Wallace's story

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 22 - 6AM
Wallace
Wallace's picture

Wallace's story

I first met my ex-N through work (we are both in the same profession) and we started dating about 8 months later…ironically, he started pursuing me only 6 weeks after he broke up with his previous girlfriend. I must admit, there were red flags in the beginning which I chose to ignore: he came to a function at my house without his girlfriend stating that she had something else on…turns out he never even invited her and then got very irritated when she found out and blamed someone else for mentioning the dinner and dropping him in the shit! Of course he was never to blame for not inviting her and keeping the whole thing secret in the first place. Of course after we started dating, all I heard about was how she didn’t meet his needs, she was always doing things with her friends (major red flag!) etc etc. So that’s when I was in the “he won’t be like that with me because I’m special” mode.

Things were ok for about 4 months but every now and then little things started cropping up. He overreacted to the slightest little things and was extremely offended by things that seemed to me to be so insignificant. Of course during this time he kept telling me how tactless and insensitive I was and how I didn’t realize the things I said would offend people because I was too blunt and not “soft” enough. So I thought it was me. He got very upset when I happened to comment on a good-looking actor on TV because obviously this was just SO INSENSITIVE of me and he would never do anything like that to upset me (like I am so insecure that him commenting on a good-looking actress would worry me? Hmmm, I don’t think so).

He would harp on the weirdest things and fly into a tantrum for the strangest reason. I have to give examples here because it is the only way to show how bizarre this sort of behaviour actually is. We were talking about things we like to do as a couple (silly me, that’s what I thought we were talking about. Actually it was all about the things that HE would like me to do with him to make him feel extra special and bugger the stuff I would like to do). I mentioned that I would love it if we went out to dinner more often and he flew into a rage saying that obviously I thought he didn’t spend enough money on me and he bought me a really expensive necklace for my birthday (he had NEVER bought anything like that for any of his previous girlfriends….lucky me, so special, blah blah) and how could I be so ungrateful. Get this…the next thing he says is that “we agreed” to only go out to dinner once a month (huh?? We did? Can anyone say “gaslight”?) . Anyway, he calmed down to a simmer after I offered to give him the necklace back saying it obviously cost him far too much money and if he didn’t want to spend it in the first place then he should rather get a refund as I was not going to spend the rest of our relationship feeling pathetically grateful for every cent he spent on me.

Well, the list goes on but eventually I realized that he was the problem and not me so I ended the relationship after about 8 months - he kept threatening to break up with me if “we couldn’t work out our issues” i.e.: if I didn’t roll over and pee submissively in my haste to fulfill his every whim. Eventually I just woke up one morning, burst into tears and realized I had to end it. I drove to my sister’s house and poured out everything that he had been saying and doing and finally verbalizing it and getting another person’s perspective on it made me realize how absurdly he had been behaving and that my feelings were totally justified. I ended the relationship and felt a sense of freedom for the first time in ages.

He hoovered constantly for the next 3 weeks however he never admitted any wrongdoing on his part – it was always me. I told him I was not getting back together with him and advised him to see the psychologist I was seeing.

Hmmm, so 2 months later when I have hit the lonely stage, I made the mistake of contacting him. He is oh so sweet and apologetic and says he has been seeing the psychologist and knows what he did was wrong. Please will I give him another chance….blah blah blah. Oh how that hoover functions beautifully when it wants to! So of course he has now reverted to the sweet nice guy I first fell in love with and the petulant, tantrum-throwing little child has disappeared. Yay for psychotherapy! So I take him back and things are awesome. Three months later he proposes…beautiful diamond ring, romantic setting (later found out the accomm was all arranged by a friend of mine, he didn’t lift a finger) and off course I said yes. The fact that he never asked my father’s permission first niggled me (I am an old-fashioned girl and consider it good manners) but of course he had an excuse for that too.

Blissfully happy, moved in with him 3 months later, wedding set for 6 months time. First hiccup when I made the mistake of watching a TV program that he didn’t like (he was upstairs showering at the time). He comes downstairs, pulls the remote out of my hand and changes the channel. I give him a look of utter disbelief, he throws the remote back at me and then proceeds to sit down and lecture me about how now we are living together, we must learn to compromise and it’s not all about me (huh? Of course it’s not about me, it’s about him!). And, why was I watching this program when we’d arranged to go for a picnic on the golf course now (WTF? GASLIGHT, GASLIGHT!!! I know this because there was no food in the fridge for a picnic and I was roasting a chicken for dinner at the time). Well, I packed a bag and drove home (still had my house with some furniture in it, tenant hadn’t move in yet) and spent the night there fuming. Next day I get a text to say “truce”. Nearly lost it. Gave him his ring back and packed my bags. Again the hoovering…massive hoovering. Put the ring back on my finger with shaking hands and tears in his eyes. Must have shat himself that his NS was walking out the door. But of course I went back and like a good trainee, was now extra careful to only watch TV that he wanted to watch when he was there.

Buildup to the wedding he managed to keep himself in check…little things every now and then but off course the bride-to-be’s denial was super strong so I just glossed over all those doubts, suppressed my gut feeling and just carried on regardless. Wedding absolutely beautiful, couldn’t have asked for a more spectacular day – We were both so happy. Honeymoon – first 4 days lovely and then the rot set in. Silly passive aggressive stuff like insisting that don’t eat in the restaurant in the evenings because it’s too expensive (nice one, he is not exactly poor and this is our honeymoon for God’s sake). The list is endless.

Anyway, the next year was textbook living with a narc. Starting with subtle putdowns: Someone laughed at a funny joke I told and later I get “you’re not as funny as you think you are, my darling” in this really sarcastic tone. Slaving over a new recipe, really pleased at the turnout and I get complaints about how he doesn’t really like that type of food (really? You liked it when your mom cooked it) and how he had heartburn the whole evening (so the pie and Coke you had at lunch had nothing to do with the heartburn? Seriously?). Had my hair high- lighted the same as I always did and I got the “I prefer brunettes” at the end of the day. Not the end of the world on their own but little digs, wearing away at my self-esteem and confidence. Sideways glances at my clothes before going out to the one dinner a month that we agreed on progressing to an all out “you look weird in that top. It does nothing for your shape”. So of course every time we went anywhere after that, I would second guess my clothes and what I was wearing. He even offered to pay for me to go for a makeover so I could learn what I looked good in!! What an awesome husband, how sweet and generous of him. So now I started questioning my fashion sense which, although conservative, is actually quite good.

I started drinking in the evenings when I got home from work, better ways to cope, I know and I chose the wrong one. Fully accept responsibility for that. Of course this was like blood in the water for him. Great target!! Now he was so worried about me because I was going to be an alcoholic like my mom (she is in recovery and doing fabulously). Of course I think one of the reasons he hated me drinking was that I got braver after a few glasses of wine and would stand up and tell him what I really thought. Oooh, BAD NS!!! Naughty NS! I look back on how I deteriorated over the last year and my downward spiral, meanwhile inside I was screaming at the injustice of the double standards in our relationship; walking on eggshells all the time; having to reason with him when he was ranting about someone at work when I could blatantly see his wrongdoing and what a fool he was making of himself by blaming other people; the emotional exhaustion of having to be careful of what I said and did all the time.

Then he started on me if I went out with friends. He never wanted to go anywhere with me or to social functions etc and would always bail out at the last minute so I was left having to make excuses for him. Got home the one night after an evening with friends: not a light on in the house and my toothbrush on the floor outside our bedroom door. Of course when I called him on it, it was because he was so worried about me when I went out because I would drink too much and then drive (had two beers and coke for the rest of the evening) and he never knew what time I was going to be home. I’d texted him to tell him when I would be home but he never got it…why? Because his phone was switched off! That’s how worried he was about me!

So I took myself off to another psychologist to sort out the drinking (it was becoming a problem and I knew I had to do something about it). I never told him what was really worrying me because I was still in denial at that stage and still convinced that if I tried harder and sorted myself out that things would be ok. And I did sort it out…no drinking during the weekend. Limited myself to two glasses of wine on the weekends and maybe 3 if the evening was late. Man, did this infuriate the N! He still harped on about it and would deliberately pour me a glass of wine in the week even though I had told him I wasn’t drinking. Then he would say that I made him feel guilty if he poured himself one and not me (uh, no…I’d always ask for ginger ale if offered something to drink and never once made him feel guilty).

After a weekend away with friends, I got a big lecture because I told a rude joke (really not that bad considering the company we were in, everyone loved it) and now I was crass and crude. I also swear too much (hardly) and he is very worried about raising children in that sort of environment because he was not brought up like that.

It got worse and worse and then he started saying we should call it quits and basically threatened divorce, tears the works. I couldn’t understand what his problem was? I had sorted out the drinking, I was trying to do everything he wanted as he had requested and he still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the psychologist’s office he said he didn’t have any energy left for our marriage and proceeded to give this long sob story about how he tried so hard and I never made him feel loved. I was also so lazy because I slept till 8am in the morning (on my two mornings off a week) and didn’t go cycling on my mountain bike which he had fixed for me 2 weeks ago…boo hoo. Basically painted this picture of me as and Eastenders lazy fat housewife (so not me) and he as the poor hardworking loving husband.

As we walked out the therapy session I had my light bulb moment. With each step that I took I got angrier and angrier until by the time I got to the car I was ready to blow. I packed a bag and went and stayed with my best friend for the night. I poured everything out to her and then to my sister the next day.

That was 2 months ago – I left to stay with my parents and filed for divorce. The agreement has been signed, summons issued and am just waiting for a court date. I started researching emotional abuse online and was absolutely flabbergasted by the similarities of what I had experienced. Discovered Sam Vaknin’s website on NPD and I haven’t looked back since. Some hoovering, flowers, sweet notes etc alternating with lectures, guilt trips and bullying then back to hoovering. He told me that I would have the same issues in my future relationships (projection!!!) and that the grass is not always greener on the other side ( well, let me tell you, pal…it’s looking pretty f****** green from where I’m standing!!).

The most upset I have been since I left him was when I discovered that my best friend (yip, the one I poured my heart out to) has been spending time with him behind my back. I confronted her and basically she doesn’t want to acknowledge that he was emotionally abusing me because “she never saw anything” although she did witness my slide into hell and the drinking so now he can conveniently tell her I am an alcoholic and was so impossible to live with blah blah blah. Anyway, she is of the rescuer mentality and more concerned about “being there for him because he is so hurt and upset that I have left” than being loyal to a 12-year-friendship so I have cut contact with her as well. Now I know that everything I have told her will go straight back to him. I feel nothing if they get involved (nothing in terms of longing for him or missing him or anything like that) but the betrayal is from her side. That someone who knows me so well would reject everything I have said in favour of him. But the reflection is on her, not me. She is so desperate for male attention that she would ditch our friendship to get what she craves from him. Good riddance to both of them.

I am moving my furniture in 10 days time (had to wait for my tenant to move out) and moving back to my old house which, thank goodness, I didn’t sell despite numerous efforts on his part. So far I am doing well on the NC – had to see him when I went to pack my things because he insisted on being there but my parents came with me to help me. And boy you should have seen the Narc rage attack that day. It was absolutely hilarious! Well, for me anyway because I had seen the behaviour before. My poor parents were stunned and my mom was quite scared. It was amazing to see him seethe and simmer in frustration because he had obviously been gearing up in his head to give me a full on go and then realized he couldn’t because my parents were with me. And then it was like he could not hold it in anymore and he just lost it. Ranted and raved and kept jumping from place to place in his tirade trying to draw me into an argument. I steadfastly refused to discuss anything with him and kept my cool despite his best efforts. Eventually I told him to please go away as I had nothing to say to him. He scuttled off in a huff and sulked till we left. Then in a classic hoover, he put three grand that he owed me from months before into my bank account the next day…bwaaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaa!

Well, that is a very long story but I had to get it all out from start to finish. Very cathartic. All I can say is thank goodness for the www and the knowledge that is out there. It feels so good to see everything so clearly and I feel stronger than I have in ages. And I plan to be there to support anyone else out there who is going through or has gone through what I did. This site rocks!

Sep 1 - 6AM
Anabelle
Anabelle's picture

Hello

Hello! Thank you for sharing your story. You are a strong woman. You will see, here we all have horrible stories and yes this site rocks :)))) HonestlyI am shocked! There are so many similarities!!! "Had my hair high- lighted the same as I always did and I got the “I prefer brunettes” at the end of the day. Not the end of the world on their own but little digs, wearing away at my self-esteem and confidence. " It happened to me as well... I guess they cant take the idea that you change something, because it's not under their control and also because it shows some kind of control of yourself. Plus it's a sign, that deep inside something is changing in you, something, they can't control (yet)....Pathetic. The first thing I did, he dumped me right after the psychological support and 7 sleepless nights :)- Went and died my hair blond as I always was before he made me dark brown.... It felt awesome! "I started drinking in the evenings when I got home from work, better ways to cope, I know and I chose the wrong one. Fully accept responsibility for that. - For me it was the last kick down the stairs. "Do you think the alcohol makes you so aggressive towards me?" I wish I could go back and throw that wine _HE GAVE ME MANY TIMES_ on his super cared hair and super expensive taylor-made shirts. On the best friends... My friend who we shared and I though she was supporting me... well she set him up with the new one and since than blocked me from FB... f... those friends. Find new once. You don't need them. These are not friends, but supplies for him. Just really feel sorry for them. Take care, head up, you gonna make it!!!
Sep 1 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Wallace
Wallace's picture

Annabelle

Oh don't worry about the alchohol thing - I got told I get abusive towards him when I drink wine - ha ha ha! What's his excuse? He also told our therapist that my sister, some friends and I were "falling down drunk, staggering all over the place and finished every drop of alchohol in the house" when we went on a trip away. Um first, he went to bed early so how would he know? And second, it was a blatant lie - yes, we got a bit merry but it was so not like he made it sound. And he told the therapist that my dad abused my sister and I (totally not true) - I just sat there with my mouth open - I was so shocked at the lies coming out of his mouth. Did he honestly expect me to continue being married to him when he was telling lies like that in front of me? It's amazing what these guys think they can get away with. Anyhow, thanks for your support. I am moving my furniture out of his house tomorrow so I am just hoping he doesn't have another narc attack - my sister is going to be there so God help him if he tries anything because she will cut him down to size in about half a second. Court date for divorce set for the end of the month and then I am well rid of him. Can't believe I married such a troll! We live and we learn!
Aug 22 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville. Hunter

Welcome to Narcville. Hunter
Aug 22 - 10AM
LilithErisRose
LilithErisRose's picture

Thanks for sharing

Minus the marriage... same. :) Stay strong you sound like you are doing a great job! I, too, am a "drunk"... LOL. My ex-husband is which is how I KNOW for a fact I am not. I also second guess myself dress-wise now. I'm hoping that will fade away soon. Sometimes I purposely wear things that I know I would get screamed at/judged/told to change just to try to desensitive myself. These idiots are all about control... nothing is good enough and everytime you adjust to meet their pretty little picture...they switch it up and there's yet another thing that wasn't just quite right.
Aug 22 - 8AM
Pearl
Pearl's picture

thanks for sharing Wallace

Great story and well told, you had me laughing out loud at his absurd behaviour. It's great when you remove yourself from the spell and can see clearly what's going on. And I know that freedom feeling well! My ex hubby was similar to yours by the sounds of things. Once I was out, I was out and not going back! I knew things were wrong before we were married but was young and inexperienced and gave in to his hoovering. We had a child together and co-parent now, which is annoying at times that I still have to put up with him but a thousand times better than living with him. The ex-narc I'm getting over at the moment is a different kettle of fish, and I can't believe I fell for another one after already surviving and thriving the original narc! I thought I had learned my lesson first time round but made the mistake again of second-guessing myself and giving narc #2 another chance. The lesson to learn from our stories is to walk away and not go back when we realise they're a little 'off'. Give up the fairytale dream, wipe the slate and walk away right at the beginning, which is usually when we notice the 'red flags'. I hope you have learned that lesson and don't make the same mistake like I did 2nd time round. Go sister! Pearl
Aug 22 - 7AM
indenial
indenial's picture

wow

I can really relate to your story. Mine was like yours. It was just so hard to make sense of because it was so clever the way he managed to derail me. I was totally gas lighted. I can see that now. I too had a beautiful necklace from him that hed never done anything like before. Apparently he's never done any of the things he's done with me with anyone else before ! Bullshit !! And what sucks is that I know I won't be the last either ! I know that shouldn't suck but it does !! I lived with him for 3 weeks only and it was the same with the tv too ! I felt like woah what's happeneing here ! He sulked off to bed without even telling me cos I was reading the paper and not giving him any attention ! So when I got up and walked out I was thrown out ! Then hoovered like it was all my fault ! Once again he hoovered me back just for nothing to change though and it all to be my fault ! Thanks for sharing. I needed to read that today because its so similar to the things he did and I was slipping back into denial so badly I broke NC. Just to listen to how it was all me again ! So how come if its all me I've been the only one trying to fix things !! He even had the cheek to say a week without me and his stress levels have gone down ! So I guess while I've been suffering and struggling with NC he's been having a blast. I wish I knew how to do this but I still can't handle it !! Your story gives me a small glimmer of hope again. Hugs xx
Aug 22 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Wallace
Wallace's picture

To indenial

Be strong, my friend. And rest assured, you will never be able to fix your relationship or him...never! Once I accepted that, it was alot easier to move on. There were always those "what if" moments but now I know that the man I fell in love with does not actually exist. He is an illusion that was created by my ex-N to suck me in. So you can't miss someone who never existed. Sure, you might get back that guy for a few days, weeks, months but eventually the Narc freak will rear his ugly head and you'll be back to square one but the damage it will do to your self-esteem is not worth it. They cannot change. If they show any remorse, it is not because they are truly sorry for hurting you, it is because they are sorry they got caught and you called them on their bullshit. Trust me....NC is driving him nuts! The absolute worst thing for narcs is not to know your every move or if you are pining for them or even if you are happy. Any news of you feeds him. Cut him off completely. It is the only way. He will never change, he is totally toxic. Don't feel sorry for him, feel sorry for the next poor girl that he gets hold of. And rejoice in the fact that it won't be you. xxx