38 year of abuse just found your site!

To all my sisters on here who share the experience of living with emotional turmoil of an abuser and narcissist. Well my story..... just a mere fraction! I FINALLY left my husband one and a half years ago after many many attempts Family and friends had all tried without success to get me to leave but I was locked into this toxic dance and thought my husband loved me. If I had to list all the times he deeply and permanently wounded my soul the pages would pile up to the height of a mountain! For a year and a half I have been in trauma, it is only through the love of my family I have survived. But I have just wished the days away, sitting with insufferable pain in my belly and solar plexus, ruminating and researching and trying to find an answer. Been to Women's Aid, doctors and physiatrists but nothing really felt right, the antidepressants did not work either, because deep down I knew my heart and soul were battle worn and wounded. THE PTSD reliving all these horrific emotionally abusive events and finding no solace or answer, they are swimming about constantly in the fish tank of a brain
where I am drowning!!!
A month or so ago I started to research narcissistic behaviour and through this found this site. I feel a ray of hope, and like all you other women on here pray with all my heart to find healing. I have been in the ultimate black pit, just wishing I had never been born into this world.
One occasion we were on holiday, every night would follow the same pattern, we would get dressed up for a lovely dinner somewhere really special, but my partner had several pints of beer beforehand, this particular evening. I was really hungry and after a couple of glasses of wine felt very bad, light headed like I was going to faint. He dragged me outside, shook me, shoved me, tore my coat and told me in abusive language, spilling like thick black oil out of his mouth, his face in a rage to 'never never never to have a panic attack like that again,' slap slap, shake shake it reminded him of his mother who was agro phobic!!!!!! The next day all was forgotten but for me 30 years later it is one of the scenes I cant get out of my mind. Why did I allow this to continue.Why cant we stop loving them even though we know it is not right

I Have taught yoga for 15 years and thought I could heal his wounds, that if I listened better cooked better, cleaned better, agreed with everything he said maybe then he might stop yelling and abusing!!!!!!!!!!! DOH! ?

I cannot even teach now, .........I have so many friends and students who love me want to see me, but I am so low that I feel I will put them off with my sadness and depression. I am reluctant to take up their offers of coffee and outings but no one really really understands why I am not getting better! I feel I am letting them down because they cannot see any change in me. I feel my sister is confused and losing patience
.................HAS TRIED ALL SHE KNOWS TO UNDERSTAND AND HELP UT FEELS FRUSTRATED BECAUSE SHE CANT GRASP WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, I need to connect with others who have been there and are going through this and have gone through this.

I am praying to find some hope, some salvation, here on this site with others who understand and have empathy, because they too have their stories to share. I am new to this site and I hope to start to regain and build a new life for myself at 58 years of age.. I am hanging on in there..................

Love Light and Namaste to all