20 Years; 1 child; Divorce Pending; A Whole New Ball Game

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#1 Sep 21 - 11PM
LunaRock
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20 Years; 1 child; Divorce Pending; A Whole New Ball Game

Hello, my name is LunaRock. And I am a narc-aholic. Today was my 40th birthday. I spent the morning getting into a screaming match with by STBX about why I didn’t think he should take our 3 year old to meet his new girlfriend/the OW (research shows it’s not a good idea, the professional we saw last Thursday said it could cause personally cause our child damage and damage our child’s relationship with the STBX, and both of our families and many of our friends agree it’s not a good idea.) Blah, blah, blah. He wasn’t hearing it. And, by the way, instead of taking our child to meet the OW next week, he was taking our child to meet her today. So, even though we agreed a couple of days ago that I would meet the OW face to face before that happened, and then we agreed this morning that I would meet her alone since he would be spending the day with our child, the STBX was now giving me only a couple of hours to meet with the OW and him in person, or not at all. At first, I agreed. But, after thinking about it awhile as I tried to get the morning grocery shopping done, I said no. I was not going to give him the opportunity to control the discourse and triangulate us in person. I also was not going to be the reason that he lost out on his visitation time with our child. I called him back and said I wanted to meet with her alone. He wouldn’t allow it; he had a bunch of excuses about why she didn’t want me to see her neighborhood. I said it really doesn’t matter where she lives, because he agreed not to take our child there. Nope, he said, it had to be the three of us. I said no, our voices got higher, then the real ugly narc-button-pusher came out as he said, “no, you aren’t going to have everything you want your way like you always do. Deal with it. You can’t have your way this time.” I ended up shouting at him as I sat in my car in a parking lot of the store. He said, very calmly, “I’m not going to continue this conversation with you.” I said okay. But he continued it anyway, of course. He said this was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it. I said okay. We hung up. I called the OW because I was going to be damned if I didn’t do everything in my power to protect my child – even if it meant talking to a wall.
This was only the second time I have called or spoken with the OW, who is 24 years old. The first time was when I suspected he was seeing her after seeing our cell phone bill and the number of calls/texts to the same number at odd hours of the night and morning, he was still living in my house but he was coming about at 3/4/5 am in the morning, and he was in a good mood one day after coming home from one of his DJ gigs (different from the horrible mood he had been in for several months.) I already knew of her and knew he had been “friends” with her long before that. I guess somehow the planets aligned and she became his new supply that fateful night. The first time I called her, I told her who I was, that I had just filed for divorce one week ago, and that he had a 3 year old child. She said he told her that he was already divorced, but he has such a beautiful soul and he is such a magical person and everything happens for a reason. They were just meant to be. Yeah, that was me 20 years ago when I met him -- except he wasn't almost 40, balding, living at home with his parents, divorcing, and father to a 3 year a child. Yes, he's definitely a catch (if you are needy, co-dependent, and naïve).
Fast forward to this second phone call. I explained that I was calling her because the STBX was insisting on introducing our child to her even against professional recommendations. I told her the story of how hard and long it took for me to become pregnant with our child after he insisted I wait for several years until my fertility was affected by my age. I told her I likely would not be having another child because I let him take half of my life and I might be too old now to have any other children. I told her that our child is precious to me and that was the place I was coming from in trying to protect our child. I told her I know what he does recreationally, what he has done in the past, how far his recreational activities have taken him (at one point a serious illicit substance abuse problem). I told her I wouldn’t assume she was doing the same, but several of my friends sent me a picture he posted on a social media site (I'm not on any of the major social media sites) that he had taken at her home of a table full of drugs and drug paraphernalia. I told her I don’t want our child anywhere near that. Lastly, I told her I couldn’t understand how he would choose to spend half of the one full day he gets with our child with someone else besides our child, he gets (wanted) so little time from the visitation we negotiated. In the end, she repeated herself that he was a good soul, we all wanted peace, she was trying to put herself in my shoes, she prays for me. Blah, blah, blah. I thought I might get through to her, but basically she was going to do what he told her to do just like all good supply does in the beginning. Yes, he entirely is to blame for his part-- not like there will ever be any consequences. But she has a brain and can make decisions for herself that do not have to involve our child. And, she has decided she is going to insert herself into our child's life and psyche so that I get to deal with the aftermath.
I decided to post today, after several months of reading the posts on this website and researching narcissism, because I made the fatal mistake of consciously giving him more supply today. When I first filed for divorce a couple of months ago, I spent weeks worrying (as I had been warned) about him demanding custody or more visitation. That didn’t happen at mediation. He’s too busy with his social life to parent any more than a couple of hours on Tuesdays and Wednesdays (he has already cancelled some of this time), and the full day/night on Sunday. However, what I forgot, once I was relieved and let my guard down, was that there was this chink in my armor, my Achilles heal. He listened intently when I brought up the subject before we decided to separate and he promised he would not bring our child around any significant other until months had passed and it was the right person. He carefully saw it the whole time; how painful it was for me to watch him romance and groom and entice the OW –even sometimes telling me that I must want him back if it hurts me so much. He studied my reaction when he told me he was planning to introduce our child to the OW in the coming weeks. He purposefully put the OW on the telephone during his nightly bedtime conversations with our child, and observed as I did nothing (as there is nothing I can legally do.) He strategically waited, after my cold hard exterior was down from being relieved about the visitation agreement, and I wasn’t as abrupt and blunt in our exchanges. He came in for the kill. He scored big time today. Good for his pitiful, miserable, horrible, terrible self.
Even after 20 years with this person, I guess I just have not learned to play his game well. I learned to withdrawn into myself when he verbally and emotionally attacked, physically protected me and our child when he came into my personal space and threatened with his presence, didn’t bring up touchy subjects when not necessary, walked on egg shells when he went through his numerous bouts of depression/moodiness/rage/etc., went to work as a professional when he would accept only menial jobs, paid the bills he refused to pay, took our child to day care when he claimed his schedule did not permit him to do so, stayed home with our child when our child was sick because he refused to do so but was always able to take days off for music festivals and DJ gigs, did not ask the hard questions or pay the price when I did., etc. etc. etc.
This is a new game. The one where our child is out of my reach, in his grasp, in his custody for a day and a night. Yes, I know it could be worse and I know others have had to deal with much worse. But, I feel the deep pain of being unable to protect this innocent 3 year old child from a person I chose to keep in my life and decided to have a child with. Our child is now cursed with this man for a father. One day our child will be able to make choices for herself about him. Right now, our child is his unwitting pawn. I will see my therapist tomorrow, but presently I feel disgusted and hopeless. I thought I could protect our child. I was wrong.

Sep 22 - 9PM
pumpkinpie
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Welcome to forum and happy

Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
LunaRock
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Thank you for the perspective

Sep 24 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
pumpkinpie
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This sounds so familiar --

Sep 22 - 6PM
thebigpayback
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your husband/S.O. sounds like

Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
LunaRock
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Thanks! I will no longer be

Sep 24 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
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Luna... Just be a great mom.

Sep 22 - 8AM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville,You are

Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
LunaRock
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Thank you for the