Contradictions of the narc .

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#1 Oct 16 - 6AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Contradictions of the narc .

My narc was a wanker , he put the DICK into contradictions and after a while i became as mentally ill as him , it was reactionary and it wasnt untill i was out of the relationship and the fog began to clear that i realized i was suffering from cognivive dissonance .
My narc played with my emotions like a cat would play with a mouse , we would have conversations like this,

Narc " i love you so much Scoop , i couldnt live with out you , next summer we should go away on a trip? would you like that ?"
Me "i would love to go on a trip where shall we go ?"
Narc "the trouble is i want to go to India but you wouldnt like that "
Me "i would love to go to India "
Narc "I think i will go by myself "
Me "how long will you go for "
Narc " about two years "
Me "WTF"

At this point of this kind of conversation my brain would be spinning , i would think "what does he mean ? WHAT DOSE HE MEAN ? AGGGGGG!".
The truth of the matter is he ment was for my brain to be spinning and asking what does he mean ? My brain spinning was his sport , his amusment , his power .
My narc will never stop this behaviour it is ingrained into his personality disorder ,the only way to stop the cognitive dissonance is to go NO CONTACT.
Heres our Lisa on cog diss

December 8, 2010 - 4:34am — Lisa E. Scott
It is important to realize that when coming out of a relationship with a narcissist our minds are experiencing severe Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time. Cigarette smokers are a perfect example of individuals who may experience Cognitive Dissonance. They enjoy their habit, but at the same time, loathe it because they know it’s bad for them, right?

Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t make sense. How can I love something that I also hate? How can I be crazy in love with this person, but despise them at the same time?

We remember the wonderful times, the good times and the person we thought we fell in love with and we miss them. We wonder what happened to them. Where did they go? Why did they disappear? What did I do wrong?

We must remember that we did NOTHING wrong nor is there anything anyone can do to bring this person back. The person we fell in love with is not who we thought they were at all. In fact, this person never existed. We fell in love with an illusion. The acting talent these personalities possess is astounding. They are master manipulators.

While we’re remembering this person who no longer seems to exist, we are grappling with a new person we no longer recognize and we don’t know how to feel about them. How can they be good and bad? How can I love them and hate them? Trying to resolve this in our minds is very confusing. Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive, intrusive thoughts that impede our ability to concentrate, work, sleep, eat or function.

Obviously, maintaining NO CONTACT is very difficult when we’re in this state of mind. When all we can do is obsess about our ex, it’s near impossible to avoid responding when we hear from them. We’re consumed with trying to figure them out and although we have the knowledge we need to stay away, Cognitive Dissonance keeps us wondering if they’re really all that bad. We want to give them another chance to prove us wrong, to prove that they really are capable of love.

Unfortunately, we learn the hard way that they will never change. Some of us need to learn this lesson more than once. Others can move on more quickly. It is my hope that by understanding why we obsess about them, you will be better able to stay away and move on more quickly

Happy Sunday Scoop xx

Oct 17 - 11PM
ready2receive
ready2receive's picture

endless contradictions big and small

Once again it is so affirming (albeit disturbing) to find that I am not alone in this befuddled mess! Here are a few of my N's contradictions: One day we were househunting and seriously contemplating putting in a bid on a house. The very next day he was acting all pissy and when I asked him what was wrong, he was indiganant that I couldn't tell he was miserable living together with me and my kids. (So why were going to buy a house together?????) He told me that he agreed to an arrangement to have his ex-wife pay the last 6 mos. of child support directly to his then 20 year old daughter. Even took a day off to go to family court to sign paperwork to that affect. Months later he was complaining about finances saying that when his daughter turns 21 he will no longer get child support. When I innocently said, "Oh, I though you gave that up awhile ago and she was paying your daugher directly," he got angry and couldn't figure out how to cover up his "lie" and said he didn't tell me that it never worked out because it wasn't important. (Aren't finances important to discuss with your spouse? And why did he lie about it???) I could go on and on. But again - I didn't press the issues out of FEAR of losing him! OMG. Unbelievable. I should have been FEARFUL of staying with him!!! Thanks for listening!
Oct 17 - 10PM
Erali
Erali's picture

OMG I had this conversation

OMG I had this conversation too. It went like this: Him: I'm going to xxx this summer, you should come with me! Me: Oh wow, I'll think about it I might be able to! Later Me: I thought about it and I would be able to go! Him: Well, I didn't mean actually come with me, I meant, like, you can go and I can go and if we run into each other we could have coffee or something. Uh huh.
Oct 17 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"An old monster of a man who held contradictory opinions"

That's what Sofia Behrs wrote in a fairytale she wrote before marrying Leo Tolstoy. Of course, Leo identified with the aging old monster who held opposing opinions- and proposed immediately to Sofia. In the fairy story,the aging prince is saved thru the much younger, beautiful princess' pure love, but reality wasn't the same. The ex-Psych prof held LOTS of contradictory opinions. He was virulently homophobic, and apparently held vile opinions of African-Americans, yet he was *OBSESSED* with the LGBT African-American rap collective Rainbow Flava. He would say terrible things about gays, he was ecstatic when Clinton passed DOMA... yet he'd wax poetic on then-Governor/Ironman Gary Johnson,and an Illinois state senator named Barack Obama, whom you might have heard of. He claimed he preferred conversations to lecturing (he was parroting his father).. but his classes ended up being lectures. After the final D&D, he said he wanted me to admire&hate him SIMULTANEOUSLY. In his favorite book, "War and Peace", Tolstoy connects resentment&revenge (logically) but then connects contempt&compassion. No wonder he found the Q&A session after his lecture unbearable. Thinking on his feet did not come easy to him.
Oct 16 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Yes, this conversation sounds

Yes, this conversation sounds all too familiar... Here's one I experienced during the final devalue stage (keep in mind we'd started a business just months before and were involved in a couple of important projects at the time): N: I was talking to my friend today who lives in ____. I'm thinking it would be great to go there for awhile. I could do this and that - it would be a great opportunity to get in on the successful business he started there, what do you think? Me: uh, ya, that sounds like it would be pretty cool... N: What's wrong, don't you agree it would be a great opportunity? Me: Are you serious? You want to move there? N: Maybe, I was thinking it would be a nice place to live for awhile. Me: Well what about our life here and the plans we've made...? N: (getting frustrated) Geez, it's just an idea... Me: I'm sorry, I'm just a little surprised... would you want me to go with you? N: (angry now) Of course you could come with me if you wanted to, oh forget it! Me: I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard, it DOES sound like an interesting idea... N: (angrier) I don't want to talk about it anymore, you are never happy and the first thing you always think about is how what I want affects you! Then he walked away to brood for awhile in silence, leaving me quite stunned by the rapid disintegration of conversation. I couldn't talk to him after that - silent treatment for at least an hour and I knew by then from experience if I did not want the situation to escalate into him either 1) threatening abandonment or 2) actual abandonment - I'd better leave him alone. A few months later he was gone, hooking up with new supply. Then a few months after that, took HER to that SAME place for a holiday.

Journey on...

Oct 16 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh yes and dont we learn very

Oh yes and dont we learn very quickly not to push the point of fear of them leaving even if that point is moving city and leaving behind your family , friends and life . Its utter crazyness but thats what trauma bonding can do , i never trauma bonded to anyone before like this , even with the other narc it wasnt really a factor , i could go weeks with out seeing him but with this narc if he was out of my sight for more than a day i would litualy break down in fear , its difficult to explane unless you felt it , its way beyond reason but very real .. He broke me down to such a point i was completely dependant on him and if he wasnt around i couldnt funtion , im not a weak person , i dont have a history of dependancy but with this narc i was showing all the signs of a raving opium addict . It was terrifying , i knew i had to run for my life but my boots made of lead .When he truned violent was my chance to leave , it snapped me into action , i was so angry that he dared to put his hands on me that motivated to go NC , also the girlfriends on this amazing message board who where there every step of the way .Nearly 2 years ago and now i wouldnt spit on him if he was on fire ! Yessss !.... Big love Scoop x
Oct 16 - 12PM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Narc " i love you so much

Narc " i love you so much Scoop , i couldnt live with out you , next summer we should go away on a trip? would you like that ?" Me "i would love to go on a trip where shall we go ?" Narc "the trouble is i want to go to India but you wouldnt like that " Me "i would love to go to India " Narc "I think i will go by myself " Me "how long will you go for " Narc " about two years " Me "WTF" ROFLMMFAO! That exchange is priceless!
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

So priceless , i look back

So priceless , i look back now and think why the hell didnt i leave him earlyer but as we all know theses little gems dont happen ever day or even every week , life goes back to normal and you are left wondering did you actualy dream that conversation . By that evening he had his mask of sanity back on and we went out to dinner as if nothing was said . Strangly he didnt make it to India , he was far too busy smoking pot and screwing up his life for that to happen .xx
Oct 16 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Really is a shame he didn't

Really is a shame he didn't make it to India...the world missed out on a golden opportunity for him be flattened by a rickshaw.
Oct 16 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Seriously, though...I looked

Seriously, though...I looked in the mirror one day and realized I no longer knew who the hell I was. I was a full-blown bitch to everyone about everything (he was a very VERY negative person) outside of our relationship...I let myself go to hell appearance-wise - I began thinking about the person I was before our relationship...outgoing, funny, fun to be around...and I was no longer any of those things...I just wasn't a very likable person all around. I had to get out or this was going to kill me. Literally. My biggest regret is all the damage this has caused to my son...I fear he is going to grow up a narc b/c of the utter and complete dysfunction that surrounded him from the ages of 4-11. FUCK.
Oct 16 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I lean to the nature side of

I lean to the nature side of the reason for psycopaths not the nurture , the more i look into it the more i think they narc or psychopath is born that way so i would say with strong boundrys your little son will turn out ok . I think we all have that looking in the mirror moment and not recognise our selves , the narc by his very nature dismantles us bit by bit with out us realizing untill its too late and there is a real sence of having to rebuild ourselves after they go , for a while is completely normal to not remember who we where before they rampaged through our lives .And i dont really think we are ever the same , we grow so much and i truely believe in time we become better people , much stronger and wiser , it takes time but with NC and education we all get over this and go on to better lives .. xxx
Oct 16 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I totally agree with your

I totally agree with your assessment of how we emerge from a relationship with these Genghis Khan types. I have grown a lot, become much stronger...actually, I'm more at risk for him to be reaching out to me now than I ever was...for he sees a new me...a person of strength and who accomplished what she said she would in a very short time frame. I again become the forbidden fruit...someone to be conquered, since I am so rife with fresh supply for him. Unfortunately for him, however...I am NOT the person I was 8 years ago...the person I am now will never give a creep like him the time of day. xoxo
Oct 16 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

They have a built in "streght

They have a built in "streght o meter" they sence you are getting stronger and they can hover you , keep strong and enjoy ignoring him xx
Oct 16 - 11AM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

This is all I've ever had

This is all I've ever had from him. Constant games of Hunt The Truth (where possibly there's no truth at all). There's been such gems as: He's a rough, tough, streetwise muscleboy with a heart of gold and overflowing with bravery VS He's a wuss who first went to the gym terrified of all the big strong men and did classes with non-threatening women for the first few years because he couldn't handle it. He went off into a 9 month relationship with the OM, and never two-timed me or the OM VS He went off into an 11 month relationship with the OM that funnily enough overlapped when he was seeing me. He's so complex that he has difficulties getting on with most people VS He gets on well with everybody all the time. He has medals in ballroom dancing VS He walks like he has two left feet and both knees are welded straight. "I love yanking your chain!" VS "You see things that aren't there." In the end it comes down to this: 1. His stories and past don't make any coherent sense - this suggests there is something dishonest going on. 2. He refuses to discuss why or explain, instead only asking that I trust him - suggesting that I am not worthy of an explanation. 3. He has demonstrated that, if it suits his purposes, he will lie without guilt or remorse - suggesting that I am not worthy of honesty. By this point I've analysed narcdom until my brain squeaks. At the end of the day I have no idea whether he does this because he's evil, or because he just can't help himself and is just trying to maintain/protect his puffed-up ego no matter what. But from that list above, I know that he can't be trusted and doesn't respect me enough to treat me decently.
Oct 16 - 8AM
indenial
indenial's picture

this has been the biggest thing to get my head round

Cog dis has kept me stuck in this loop for a very long time. I think its starting to lift and the more I accept that I did NOTHING wrong the more the pain lifts. He stored every little thing I'd ever done wrong to blame me and twist it all around until I felt worthless and that I had totally ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I kept going back to try and put it right. I could never put it right. I was just jumping through hoops trying to please him and I just became the pasifier. Now I am finally beginning to accept what he is and that I did NOTHING wrong I am feeling strong enough to want complete nc. Not for him. For me. Its not about him anymore. It feels very freeing once you finally start to truly accept its not your fault. My immediate goal is to make sure that he can never twist my reality again. And I know that lies in remaining completely nc. I have my fingers crossed that he doesn't hoover but I know that I've got to ignore it as best I can and come here instead. Big love to you scoop and thanks again for another validating post xx
Oct 16 - 8AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Scoop another good

Thanks Scoop another good reminder. I have very severe CD earlier on as my exN was very passive aggressive. Weird conversations happen all the time, its daily. Narc: I am taking a day off today Me: any plans? Narc: maybe to the seaside for a swim Me: sounds good enjoy Narc: abit lonely to go by myself Me: ok i pop over in the afternoon and we go together? Narc: what time? Me: lunch i buy some food over When i was on the train i texted him "happy?" No reply When i arrived he started berating me about an incident that he wasnt happy about which happened few days ago. Non stop! I was standing at the door with our lunch in tears. He saw i bought chicken and push it away saying i ought to know he dont like grilled chicken! Only curry ones! I asked him if he doesnt appreciate me taking time off to spend with him say so! He promptly said he DID NOT ask me to! Gosh!! That was v hurtful. From then I never wasted any of my vacation days with him. They are just lunatics!!