Hootiemomma's Story

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#1 Aug 26 - 7PM
Hootiemomma
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Hootiemomma's Story

Facing my N in court for domestic violence

I was at a very lonely place in my life. I'm a single mom to one 7 year old girl, I'm fairly successful in my career and have a side business. I met my N on line and he seemed to be just what I needed. He was affectionate, interested in my feelings, life, family, he wanted to help me with projects around my house. He lived right down the street and we spent a lot of time together.  The beginning was a dream come true.  I fell head over heels for this man.  
He admitted to me early in our relationship that he was on SSDI for anxiety and depression. I knew I was dating down, but I overlooked it and reveled in the joy I felt from being pursued by this man. Our relationship from first date to finish was only 6 months total. It was very intense. The first half, while not perfect, was beautiful and brought me and my daughter much joy and happiness. On April 15, I noticed that he had changed his profile on the website we met on to say he was "single". This really hurt me and when I confronted him about it, he went into his first rage. He threatened himself with a knife to his throat.  We never got back to how things were after this.  He changed a lot with only occasional glimpses of the man I fell in love with.  
There are too many details to post or I'll end up writing a book. So to keep it short, from the beginning he had a habit of from time to time disappearing. Obviously we didn't live together so I tried to be a good girlfriend and let my man have his freedom. I didn't want to smother. The fact is, which I only learned after he went to jail after threatening himself and me with a knife, that he had been cheating from day 1.  He was never faithful to me and almost every word ever uttered from this man's mouth was a lie.  The final incident involved him signing for a female friend to get her out of jail. She is the one who called the police. Apparently, she was his meth dealer. I knew he had addiction problems in his past but did not know he was an active addict.  The girl he got out of jail  has since entered into rehab and is working a recovery program and has become a friend to me. She told me things I would never have learned otherwise. Her and several other of his "friends" revealed that this man was living a double life. The depth of this man's depravity truly know no bounds. I feel like I have been mindf@@ed. Truly. 
Now I'm left to deal with the reality of a no contact order, so I can't ask him about anything I've heard, and he is in custody. It has been a little over 6 weeks now. The very next day after he went to jail, his eldest son's mother sent me a very long, detailed and very graphic e-mail describing her 3 year relationship with him during which he beat her, choked her, raped her, and caused her to have a miscarriage.  I still cannot picture him engaging in such sadistic behavior but I feel she has no reason to lie. 
After he went to jail, his mother told me he was NPD/ Boarderline PD.  I had met his parents several times and spent two hours alone with them once.  Why did everyone wait until he was locked up to tell me all this info?
The no contact order does not go both ways, so I wrote him an 8 page typed letter. The charges he picked up from our final evening together include one felony and two misdemeanors. This is his 3rd set of domestic charges. The other two were for things he did to his eldest son's mother. He is fighting the felony and so I've had to appear in court three times. The third time, I had to testify, we ran out of time so I have to go to court again to testify and then possibly in front of a jury for a jury trial unless he accepts the plea he has been offered or admits his guilt which he will never ever do. This is a nightmare. The other victim has been at every court appearance and wants him to be severely punished. 
I wrote him that letter because I wanted him to know what I know and how badly he hurt me.  I read that unmasking the narcissist is one of the only true ways to get revenge. Little did I know my letter would be and has been sent to the district attorney and his defense attorney after it was confiscated by the staff at the residential center he's in. 
Even though I did not call the police and the only one he can truly blame for any of this is himself, I know he can't see it that way. I know now he is a pathological liar and will invent things in his head to deflect blame. I'm never going to receive any closure. Time has helped to slow the obsessive thoughts but it's been a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I'm concerned that he will vilify me for testifying in court and sending him that letter.  Lately it has occurred to me that I could lose my life at some point over this. The other victim and I were communicating regularly until about a week before the last court appearance. She wrote a 9 page typed letter to the DA for impact to show how violent he can be. I decided that communicating with her was not helping me. My nightmares were mostly from the violence he did to her and the cheating. I think cheating is a form of domestic violence. Retrospectively, I should have not gotten into this relationship at all. Not one moment of the "good times" was worth all the aftermath. Hindsight is always 20/20.  
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has been through a legal battle like this with an N and can tell me how it turned out. Will he seek revenge against me?  Will he see how he hurt me?  If he does vilify me, how long will he hold the grudge?