Keshas' Story-Story of humiliation

I've been married to a Narcissist for 4 years and hear is my story.

I had always wondered why he wanted to marry me so fast. We had only known each other for 1 yr and I had never met a man who wanted so badly to marry someone. I thought he must really love me! Before we married we never had a long relationship just dated casually. He told me that he wanted to rid of all the baggage in his life before he made me his. BS I know but I was 21 and very naive. I believe I was one of his primary back-up supplies. He had been in a 5 year relationship and him and this woman would break-up and make up every week...literally. I thought this was strange but when talking to him about her he made it seem like she was no good. He also had a baby on the way by a woman he flinged with and assured me that he wanted me and if I could just bare with him, everything would be ok. It worked! I had fallen madly in love with him a long time ago

So anyway we got married. I still remember what he said on our honeymoon while laying in bed. He said "Man, you just don't know what you have gotten yourself into." I always wondered what he meant by that but I took it as a joke.

As soon as we got married, or as soon as he secured his supply from me, he changed immediately. unfortunately, I became pregnant a month after marriage and he turned completely. For on he had all of these female friends and ex's that he wouldn't let go of. We fought for months about it. The one he was with for five yrs, I call her Tia, was the one who really upset me. He remained in contact with her a lot and her family as well. Also, the woman who had his first son, name Lola. He had inappropriate relationships with women and just about every woman that he knew and socialized with were all ex's or women he had sex with before. It took him a while to appear to had let them go...but now after 3 years i realize he had never let them go. He had just found a better way to hide them...facebook,myspace..need i say more.

We fought a lot. A whole lot and always became verbally abusive. He would break my things, call me names, do things that could put my life in danger etc. He would humiliate me by telling all of my most deepest secrets to anyone who wanted to listen. He flipped everything that happened and things that were his fault into my fault. He set up ways for me to be humiliated. He tried to isolate me from my friends and family members by telling them that i talk about them behind their backs. Unfortunately, he worked on my sister and this was really hurtful.

Our marriage had the same patterns as his before relationship. We would breakup every two weeks. As you notice when you are married you cannot just break up but this is how he saw it and when we did break up he would feel free to do what he wanted out in the open.

He screwed with my mind more then ever. I am a smart and intuitive woman. The whole time married to him my gut kept telling me the truth. things would just come to me but he would make me doubt myself by saying things like "You think your always right about everything!" or "You think i am this horrible person but I swear you are wrong and one day i am going to prove it.

He abused me so badly and I always felt he enjoyed fights and hurting me. i would leave him and then a week later he'd put that mask back on and I thought he'd changed. He never changed. it was only temporary. I had our second child and he started a fight in the hospital room calling me a bitch and left. He had no empathy at all when i was sick or even when i was in the hospital.

One day i decided to tell him i needed space. I wanted to separate for a while. This bothered him and he immediate put on the charm. Calling me and being as sweet as can be. He popped up over my house one night and asked to stay over. i agreed but didn't pay him no mind the whole night. The next morning he got up pissed and left the house in such rage. I was confused. he sent me messages telling me he was going to cheat because he needed the love of a woman. I was like "After just one night! you act like i do it all the time!' I couldn't believe it. I guess he really needed some supply that night lol

I finally decided to leave after i found out he cheated on me with his ex Tia that very same night. He blurted it out during one of his rage episodes. Of course he tried to lie and say he said out of anger so i called her and she admitted it. After he found out he admitted as well. He treated me so badly after i found out. i felt like i was the one who had cheated. He told me i didn't give him what he needed and that he just wanted to be pleased. He told me he didn't care about me etc etc.

OF course after i stopped begging he popped back up trying to get back in. Silly me I agreed to try and work it out. Dumb Dumb! When I questioned him about his affair he would get really upset. I prayed about this all the time and one morning i was talking to him about he and he just kept laughing and then Tia called me. She told me the whole truth. She told me he had never stopped talking to her and the he dogs me out to her telling her all type of nasty things about me. She said he had forced sex on her and it shouldn't have happened. When I confronted him he hung up and that is when the truth came out.

He admitted to cheating on me several times while we were married. He told me I was just easy sex to him...in other words i was his secondary back up supply. He told me if i had just done my job none of this would have happened and that he ain't hurt a woman could never hurt him and that he had plenty of women.

i realize now the truth behind it all. I was his secondary supply. The one he went to when primary's were unavailable. Thats why he married me so quickly. He needed secured supply. All the while he never was sorry for anything. He never felt he was wrong about any even when he did the most horrible things to me. He kept his ex's around as primary's and he always seemed to value them more then me.

I always wondered why he treated me worse then everyone else when I was his wife. I think he hated me because I wasn't as easy to control and manipulate as he wanted me to be. I wasn't easy to control and to him I was disobedient and stubborn. He even told me this. He told me he hated that he felt like he had no control over me and he decided that if I wasn't going to respect him I was going to fear him.

I never did anything wrong to him from a humans point of view. But if you look at it from a Narc's point of view I did everything wrong. i was disobedient and hard to control so therefore I got punished and devalued a lot.

I am not hurt after all of this. Don't know why.