My story and how I made sense of everything

This website has been a lifeline for me since October when my life nearly fell apart. I am nearly 100% recovered and I want to share my story because I know how difficult and painful it can be. Believe me, I have been there and there were times I thought I would never recover. You have to listen when I tell you that No Contact is the only way this can be done. It’s very difficult for them to change. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself and you are worth so much more.

I am not an expert but I believe the reason narcissists exist is because their self-esteem is destroyed and in order to feel safe they need people. However, people don’t like to be used therefore they have to make out like they have something to offer…so we fall for them. In reality, they have nothing to offer and all to receive. Don’t give them what they want.

Here’s my story…

I spent 2012 feeling empty inside. I thought it was my job, my friends and even my fiancé that caused me to feel like this. Consequently, I changed my job, started to make new friends and talked to my fiancé. Nothing could fill this emptiness inside me. I was fully functioning but I was searching for something. I was being bullied at work but at the time I didn’t think this was the issue. I didn’t realise I was being bullied.

A friend of mine commented on the fact that I was being bullied and she went great lengths to help me. She spent her evenings online trying to get information on bullying at work and what I needed to do. I had been spending a lot of time with a friend and almost overnight I started to dream about kissing her. I had never had feelings for a female before and I started to think that my emptiness was down to my sexuality. Could I be gay? I never felt sexually attracted to her though, only emotionally.

I kept this hidden from my fiancé and played along with my female friend that had started to flirt with me. It was like she was able to read my mind. The day after I dreamt about her I noticed that she complimented the way I dressed, that I was so interesting and such a good friend. She made me feel amazing. She wouldn’t stop texting me and contacted me on Facebook constantly. I loved the attention and I had never felt so good. On a night out she declared she had feelings for me and winked at me. I tried to ignore her.

After a while I became addicted to her, I couldn’t do without her. At the time I thought I was gay, nothing to do with her compliments and my lack of self-esteem.

One night things came to a head when I started to realise she was being excessive with her compliments and she started crying when I said I was moving abroad next year. Something deep down struck a chord with me and I just clicked that she was being false. She didn’t have feelings for me and I was being taken for a ride. While she cried and asked me not to move away because she loved me I asked her to stop acting. She got very angry and started to question what my problem was with her and that I had been aggressive all night (I hadn’t). The change in her behaviour was amazing she was like a different person. I asked her why she had been flirting with me and why she had said she had feelings for me and she denied it all.

By this time I had kissed her and panicked. I told our mutual friends the truth (all of the above) and that I had feelings for her. They told me that she had said that she didn’t have any feelings for me and that she never said a thing. They tried to convince me that I had been seeing things because I wanted to believe that she loved me. I began to doubt myself.

All I wanted to do was be with her. I wanted the compliments, the attention. It was all gone. She didn’t call to ask how I was, she didn’t say anything on Facebook and she didn’t come around to see me at work. I was given the silent treatment and it killed me inside. I wanted the help back but she gave me nothing. She lied to all my friends and I nearly lost my fiancé and reputation. What followed was the most painful experience of my life, I was shattered, I didn’t know who I was and it was like she had emotionally raped me.

It took me a while to figure out what had happened to me but I now believe I was an inverted narcissist and I think my father is a narcissist. I had really low self-esteem and deep down I hated myself. I always wanted to please other people to control them into liking me and I could never be myself in front of other people. I thought that if I were myself, all my friends would leave me. I believe the emptiness I had felt was a lack of love for myself.

My father wasn’t a nasty man but I think he emotionally abused me. He ticks all the boxes and I think this is why I had low self-esteem. I am glad this woman tricked me because it broke my ego. I thought I was amazing and invincible and this woman showed me I wasn’t. My old self can’t exist and I am grateful for that.

For a long time I was angry with my friend but I now realise that she was in love with my attention too. She wanted to keep me and one way to do this was to make me dependent on her compliments and attention. We were two sides of the same coin.

I can’t be friends with her anymore but I’m not angry with her. I finally know what it is to love myself and it’s true you need to love yourself before you can love another. My amazing fiancé understands my story and has been my rock through everything. I have learnt to love him and I want to marry him more than anything in this world. It is not the addictive ‘love’ I felt for my friend but a deep, loving satisfied feeling. It is about giving not receiving.

Thanks for reading.