13Moons13's story

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#1 Dec 10 - 12PM
13Moons13
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13Moons13's story

Healing My Shattered Soul

I am so happy to have found this site. The last two months of my life have been the most physically and emotionally painful months of my life. In the first days after he "pulled the rug out from under me" it took everything I had to stop sobbing and take care of my sons. I have nearly alienated my friends who don't understand why I can't just "get over the loser, scumbag." I was sure I was going crazy and wouldn't make it through the day. Finally, I began to search the internet looking to make sense of it all. Thankfully, I finally found this website. So here is my story:

I have always viewed myself as a beautiful, strong, confidant woman. I was successfully self employeed. I was a psychology minor in college, have volunteered for a woman's domestic violence hotline, and I have a sister who has been diagnosed with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. One would think I could spot a N a mile away; be immune to falling madly, passionately in love with a narcissistic man who would eventually shatter my soul.

Although I have been married to a successful doctor for 20 years, the connection and passion left our marriage about 15 years ago. We stayed together for all the common reasons: the children, money, I had nowhere else to go, divorce is unpleasant and expensive.

About two and a half years ago, my NARC entered my life. He was the brother of a friend and when we were introduced the chemistry and physical attraction was immediate. Of course I played hard to get; he hunted me down. He was the most handsome, passionate, strong, badass man I had ever met, and the first time we kissed I truly saw fireworks!!! He has the most beautiful lips and is very well endowed. I'm sure he knew from his brother I was married, but on our first date I was forth coming and told him I was married but very unhappily; he understood since he was ending his 12 year marriage to his crazy, psychotic, abusive wife, and just breaking up with the last crazy, stalking girlfriend...*red flag number one.

Although I was still living in the same house as my husband (in different bedrooms) the relationship with my N progressed quickly. I spent all my free time with him and he told me after a month of being together he was falling in love with me...*red flag number two. I ran to him most days, even if it was only 30 minutes, just so we could be with each other...to feel alive, feel the love, the passion, and the connection. We are both in our 40s and we would often have passionate sex three times a day....(oh how I had missed that over the last 15 years). Every day he he held me, told me how much he loved me, how much he loved my beautiful blue eyes, my long dark hair, my big boobs, my lips my feet. He made me feel so beautiful, so safe, so loved.

For the first six months of our relationship everything seemed god sent - perfect. Then I noticed he became jealous and started to say mean or off color things to me. Nothing so obvious as to make me leave, only question why he would say that to me. Now I know he was gaslighting. *more red flags The first was "you are such shitty kisser"...WHAT????!!!! "I was just kidding". "Don't go for a walk at the lake with the dog, you are asking for trouble; someone will hurt you". "The dog ran in the garage with her tail between her legs..coyotes" He became angry when I would go out to lunch with my friends; he began to tell me what to wear or not to wear if I wasn't with him. He began to tell me I didn't have enough time for him. He could do whatever he wanted, but I could only do things with him or wait at home for him. We began fighting because I would stand up for myself...knew the way he was treating me was WRONG. In the meantime, my husband moved out of the house and our divorce progressed. I thought my N would see how much Ioved him; that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

As time went on, he began to comment to me about other women or tell me about his past girlfriends, call me a skank, a slut, a whore, a bitch, crazy, crazy, crazy..blah, blah, blah. I told him calling me a c*** would be the final straw, but I even ended up tolerating that. He wouldn't ever come into my world, I always to go into his. I probably broke up with him a hundred times over his rude, stonewalling, unyielding behavior, but he always came crawling back with his beautiful brown eyes, awesome sex, and promises to change. There was often drama, often fighting...me crying home alone during the holidays because he would never bend for me. Once he got so angry with me for not letting him see my laptop, I ended up cowering behind my bed terrified..he threw my cellphone into the mirror....shattering both. He was afraid I'd call the police, but I didn't. Once, his 10 year old son crawled into bed with us when I didn't have any clothes on, and my N did nothing about it. I left. I still couldn't leave him permanently; there was still such love (ya right) and I kept thinking somehow we could find our way back to how it felt in the beginning. I loved how strong he was, how we would sleep together curled up like a pretzel, and how kind and sweet and helpful he could be, and of course, the awesome sex. My defense to his behavior was to constantly walk out on him, only to have him pleading for me to come back. I began to act like someone who was not me..crying, .crazy, psycho..name calling...once he even baited me into slapping him on his shoulder.

Finally, in June I went to my home state with my children for two weeks to see my 84 year old father and his wife, and my cousins, and to go to my 30 class reunion. He kept our dog while we were gone....of course, at one point during the trip he told me he was taking my dog to the pound. I was terrified he would do that. When we returned, he interrogated me constantly about what I did, who I was with, what I was wearing...blah, blah, blah. (I was NEVER inappropriate; I was madly in love with this man). But the fighting became more intense. He wouldn't stay out of his bar that I hate. He actually began to pull away from me, I started catching him in more lies..he even tried to use his son to cover for him when I caught him in a lie. A friend of mine came into town and I went out for dinner and drinks with her and some people from work...that was the end. He broke up with me via text. HE'S tired of MY drama. Wouldn't take my calls, just he's done with me VIA TEXT!!! Two weeks later he came over to fix my tractor for me...all he wanted was sex...it took everything I had not to, but I'm so glad I didn't.

I was completely shell shocked and shattered...strange thing is is that I often told him he was a narcissist, but I didn't listen to myself.

In classic form, he would occasionally text me...how are you? Are you ok? I tried very hard not to reply but couldn't help myself. I was hanging on to any shred of hope he would find his way back to me. I even sent him an apology letter about how sorry I am about my behavior, told him I started seeing a therapist, quit drinking so much, etc. (pathetic)

Recently he texted me, "how are you?" "Are you seeing anyone?" "How are your boobies? They are the most awesome boobies I have ever owned." After three days of texting me he says "you need to stop texting me...I have a girlfriend. she saw you texted me and I don't want to piss her off." WTF??!!!! After that I completely blocked him from my phone, and facebook and my sons' facebook pages. I now know he found his new victim a week before he left me (at his bar of course) ...she was his new supply...she is exactly everything he told me he doesn't want in a woman..children with different men, half asian (he is the biggest racist in the world)...liberal..slutting looking.

I have lost 25 pounds in the last two months..couldn't eat or sleep, but after some time and finding this site, I feel like I am passing through hurt, sadness and shame to some anger. I guess that's a good thing. I hope someday I will return to my whole self...its going to be a long haul.

People who haven't been through this don't understand...thanks for being here.

Dec 12 - 2AM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I so agree with your

I so agree with your comment....'I wish my heart wld catch up to my head.' Sooooooo true!!!
Dec 10 - 6PM
empath
empath's picture

13moons13

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It is important that we all realize that no one...rich, poor, white collar, blue collar, educated, uneducated, etc. is exempt from being manipulated by a sick, disordered NPD. Looking forward to your posts. I have a feeling with your training and background you will progress quickly in your healing, and will be sharing a lot of insight with the forum...which will heal you even faster. :)
Dec 10 - 5PM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

As badass as he thinks he

As badass as he thinks he is...he's not nearly badass as you. By the sounds of it you have all the raw materials (looks/smarts/strength)to come back! It's hard work but you're worth it. I too have done some extremely low down out of character things.(I ignored him as he was choking to death on food, I sat next to him and never lifted a finger help....he would have died had not someone else helped him) I'd do it again..in a heart beat. It's the fighter in me. There's a fighter in you and you are going to fine!
Dec 10 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

It was a constant power

It was a constant power struggle with us. I called it Clash of the Titans. I always acted like I didn't care whether he was in my life or not. Except when we were "just us", entwined for hours. Then I could lower my guard and let him in. Maybe that's what's hardest for me...the one man I let in.....
Dec 10 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

Your post made my cry. I

Your post made my cry. I used to be the queen of badass, in a refined, mature, classy way. I used to be the queen of walking away from people who didn't treat me well (even my own narcissistic sister). When the gaslighting first started I tried to reason with him and kindly tell him that it was unacceptable to talk to me like that...that soon gave way to me saying "F*** YOU...YOU'RE NOT TREATING ME THAT WAY!!!! GET THE F*** OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! (that was the only behavior that made him back off) . But somehow I let him take that away from me...even though I fought it to the bitter end. I honestly never thought he would leave me..that he loved me forever and would somehow stop acting like that..now I know he just hadn't found another victim. Its so hard to believe he never loved me...even after he D&Dd me he said he was madly in love with me but couldn't stand my drama. My friends say she saved me...I know she did, it just doesn't feel like it.
Dec 10 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

So glad that you found the

So glad that you found the forum. As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but wonder, are you now divorced from your husband or do you continue to reside in the same house? I am curious, because it must make it ten times harder to ave to go through this experience while sharing the same roof. Your guy sounds like a classic narc, for sure. He as found his new supply, but don't worry, it won't last forever, even f it did, you eventually, won't care one way or the other. As far as being racist, remember, he was a racist with you, but may be re-inventing himself for the OW. They do that very well. Read as much as you can on the topic, with your dusters diagnosis, I am rue you and your family are well abreast of this disorder. Stay close to the forum and reach out to any one, any time. Good luck and stay strong!
Dec 10 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

Thanks so much for everyones

Thanks so much for everyones support. Sparrow, he didn't show me he was a racist for a long time into our relationship; another thing we heatedly discussed; I'm not one. My husband moved out after 6 months into my relationship with the N. However, a court date is set for the 19th to decide alimony and child support, and distribute assets. So, I am dealing with the finality of both at the same time...its very difficult for me, but I let it happen. Makes me sad for my kids that I let that happen, even if the marriage wasn't good. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm still here is for my sons, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he has this much control of me. He always told me one of the things he loved about me was my strength. I guess he finally realized he would never completely control me. I often said to him.."I'm not a door mat..that's what you need...leave me alone." I was surprised how devastated, depressed and broken I am about him being gone. My head knows its best.....I keep wishing my heart will catch up with my head. He has introduced his kids, whom I love and don't ever get to see again, to his new victim already...its been a month....I feel bad for the kids. Makes me want to throw up.
Dec 10 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ugh!!! Here we go again..

Ugh!!! Here we go again.. Welcome to Narcville .. Hunter
Dec 10 - 1PM
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

welcome to know people who

welcome to know people who haven't been true I really don't get it. it does igetway easier overtime. I'm glad you found us.