them but it made me uncomfortable that he even asked. He wanted me to watch porn with him but I said no, I have never been interested porn. He quickly dismissed it and mentioned his ex wife like to do that but she was sick. One night he approached me for sex, and I playing around turned my back to him and said no, I was planning on turning around immediately and say " just kidding" but in the second before I could he got ANGRY! Jumped out of bed and slammed out the bedroom. I remember laying thinking what the heck just happened. We never talked about it, we just acted like that night had never happened. But from that moment on it was very hard for me to have sex with him. I don't know what happened with event but it did something to me way down deep.

We had been married three years when I found out about his first affair. We separated for a week or two then I let him come back because he was threatening to kill himself. I remember his calling me from the hotel telling me he was gonna kill himself and I panicked and called his sister. I was on the phone with him when and he was crying could hardly breathe I heard his cellphone go off and i told him it was his sister because I had just called her and told her he was threatening to kill himself. When he answsered his cellphone I noticed how all the cryin instantly stopped and he was no longer having problems breathing. I rememeber thinking how odd that was. Another BIG RED FLAG! We went into counseling and we stayed in couseling for about a year. After we "fixed" me since apparently it was all about what i was not doing enough or what I needed to do...blah blah...it was a joke but I was still in the dark about a lot of things.

We bought a new house and moved I remember thinking it was a new start and things were getting better. Sometime after we bought the house we stopped therapy. During the time we were buying the house I was nervous because he could be very territorial. I remember thinking since he will be buying this house together he was gonna think that the house was "his" and he would be a real butthead about things. I had already notice this about him. Soemthings were not "our" somethings were but if he deemed something his no one could touch it. WE moved into the new house and shortly afterwards I noticed things had gone back to the way they were before I found out about the first affair.He was not helping with anything in the house he was back to treating everyone like we were in the way.

His realtionship with my youngest child at that time was quickly detoriating. He was always picking on her, talked to her with a lot of sarcasam. It was as if transfrerred all his hate towards her, he couldn't do it to me because after the first affair I was more vocal about things. There were manytimes when I wasn't home that he would get into an argument with her and she would call the police. When the police would get there he would tell them the baby had accidently called. They never questioned anyone and would leave, when I got home I would here her side then his and I was always left confused not sure who to believe. It didn't help that my daughter would just shut down and not tell me anything. She wouldn't even admit to calling the police.

Then the fall of 2008 everything came crashing down. I found out about another affair. This time a dark anger set in and I kicked him out not caring if he was gonna kill himself or not! While he was gone I snooped and snooped and found out he had been having this affair since the beggining of the year. I found out who she was contacted her husbband and told him about the affair. During this time I found out that this was actually the fourth affair. The first two I had suspected long ago but never had enough evedience and he would talk his way out of it.

During the next two years we were separated and he despartely tried to make me belive nothing physical had happened that they had just called and texted each other. But I found hotel charges on our credit card bill and lunches. When I asked him about it he told me he went to the hotel by himself to kill himself to think about what he was doing. Blah blah blah.. he said the movie ticket I found that he had bought two because he didn't want to appear alone! So stupid!

During this two years he started going to church, he joined the men's ministry and went to church every sunday and wednesday. He claimed to be a changed man, but then never admitted to the affair! During this time it was a very very confusing time for me, I saw him going to church and doing all the church things and I started to think was he changing? Was I just to angry to believe he was changing. But then I also noticed that things didn't change at home he was still being very secretive and he would not admit to anyting about the affair. He claimed the affair was over but I just didn't belive it. I took his cellphone away from him and for a year he said nothing but then he started to bug me for it and I wouldn't give in. We fought a lot about the cellphone. But I figure that is what you used to fool me and have your affair I be damned to give back especially since my money helped pay for it. One night (after he got back from church) he brought up the phone again we got into a big fight and he physically attacted me. He got arrested and I put a restraining order out on him. I filed for my divorce and by that July me and the kids left.

While we were separated I started to realize how much I had feared him, I also started to be able to see through his lies. I could see how he would spin facts, he did it so well that I ended up not knowing what was truth and what was not.

I later found out that during those two years he was still in contact with the woman he had had the affair with. In fact they had gotten "together" two more times after I confronted him about the affair. Sometime in April of 2010 he started an affair with another married woman, they would meet of all places at church. Two months after me and the kids left our house he moved her and her family into our house! So much for a changed man.

After our divorce we fought some more over the things that we had to separate he tried stopping me from getting things that had been awarded to me. So in October of 2010 I decided no more contact. I haven't contacted him for anything at all.

He has come to my new home now twice that I know of. Once when we went out of town he came into my back yard and left a bunch of stuff I had left behind. I figured it was his way of telling me he knew where we were. He calls from time to time claiming he still needs some legal letter from me but it is a lie the last time we went to court I made sure to sign off on everything! I have since blocked all emails and his number from calling our house number and our cellphones.

While we were separated this last time we started to see a counslor but this time I refused to see him together, he saw him for a while but then stopped sometime in the summer of 2009. I continued to see him, this couselor is the one that started to educate me on Narcissism. After awhile he told me that he strongly believed that my ex was a psychopath. Everything seems to fit. It has been a hard road to recovery but I am getting there. The hardest part was finding out how often he cheated and lied. The fact that till the very end even a few months after our divorce he was still telling me that he was going to fight for the rest of his life to get us back together and all this time he was already in another affair. After he knew that I knew about this last woman he got very ugly with me, that is when I decided enough, and entered NC. Have been there ever since.