Hoovering The Kids For His Fix

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#1 December 16, 2013 - 7:16am
homeschoolmama
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Hoovering The Kids For His Fix

I, unfortunately, have 2 daughters with exN. Lately things have been right back at the beginning like we are just getting divorced 10 years ago with his games, behavior, hovering, etc etc. He is working hard to suck in the girls also...and I'm not quite sure if what I'm saying is getting through, or if I should be saying anything at all.

He had wanted the girls to get checking accts with him...I had long ago advised the girls that is a VERY bad idea and told them why. He has already stolen thousands in cash from them over the years...cash they were given as gifts from family, etc. "Borrowed", is what he likes to call it...and of course, has never paid back and never will. The girls know this first hand, and I explained the checking acct and how credit works, so I don't think this one will be an issue. Just reminders ;-)

However, my oldest is going on 15 and is taking drivers ed. exN has been really pushing her to take his car that he has now when she gets her license...I don't know his actual reasoning for pushing this, can only venture to guess that much like anything else he 'does' or 'gives' them (ie a cell phone for her birthday) he gets control and maintains his power over her and me this way, in his sick mind. If the car is "his", even though he 'gave' it to her, he gets to say when she drives, where she drives, etc etc. I have talked to her about this, and the more she says no or doesn't answer, the more he pushes it. I can see her caving...last night I told her if she wants to continue to games with him and be controlled like he does with her cell phone, then take the car. But I won't listen to the whining and complaining anymore about it because we've talked at length, many times about what she can do to ease the issues. She refuses to give up the iphone, even though she has another cell phone that I pay for...smartphone, but isn't an iphone. Told her she can either be attached to 'things' and then also his control, or she can let it go and work it out another way and be relieved of the issues. She's not quite there yet, as she is only 14 and it is her father.

I don't tell them what to do. We talk about things, I walk them through all of their possible options, and they make the choice. I have raised them to also be aware that with every choice there is a consequence and they have to live with it.

Do I leave it at what I've already said and say no more? Do I keep talking? I don't want them to get the idea that I don't care and I think it's important to keep reminding them (much like we do here) they need to make a decision and stick with it - never give in because that's when they have you...

So much easier to deal with this when its me, but I'm not really sure I'm handling it well with them. I also don't want to get in between their relationship with their father - I believe that is their place to define that and what works for each of them. I feel like giving them any sort of advice about how I've handled things just makes me sound crazy and like I'm badmouthing him. They know he's got issues but I do get tired of sounding like a badmouthing broken record, even though its the truth. I just hope something is sinking in, and they don't succumb to him and allow him to destroy everything they have in front of them.

-H

December 16, 2013 - 8:30am
moonbeam.
moonbeam.'s picture

I struggle with this as well.

December 16, 2013 - 8:24am
boomer14
boomer14's picture

It sounds to me...