Goodbye Lord Tom

Alice was right when she said I would leave you, maybe she already knows what I now know. Maybe she knows and is happy to accept that a relationship with you is a relationship with someone that cannot properly engage with feelings. That is what your sister meant back then, when she said that you were not able to love.

What I have come to understand is that what on the surface you present as a funny chap is actually an unhappy man rooted in an unhappy child. I have loved you Tom, I still love you but I don’t believe that you can love me the way that I need to be loved. I need someone who wants to be with me because he loves me, not because I provide useful things for him. I am not an object but I am beginning to feel like one with you.

What is missing is:
• Passion- I don’t see passion in you except when you are hurling insults at innocent bystanders
• Intimacy- you don’t look at me when we make love, you rarely touch me when we make love, our love making is passion free, boring and intimacy free
• Trust, I just don’t believe what you tell me about Alice, at least I believe some of what you tell me but you omit so much, your calls to her, your texts back and forth and talking to me about what you get out of the relationship with her - I think I know what she is to you and knowing it does not make it any less seedy- it might be sexless but if you give her up I know I would become the next one to be cast into her role; I will be devalued and discarded as she, is only to be picked up again when you need money/work/a holiday/dinner etc
• Authenticity- I cant see the real you, you seem to be acting out a part all the time, it must be exhausting for you, its also exhausting for me because the character you play can be so unpleasant.

You say you cannot do things to me in our sex life that you have done to others, that you respect me too much, I don’t want to be respected in the bedroom, I want to be a whore in the bedroom I am not a Madonna, I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER

You have so many seemingly loveable qualities but I no longer believe that they are offered from love, they are shown as a way to get what you want. I cannot be with someone who has to have his own way all the time. Your list of things you won’t do is so debilitating that with you I no longer do things I used to do before I met you. I don’t go to the cinema, I don’t eat out, I don’t go to bars (other than the ones you like), I don’t visit friends.

I am not entirely blameless, I have allowed myself to be sucked into your world and have conformed, but in so doing I have gradually become someone that you have started to pick at, and my friends have stopped wanting to hang out with me when you are around.

You have humiliated me in public- the facebook thing was hideous.

The biggest problem is that if you really hurt me, I will hurt you back with all the same weapons, I am in many ways as vindictive as you are when scorned. You have met your match in me, I don’t think I am as sociopathic as you but I know that I am capable of acts in rage that are every bit as nasty as yours. This is why we have to end and end now before one of us does something really nasty and hurtful. I don’t want to be in touch with you any more, I want the time and the space to heal. No contact is the only way I can get through the next few months when I will want to call you and I will want you to call me. Please don’t, Please let me get over you.