If only I listened to my gut... and the red flags

Two years ago I separated from my husband of 18 years (a wonderful sweet, kind and thoughtful man) who I fell out of love with (the romance and physical part was gone, but we still cared about each other and wanted the best for each other as well as our lovely 16 year old daughter. I began dating and thought I found the perfect man on Match.com. He wrote that he was looking to meet an adventurous, intelligent woman to share travel, dinners, the outdoors etc. He even listed his profession of law and he was a senior partner at a large firm. He sounded perfect "on paper". We emailed and met for coffeeand a hike a week later. He was tall fit and ok for a 59 year old guy. We had Lunch and several dinners at swanky restaurants with lively conversation of travel to exotic places and I was giddy with my lucky good fortune. He was smitten with me and that I had a career, I lived over seas a few times and was very physically fit. We talked about hiking in the Alps, and South America, skiing etc. All was perfect...till it wasn't

He was often 15-30 minutes late. I asked if he could send me a quick text to let me know so I didn't sit around and wait. He let me know how busy he was and every15 minutes of his day were marked out and accounted for. He did not want to be told what to do. One time after waiting in my car for 30 minutes, I just sent him a text and told him I was tired of waiting. He said he saw me drive away and threw a fit. The anger of the aftermath was scary. A week later we had plans to finally go away for the 3 day Labor Day Weekend. I arranged for my daughter to be with her dad. On Saturday morning when I inquired where we were going he said that he was too busy to get away. I told him I was disapointed as I was so excited that we finally were getting out of town together and that I made arrangements for daughter. He raged and told me to figure it out. This was two months in.

In the early seduction phase he told me he had an upcoming two month sabbatical. We talked about an exotic trip for at least a month of it. I asked several times about dates as I have a small company and needed to make arrangements to be away as well as parental responsibilities. He is such a power lawyer (actually he is, and that is where he gets his strokes). Well the sabbatical didn't happen in 2012, but he said we'd go skiing over Xmas as he'd get time away. We were at the ski shop picking up my skis and I asked where we were going. He said we'd have to ski locally for a few days as he was too busy to get away. I started crying in the shop. He got so mad at me he stomped out of the store. He pulled a worse one on me the month earlier over Thanksgiving. We would have been dating 5 months by then and I met his mom and sisters a few times. The weekend before TG we had dinner with them and discussed what I could bring to TG. I spent two days baking several types of cookies. On Wednesday morning at our usual coffee shop I asked him how many people would be at TG Dinner so I knew how many to bring. He said "I'm not comfortable bringing you as his ex wife (divorced for 11 years) would thow a hissyfit. She had done so once before when he brought a date to a family function. I thought he was joking. Power Man was afraid of his ex... There had to be some other explanation. I was devastated as I would be all alone for the holiday. It should have been the end... But I persisted in the delusion that he was still the man of my dreams.

There are so many instances of him disapointing and letting me down. i don't ever remember him showing empathy.. House fire, death of my father, canceling at last minute... Never.

After the Xmas debacle which was of course my fault as he was so busy and important. He stressed to me that he was SPONTANEOUS, and when he could get away it would be a last minute thing and he'd show up with tickets. (I'm still waiting). While he was in Asia with his son in January I stopped by to pick up my things as I still had a key to his house. I found another's womans sweater on the chair next to the bed. I went cold, then hot, the adrenaline flushed through me. I wrote him and told him what a lousy sack of shit he was. That his word was shit and had no value. A few weeks laterI saw him in town and he actually took off to avoid me. Not so fast! I went after him and asked why he felt the need to cheat, with how busy he was and all. He SWORE, he didn't know who the sweater belonged to, he had a house sitter at some point.... That was two years ago. Since then he hovered, he'd write and show up and want to dine (and ...you know, hold or screw me...) hear about what mountain I climbed, what I was up to etc. He'd Make it a point to tell me he'd been with no one. I told him I dated but wasn't serious with anyone. He told me he was not capable of a real relationship and he needed another year or two to work really hard and then he could retire (the fantasy of building a home in the mountains together) ahhhh.

This past spring I told him I was going to hike and climb in Switzerland for a few weeks. He asked if he could join me at the end and we could go the Dolomites and hike for another week. I fell for it, at least I though he might actually show up. We texted everyday, I sent him photos and regaled him with my stories, like a dolt looking for his approval and even impress him. Haha. He told me he was really busy with a big deal, and perhaps as I would be so tired from my adventure that we could put it off for just a month till early September and instead do something even more adventurous, and hike the north of Sweden to the North Pole. Hook line and sinker, I fell for it. When I got home from my trip, I saw him a few times and thought he really did want to be with me. He had meetings in NYC in early September and I would meet him in NYC. As he was generous and had the deeper pockets he'd pay for everything as his last minute and SPONTANEOUS schedule made everything cost more. We were together the night before he left, had breakfast and kissed goodbye. In a week we'd finall get away together after 2 years. Later that day I sent him a sweet note and a copy of my passport. Several days went by and I heard nothing I texted a few times reminding him I had a business to run and needed to make arrangements to get away. Two days before we were to go to Sweden, he said he couldn't make it. I told him that was the litmus test and he flunked. He told me I was too aggressive and if I would only be patient... WTF? On New Years Day he sent me a text wishing me a HNY. Hoped I was well with 3 photos of powder ski tracks. Did I say WTF?

I do understand he is incapable of having a relationship, I have no desire to contact him or respond to him. My problem is I still think about the magical first two months and forget it wasn't real. How do I stop my brain from thinking about him? Mostly I'm angry, mostly at myself. I get occasional pangs of delusion that someday he will be normal.... Am I too sick??

Thanks for reading about my pathetic romance. Any thoughts welcome.