2 years later, Im doing better

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#1 Nov 21 - 8PM
ithasaname
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2 years later, Im doing better

Mirror of my soul, coffee in bed almost every morning, marriage proposal within the first weeks, suggestions to sit down and plan a wedding cruise at a restaurant to two days before the wedding, (which most likely I'd cover a good bit of the cost) a kiss on the ear...good night...to awakening the next morning, "We are not getting married. Call the whole thing off. I was just going to marry you to take your house in a year."

It happened so fast, like four years we are a couple with red flags (raging, apology, bad parenting of his teen daughter that made no sense), but flowers on holidays, poems, cds of us together, souvineer jar with sea shells of our time together walking the beach, etc. etc. At first I went to all of his cross country races. Little by little, I did not go at all and was kept at home babysitting his badly behaved teen daughter with oppositional defiant disorder. (He would always say his daughter was in trouble for something. Watch your purse. It was always on the daughter's behavior, I think he did that to deflect from his own). I had never known people like this, but I had worked with sp ed kids, so I thought I could handle it.

He was extremely good looking. He was into taking care of himself....a gym rat. I framed his medals and displayed his awards, not realizing I was supply.

I know it all sounds like, HOw lucky were you to lose him...but I had a struggle for two years. I had someone come home to me every day from work. I had someone to talk to who largely put me on a pedestal, and I was convinced loved me. In one day, that man I had lived with for four years, evaporated into Satan. Where was the man who loved me? I didn't get to have a funeral and bury him. Yet, I mourned, and I obsessed. It was just before the wedding. He'd bought a wedding ring only a few days earlier and his suit. We'd had some wedding photos made in a studio.

He would not go to my favorite beach toward the end. (they shit on whatever you love). He moved to an apartment within view of my favorite spot. Within a few weeks, he was with a woman 12 years younger than I who did not seem like anyone he would be interested in. She had tatto0es. He hated tatto0es. I saw him wearing a gold chain around his neck, which he never wore with me. He agreed, men who wear them look like players. He moved his ex-brother in law in with him, and he said he wanted to cut off from his ex wife's family. He asked her to marry him from the beginning. I tried to talk to her and warn her, but she wouldn't talk to me. He broke it off with her after one year. She was furious, and laid him out on the internet. Every morning that he was living with me, he exercised with this woman in the gym. I am not a morning person, so I went to the Y later in the day. Also, a woman we argued about, that was a running partner within a group, and used to call him he started to date. He said he was not attracted to her and she was only a friend. jerry was always very careful when I was in public to say, Have you met my fiancé? or I wouldn't think of dating someone her age. That is like my niece. I'm sure neither of these ladies knew he was engaged to me.

On occasion, admittedly, I do look at his internet page, not because I care about him, but actually I hope things are going badly for him. He posts photos of himself running, his collection of medals. Recently he just posted a photo of himself with two very young professional football team cheerleaders on each side, who were scantily clad. Wonder how he charmed his way into that? I know he is not dating them, and I kind of took pleasure in thinking no woman is going to like him now.

So, where am I now? I went to counseling, and after about 20 weeks, the counselor told me he was not a narcissist. HE FITS EVERYTHING. I was so let down. I quit. She said being a narcissist was a good thing. Everyone should be a narcissist to a degree. She did buy that he was a sadist and had an immaturity, but not a narcissist. The first counselor I went to told me that she did not even have a background in working with narcissists, and that this was a field most counselors do not understand. This one who said he was not a narcissist had a master of social work in counseling, and although she was very intelligent, I think I know more than she does about narcissists from all the research I've done related to it. I have a MS degree too, although not in this field.

When I went to visit out of state, after two years, I finally sent him a good bye letter, and said every mean thing I wanted to say, but kind of in a manner like he would, and told him I had no need to hear back. Whenever I hear of physical or emotional abuse toward women, I really empathize so much now. I really want to save the next girl, but she wouldn't believe me. His brother is a physically abusive person, as was his father. He always told me that he hates the wife his brother hit, but he is nice to her because she could really get his brother in a lot of trouble. Now the poor woman is his friend on the internet. It's like he has this whole lie going with people, and I know the truth.

I'm still angry and I have a hard time making myself go out. I feel disillusioned about men, and even when I go out sometimes, they validate this. I do push myself to on occasion though because nothing is going to fall from the heavens. We have to make things happen. I would NEVER consider going back to an abuser or a lie. I do get involved with my interests and women friends who are supportive, but I definitely went through a long period of grief, almost like someone losing someone on flight 311 or something.

One thing I have gotten to though which is good: I'm okay on my own. . I'd love to meet someone else and share my life, but I'm a stronger woman for having gone through this, and I will be okay. I will be glad for the day when I can totally pack him and his family up in an imaginary basket and let the hot air balloon take them away from my mind. I'm not there yet. It's hard to imagine someone can bring you coffee each morning and kiss you on the ear, and see you as an old washing machine they have traded in for a newer one on an unexpected day, just like that...and you don't even get the status of a widow, but you feel the same, and you despise the man who surfaced and took his place.

Nov 26 - 3AM
Alzarinsienna
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they are