mini break-thrus

Since discard 5 months ago, I've had numerous mini break-throughs. First one was the day after, when I was called to the house of the girl who set us up and she revealed that my ex kept things from me including the fact that she sold her eggs and had biological children = evidenced a lack of trust; something I suspected for a long time. The second one was the googling of "can't make love" and "needs excessive compliments," which led me to websites where I was able to determine my ex is, in fact, a narcissist. The next approx 10 were the ah-ha moments when I was able to parallel things my exN did, e.g., the adulation stage (what I had called her out on as the "bait & switch"), the devalue, and the abrupt discard. A few others include when I saw her out on dates with an empty blank expression, staring at the table, and with one of the biggest adulterers in the city, but rich = true colors.

Recently, I had one when my good friend asked me what I would do and feel if HE was the one being mistreated by my exN. And most recently, my counselor pointed out that, even if I had a better body and was giving her all of the gifts and compliments she wanted, that still would not be enough because my exN's ex-fiance did that and she still wasn't happy (she told me she was "settling for what she thought was possible"). The last one was pretty big for me because I was struggling with the what-ifs. During our relationshi[t], I dismissed her neediness as unhealthy and I told her that the fact that I am with her and treat her very well should be sufficient validation that I love her dearly.

So, I'm making headway. I didn't drive past the places we used to go out last night. I haven't contacted her for a week. And, I had a dream last night of meeting another girl's family. They were warm, accepting, her father had a sense of humor, and her mom was a beautiful woman inside and out. This is completely the opposite of my exN's HORRIBLE family. I think even my subconscious has had enough of this torture. Thank you, fellow board members and thank you, God. I expect the path forward will continue to have set backs, but today is a good day.

FN