36 years and counting

This is my story, which I will write in bits and pieces as I have time:

I met my husband in January of 1978 at a college frat party. He says he knew I was the one he was going to marry the first moment he saw me…he had seen me in a vision a year before that. Anyway, we dated (long distance) all through four years of college.

I wish I could have seen the signs then-the manipulation and jealousy. Case in point: One year on my birthday, my friends took me out for my birthday. Somehow he found out where we were, called the place and talked to me for about 45 min. I remember feeling like I couldn’t hang up with him, even though it was a place of business, because it would have hurt his feelings. I look back now and think, “Wow!”

We planned our wedding for September after we both graduated. Well, he graduated on time, I did not. But, too much had gone into preparation, I put school on hold and we got married. That first year was not happy. But, I had overheard my mom say that she didn’t give us a month and I was determined it would work. When he couldn’t find a job with his degree, he joined the Air Force. So, we moved away from our families.

Our second year of marriage was our first year in the AF. We had lived at our first duty station for about two months, and I was two months pregnant, when we found out about my husband’s two-year-old daughter. He was sued for child support. We were engaged at the time of conception. I forgave him. He paid child support until she was 18yrs old. As far as I know, he has never seen nor spoken to her. It’s a real shame, imo.

Memory: I remember going home for Christmas one year in particular. My favorite cousin was also home so, as was our custom, a group of us [cousins] got together at my mom’s house and stayed up literally all night talking about everything and nothing at the same time. It was so good just to be with them. At one point, we got in the car and went to my friend’s house just because. Well, the next day as we headed out for the second leg of our travels, you would have thought that I had committed every sin in the book. He even yelled at me, “What *@#&!^% did you go see last night?” with our small children in the car! We had been married about 6yrs at that point.

I had decided to homeschool my children. A choice I do not regret, and if I had to do it over again, would make the same choice. Anyway, since I did not work outside of the home, I had to ask for money when I needed it. It was humiliating to be asked why, what it was for, etc.

We had a lot of good times, but it seems like EVERY year on my birthday, “I” would do or say something that would cause him to make my day miserable, even if we were with other people.

I have had bouts of depression. I could never understand why. I had a good family wonderful children, great friends, and awesome church family. I was not high maintenance, so my needs were taken care of. It really bothered me that I was depressed.

Memory: I remember going home to my cousins wedding. He asked me to pack his yellow tie, so I did. I really did not like the fact that he expected me to pack for him. He was a grown man, he should be able to do that himself. Anyway, we were getting dressed for the wedding when he realized that I had packed the wrong yellow tie. You would have thought I left all his things on the highway! He was livid! It was truly ridiculous the way he treated me that day. I wanted to tell him, “Why didn’t you just pack for yourself?” but I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I? I was humiliated by him and felt stupid for not being able to stand up for myself.

Through the years as my three children have gotten older, I have volunteered to do things at church (nursery, choir) and things with my kids (cheerleader coach, cheerleader coach’s coach, 4-H club leader, etc.) I love to bake and decorate cakes, and sew for people. It has been a blast and sooo rewarding. So, why does it bother him so much for me to do these things? He says it because I don’t want to do things with him. You know, he could be right ☺ But, that isn’t the reason, of course. I enjoy it!

1992-My husband made a career move in the AF, becoming an instructor. After his initial training we were sent to another duty station. During our time there he was accused, three separate times, of sexual harassment, twice by students, and the final time by a co-worker. The final time got him kicked out of the military (1995). That was it, no more commissary, health benefits, paycheck! I stood behind him every single time when he said he was innocent. These women must have taken something he said in the wrong way! We started our own business and it is still thriving. It has paid the bills and allowed us to buy a new car, and take a couple of trips.

On our 25th wedding anniversary, I went through a pretty deep depression. I looked fine on the outside, I’m good at that. I just remember saying to myself, “I can’t imagine being married to him another 25 years.” I still couldn’t figure out why I felt that way.

2009-our last graduated from our homeschool. What an awesome experience! We had a really special graduation ceremony and sit-down dinner for her. It was very nice. My husband and I really wanted to do it right. It was special for her and everyone who was invited to attend. Shortly after her graduation, our daughter went to a year-long ministry school. Her time there was awesome for her. She grew spiritually but her faith was tested, a lot. After her graduation from there, she decided to stay in the city where the school is. It is important here to say how much she loathes her father and had often asked me how could I stay with him. She always felt he was just trying to control her life (and her brothers’ lives). She couldn’t wait to leave here. (Insert—I was blessed with a job I really enjoy after her graduation around this time, more on that later.) Sometime after her graduation, she went into a deep depression, an obvious attack on her mind. We got word that she had mentioned to a friend that she was thinking of suicide. As soon as we heard that, the whole family ran to her. Only when we felt confident that she was okay and had promised to get counseling did we leave. She did go to a therapist for a while, but didn’t like being medicated, or feeling like people would think she had a mental disease, so she stopped. She did tell me later that she had never intended to kill herself. She had that conversation with a friend who had contemplated it himself and he thought she was too. Her therapist told her to research personality disorders to see if she could find herself there. So, I started researching. Boy, was I surprised to find not only things regarding her, but what I was going through. Emotional Abuse! So many AHA! moments as I researched. It didn’t make me happy, but it sure was a relief to finally have some answers.

Memory: My daughter was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was raped. When she called me she begged me not to tell him. So, instead of running to my daughter when she really needed me, I kept quiet. I still can’t believe I could have done that!!! I still beat myself up for that. She wanted to tell him herself. So, I respected that. But, by the end of the day, when she had not told him, I told him when we got to the church parking lot that evening. He was livid!...and I don’t blame him. We left that night to go to her, to make sure she was ok. It was not a pleasant trip, especially with him telling me he didn’t even want to ride in the same car with me and how he started to stop on the side of the road to put me out. We made the trip back home that same night after trying unsuccessfully to get her to come back with us for a few days. We took the trip again that weekend with our son and his wife. Our other son met us there so we could have a family meeting. My daughter-in-law said it oh-so-well when she said, “I cannot believe how our going there to support [daughter] became all about him.” –we all ended up trying to talk my husband out of his plans to kill (yes, literally commit murder) the rapist. He spent the time there trying to get as much information from my daughter about this person. She did not know the guy, but had been drugged. She woke up in an unknown apartment, luckily with no one else around, and took off. The person had driven her there in her own car!—It seems to me that there is more to this story, but that is all she will say and she refuses to go to counseling because she doesn’t want to relive it.

2009—my job… When my daughter graduated high school I knew that I wanted to look for a job. I didn’t know what kind of job since I didn’t have a degree but I started thinking about what I wanted to do. A friend told me about a cake decorating job…thought about that, but the hours were crazy and I would have to be on my feet way more than I wanted to. No, I would just do cakes when and for whom I wanted. So, what then? Well, the perfect job literally fell in my lap. A librarian! What?, I never had even considered that before. All the time spent there with my kids and it never crossed my mind. Perfect for me and I love it! I get to work with people, especially kids, and I still get to help people better themselves through knowledge. My best friend told me to watch out, because now that I was also bringing home a check (although meager), my husband would not like it. He hasn’t said anything about it, but there does seem to be a slight change in attitude because he doesn’t control all the money anymore.

2010—I reapply to the college I went to back in day and was accepted. Finally, I’m going to finish my degree!!! They actually have a special program for older folks who started but didn’t finish. A friend told me that my husband told her husband that this (me going back to school) was going to be trouble. Wonder why he said that?

2011—I discover he is having an affair. He has brought this woman (who I still don’t know) to our house. When confronted, he denies, but has to come clean with realization that he is caught. He apologizes, I forgive him. We counsel with our pastor who recommends the marriage series, “Love and Respect.” While going through this, he continues the affair. By the way, he says it is not a relationship, because this woman was a prostitute because he gave her money. Well, he may have given her money, but all the phone calls and texts and conversations they had in my house, all scream relationship to me! I call him on it again, he apologizes again. I told him I needed time so we separated for a while. He went to another state to see his dying father. He constantly called and texted. I did not answer or return texts. He got back into town a week later and rented a room at a local hotel. He continued to call and text. One morning I got out of the shower at 6:30am and there he was with breakfast! A week later, he moved back home, but in his office. That got rough for him so he asked if he could move into the den so he could at least sleep on the couch. I obviously do not have a backbone because I allowed it.

He had to go out of town again for something and during that time my daughter and her boyfriend came into town. I allowed her boyfriend to stay on the couch (something he would never do, because he didn’t trust him or her). He got back into town early and discovered the boyfriend here at the house and declared that he was moving back in because this was his house and obviously I couldn’t protect it!

So, to shorten the story a little, he is still here. He has apologized…yeah, yeah, yeah.

More to come…