Claudia's story

I will start by saying that somehow I can't believe I am writing a story about what I thought it was the love of my life and it turned out to be the biggest betrayal of my life. My 3 years relationship ended abruptly on Dec 31, 2014. I was on a business trip and he called me to say out of the blue he doesn't have faith in the relationship anymore, is taking a job in the Bahamas and will be moving out the next day. We had been leaving together for almost 3 years,. He was the person I shared my life, my dreams , my fears, happy moments, sad ones, everything. We had made plans to grow old together and suddenly I am not part of his plans. It's just him.............as simple as that. I thought I was living a nightmare , still feels like that to a certain extent. Begged him to reconsider, tried to figure out what was wrong. I was simply talking to a wall. We were on skype and I could see his face , emotionless, his eyes empty. He couldn't care less that I was in a middle of an important work project and my mind won't function anymore.......it's not as bad as you say, you'll figured that out. Or that I was in excruciating pain ..........go and see a doctor.

I met him three years ago on an island . We got paired up for a scuba diving trip. We started to talk and felt a very strong connection. We talked for hours. First kiss on the beach, under the stars , with the sound of the waves as a background. We were leaving in two different states so for the next 4 months he would come visit, or we would be talking on the phone every day for hours.We had so much in common : love for nature and outdoor activities, healthy life style.We talked about our lives : marriages, his children, families. He moved in with me. I was very anxious at the beginning, had been married before, but had no one else leaving with me after that. No memories of another person in the house. But with him it felt just right . He is a boat captain , sailing boats, for a while he didn't take any trips so we could spend as much time together as possible. It was great having someone waiting for me at home in the evening, we would cook dinner together, having a glass of wine, going to to my favorite places, finding new ones. Long walks in the woods, watching movies on sunday afternoon. We went on trips together ; skiing, sailing, Europe.
Driving me to the bus station in the morning, stopping at the local coffee shop on the way there, having the same drink. Tex ting during the day : kisses, hugs, miss you, love you. Picking me up in the evening.
I had never been happier in my life. So different from my marriage . I had dated a few people after my divorce, but nothing special, nowhere near him
Early red flags :1. he announced me he is moving with me ( we had talked about a long distance relationship not working, but from there he jumped to I am moving here )2. big discussion regarding sharing of the house expenses. Made me feel very uncomfortable.He couldn't comprehend the idea, although while he was married, he did share expenses with his ex wife. Finally we had an agreement and I tried to erase the unpleasant feeling. 3.every time I would try to discussion a disagreement with him, he would call it a "heavy discussion ", he made it sound like it was the end of the world, that all is wrong about our relationship. I started to feel more and more uncomfortable about bringing up anything.
During Sandy storm he left in a hurry to go on a sailing trip and left me to go through the storm by myself. I was devastated. Didn't want to talk to him and he was frantically calling me, apologized, etc etc etc. I thought he cares somehow and it was a bad judgment moment. Of course he cares, he tells me how much he loves me , right ?
A year into our relationship he buys a boat. Only told me when he had already made up his mind.I felt like someone hit me in my head : how come we have't discussed it before ???? He has always told me how happy he is because communication between us it's so easy and we are so connected. So different from his ex- wife.After the initial shock, I tried to make sense and see how the boat is going to impact our lives together : its for both of us baby he said, our second home, I want to do a few charter trips and be away just a few weeks a year, but besides that we can enjoy it together. I bought the story. After all, I always wanted to learn sailing . But we were leaving on the east coast and his plans were in the Bahamas. How is it going to work ????? Lies after lies after lies. Just a few weeks a year he said .Gradually he started to spend more and more time down there, not because he had any trips to do, he was just enjoying leaving there. I missed him so much, our time together. Couldn't understand how can he say he misses me and still be away for such a long time. All by his choice. He said he needs his time alone for his sanity, he needs to be around boats and water. I loved him and of course I supported him. I thought loving someone means supporting eachother. And I was home alone, week after week. We were still talking in the evening and the connection was still there. I was hoping he will miss me and come home. And than he would. And we seemed to pick up the things from where we left it. But it was not the same, he seem more distant. I was keep lowering my expectations. Still believed he was "the one ". It took so long to meet him. I will make it work somehow. I didn't want to be alone again.My family is in Europe, so I became close to his family. I didn't want to loose that either
I guess it was easier to maintain the fantasy of the great relationship because we were apart.Sometimes we wouldnt see each other for 2 months and than had a week together. He tried to convince me it was enough and I knew it wrong. Than he was complaining about the missing connection, but without doing anything.
The issue about "heavy discussions " became bigger and bigger, because it would spoil our limited time together if I had brought anything up. He would become quiet and distant for hours or days and it broke my heart. If I would cry he would just look at me , stone face and empty eyes. I was dying on the inside. But I didn't want to give up. I still had something with him, better than nothing. It's never easy in relationships. I didn't want to be lonely and unhappy. Sometime I could feel like he hates me, there was anger I could feel and had no idea what I had done. Tried to ask, and he wouldn't say anything. He was quiet, passive aggressive sometimes. I tried to ignore it, but it was like a dark cloud following him.
Eventually we started to talk about relocating to the Bahamas, started to look at places, house, business etc. OK , future seemed brighter. I wanted a change in the life style. Maybe he will be again the person I met at the beginning, we would spend more time together and that would fix the issues.
Another year goes buy, more plans . same lines : love you, feel incomplete with out you, lets move there, I found a place, a business etc. This move became my dream, my escape as well. A part of me didn't buy it, but I was hoping : he says all these things, how can it not be true.
End of last year : Thanksgiving together, Christmas together in his mom house . I was working on a project abroad , he joined me there for a few days, after Thanksgiving. It seemed ok and also it didn't . But by now I had no idea what reality was any longer, I had pushed everything deep down and ignored my feelings so I could be around him. The Christmas week, when I was home he was awfully quiet and so distant. Tried desperately to talk to him and he would simply say he didn't like the holidays. I knew that's not true. it must be something else, but had no way to figured it out. So, I headed back to work on December 28 and on December 31st I received his call. I booked a ticket to come home the next day, hoping we can talk. He said I wish you hadn't done that, I am moving out tomorrow. That night was a nightmare, I was in shock. Could hear people outside partying and I was laying in bed. I had an out of body experience. My body was there but somehow I was looking at myself from outside.
Next day I was home and the pain I felt getting into the house was unbearable. Empty spots everywhere. He had taken everything he wanted , his stuff and left behind the unwanted ones. I don't wish that kind on pain on anyone. The next couple of days, I managed to get rid of everything visual that reminded me of him. But memories were everywhere : could see his face, hear his voice .We had cooked before I left and eat from the same plate. My house was not my safe place anymore, was a place of mental torture. Had to go back to work and that somehow helped. At least I wasn't there. By I have anxiety attacks, wake up in the middle of the night sweating and crying. Hard to concentrate during the day, want to run away but there is no place to run away from your mind. My body is in pain. My heart as well.

I found this website a couple of weeks ago. Bought Lisa's book, joined Goldie's support group. It helps tremendously but I am still in pain, I feel scared of tomorrow, of the future. Feel like I am loosing my mind sometimes. Feel defeated. Everyday is different. Sometimes it's a bit better. Sometimes more memories and more pain.