It's a long one!

Wrote this back in March; felt I needed to post it as I'm feeling a bit stuck.
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M, I have never experienced heartbreak the way I did with you. What you did to me was cruel and twisted. You are an abusive person who preys on people’s goodness and I think you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s no surprise that three of your exes suffered from depression following a relationship with you. You’re a parasite and an emotional vampire.

I didn’t always think that about you; I’ll never forget when I first met you – I thought you were incredibly charming and handsome. You were flirty and really convinced me that I was something special. We developed a friendship due to work which later transpired into a relationship. I always thought we had really good chemistry until your psycho tendencies started.

You told me I was beautiful and perfect. Thought you’d never find a girl like me. We flirted on the phone every day, texts throughout the day to remind me how special I was. When my sister and I were fighting you would send me encouraging words. I couldn’t believe my luck; I had finally found the perfect guy!

I should have known something was up when you asked me to pay your bill because your ex wouldn’t. You told me that you hated her and she was a bitch. That you wanted to go to her work and let everyone know what she was really like. The venomous anger that was coming from you was scary but I agreed to do it because I thought that that was what girlfriends do. You even had me sign something about the property you owned. I thought it was weird at the time that you didn’t ask someone you knew longer but I was happy because I thought it meant you valued me.

One minute I was perfect and pure; you even told me I was marriage material. The next minute I was unattractive, fat, a ‘boring nun’. You were either all over me or wouldn’t come near me. Mornings were the worst; you could barely stand the sight of me and always made hurtful comments about my appearance and how ugly I was without makeup. Our moments of intimacy were all about meeting your needs; the only time you really pleasured me was ONCE!

I did think you were odd when you asked me if I loved you shortly after we started dating. You seemed obsessed with knowing that I loved you. The first time you asked me I lied and said yes. I think I lied to protect myself because I knew what would happen if I was honest.

In these early days I remember lying in bed with you and I blurted out, “Have you ever hit a woman?” Even I was surprised I came out with that but it’s obvious now that my subconscious was spot on about you. Naturally you denied this but we both knew deep down that it wasn’t true.

You told me that I wasn’t allowed to be friends with any men. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my roommates if they were men and I wasn’t allowed to continue my friendship with one of them. When I put up a fight, you swore at me, called me names and made me sound like the bad person. You said you wanted nothing to do with me and that you had no feelings for me and wanted me to fuck off out of your life.

I don’t remember much of us ‘dating’. You would come over on the weekends and slum around my room the entire time. I was doing your laundry, ironing and cooking. I gave massages when your back hurt, got you cold medicine when you felt ill and generally treated you like a prince.

You seemed to enjoy picking fights with me over everything. You called me a slut and wouldn’t talk to me for a week over something trivial. Our fights were increasing rapidly. You often referred to me as immature, stupid, prick, slut, and whore. You even said that you’ve never hated anyone as much as me. My roommates could hear you yelling at me and were worried why I wasn’t my usual self or hanging out in the lounge anymore.

You also told me that I was too fat and that I needed to lose weight. Said that you weren’t attracted to fat girls and that if I wanted to be on your arm I needed to be a size zero. Every night after barely eating and working out for an hour you would grill me on how many calories I ate versus how many calories I burned. You yelled at me and hung up the phone on me when I only lost 2kg on my first week. I felt like such a reject and embarrassment to you, like I was your dirty little secret or something. I never met any of your friends, family or colleagues during this time.

You also hated the fact that I died my hair an auburn colour and said that I should go blonde because I looked ugly. Which I did, all for you. My hair started to thin and fall out, probably as a result of my diet, bleach and emotional stress. You also wanted me to have a tan so I started spray tanning every weekend. When I told you this (and other things) hurt my feelings, you laughed at me saying that I was too sensitive. In fact, that was something you said to me very often and you even said that I was a cry baby who is as immature as a 12-year old girl.

This is the bit that scares me most. When I found out that you beat your ex up (I did this by reading your emails) I didn’t want to believe it. I’m so angry and disappointed in myself but it will never happen again. I wonder if you gave me your email password to intentionally hurt me. I saw that you were also on some internet dating site and when I confronted you about it, you brushed it off saying that someone at work had signed you up as a joke.

One night you came over after not seeing each other for a while and I could tell you were looking to pick a fight. You wouldn’t look at me throughout dinner and as soon as you saw me, you said that you hated what I was wearing and the way I looked. When we got back to mine, you started going through my phone to see if there were any texts from guys. You found one from my roommate, who was asking me a question about the property. You went mental and started yelling at me and threw my phone at the wall and stormed out of my room. You ignored me for a few days and then dumped me via text.

As usual I let you back into my life and we were talking while I was home for the summer. You sent me a text to say that you didn’t want me seeing or talking to any other men. The worst part is that we weren’t even together at this point but you had so much control over me. You wanted me to change my flight but I refused because I told you my mom was ill and I just wanted to be there with her for a few more days. You said that “it’s not like she’s sick anymore, what’s the problem?” I still can’t believe that you said this to me; it makes me upset just thinking about it. I should’ve told you to stay the hell away from me right then and there.

I was so depressed during this time, I felt like I just wanted to end it all. I wasn’t eating (because you told me that you would be with me once I reached 65kg) and I was consumed with grief and guilt. I had to coach myself to get out of bed in the morning. I kept dreaming of the day that you would come back and declare your love to me.

You would contact me when you needed a favour, such as sorting things out on your emails, sending job applications, etc. But, while I had your new email password, I did some reading. I found out that you had been beating up another girl as well and that you were using me to hurt her. She was saying stuff like, “If peaches is so perfect, why don’t you go and be with her? I’m not going to spend my life being compared to some fat geek”. Interesting choice of words, they must have been yours to describe me because she didn’t know me. I also found out that you were cheating on her, calling prostitutes and treating her miserably. In her goodbye email she mentions that she was going on antidepressants to cope with the horrible way you treated her.

While this caused massive anxiety and depression for me, I still wanted to see that you were better than that. All these signs I will never ever ignore in a person again.

Remember when I took you in because you had no where else to go? I welcomed you into my home with open arms. You told me you loved me and that no one was as special as me.

We lived like a married couple. You moved your things into my room and we did everything together. I loved taking care of you; I was so dangerously in love with you. However, none of this behaviour was reciprocated; it was always all about you. When you didn’t get your way your psycho tendencies would come out and you would yell at me and call me names. You even behaved this way in front of some of my friends. No wonder they hated you.

I did try so many times to get you to open up to me about your feelings but you always shut me down or got cross with me for bringing it up. The only occasions you would ever open up was when you were drunk or high, you used to say you couldn’t do it sober. But I just don’t know what’s real with you anymore.

Our intimacy was weird. It usually started with you crawling on top of me and basically dry humping me. You never seemed interested in oral sex and I had to ask you to kiss me. The most humiliating sexual thing you would do was hump me from behind until you came. It was disgusting and degrading, leaving me to clean myself up and you ignoring me. As much as this has hurt me, I know that it’s you that has the issues; it’s you who hates women.

Remember all the times you told me you loved me? That you’d never leave me? That I was an angel and the best friend you’d ever had? I wanted to believe that so badly.

When you met new girl, you were still fooling around with me. Still telling me that you loved me and that she was just some girl. How dare you emotionally manipulate me!!! I was heartbroken when my Nanna died and it seemed the more my feelings got in the way (or I started to express my needs) it just got too much for you and you couldn’t handle it or be bothered.

Our final argument resulted in your usual name calling and yelling…I now see it as you projecting YOUR symptoms onto me. You’re sick, M. and you desperately need help. I regret responding to your Xmas text. I should’ve just told you FUCK YOU as I was meant to be spending Xmas at yours, remember?! No concern, ever, for my welfare! That was the last time you ever heard from me.

So you’ll never see me again, don’t worry, you can continue to fool everyone around you until you start to show your psycho tendencies. It’s no wonder people are in and out of your life; you’re a destructive and hurtful person. I’m sure more girls will come and go in your life; you have a tendency to pick out kindhearted women who will do anything for you, but one day all this hurt you’ve caused others is going to catch up with you. Actually, I know it already has because the horrible life you must live is symptomatic of a sad and bitter man. I feel wrought with guilt sometimes knowing that you used me to hurt other women and I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

No matter how much I blame and hate myself for putting up with your shit for so long (after all, I had a role to play in this codependent-abusive relationship) I loved you. Unconditionally. There wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t have done for you if I thought it would make you happy. While you took advantage of my feelings, I refuse to be embarrassed of my genuine love for you. That love has now been replaced with anger and hatred, which soon enough will turn into indifference. The only words of love I’ll offer are: get help.

I have to remind myself that any contact with you is damaging and as much as I want closure, I have to give it to myself as you have zero capacity for empathy and love. I will always wonder if you ever loved or cared about me in your own warped way.

Have a nice life, I look forward to the day that you realize that you really lost a prize when you fucked things up with me.

Sincerely,

peaches