Why didn't I listen to my gut??

I just read Paths Forward because I have been so desperate for relief. As I have researched I am shocked and am in disbelief thinking maybe I am crazy and maybe I am thinking too much?? Knowing that is part of the process, etc. We met a year and half ago at a personal development seminar end of June. I did not notice him throughout the seminar, the last evening he was laying under the stars and I went over to talk to him. We ended up laying under the stars until 2am in the morning - we laughed, we had tears, we shared, etc. He was married so I felt closed, however also felt comfortable. I remember him saying, as if it was yesterday "What we are doing is in full integrity." Mistake #1. Who says that? I know it is in integrity, "we are just talking" was the thought that went thru my head. The next morning we are walking over to class and he handed me his business card. We rode back to the city on a bus with 60 other participants and the 2 1/2 ride back we all shared about our 7 day experience, tears of joy, sadness that is was over, and confusion of having to go back to our lives - we all bonded a lot during those 7 days. I felt connected to him, pushig those thoughts away knowing he was married.

A few weeks later we connected via phone, he talked about coming home and his wife "pulling the rug out" from his high of the seminar, etc. He talked about how she didn't undertand, how she was selfish, etc. I kept assuring him that it would be ok, that he needed to focus on what he could add to the relationship - to turn over every rock to make it work. He came to town on business and we met and had a few drinks, as friends, nothing more. A few weeks later he text me as I laid in bed and said, "Hi. I am thinking about you. What are you doing?" I gave short answers back knowing he meant more than just friends. Mistake #2 He is married.

As time went on we talked a lot more, of course he could only talk while she wasn't around - parking down the street, etc. He came to town more, we eventually after about 2 months spent the night together, nothing intimate. We met out of town and eventually kissed for the first time. Actually now that I think about it, it was only 6 weeks after we first met - it seemed so much longer. Ugghhhh. At that point he told me he is going to talk to his wife because he wanted a divorce and he loved me. We connected on all levels like he had never before with anyone. The weekend after we were together, I tried to call him several times. His phone was shut off. I eventually get ahold of him and he told me they went out of town to talk about everything and they got in a huge fight. He was so close to asking for a divorce but wasn't sure. He told me they slept together. I felt betrayed. Why would he be so intimate, share so much if he wasn't sure?? Weeks went by and we picked up where we left off, phone calls, visits, etc. Labor Day weekend he told me he told her he wanted a divorce. He was very scared. He said it took everything out of him to ask because they had been married 11 years and he was very unhappy. She begged, pleaded, and tried everything she could to make him change his mind. He said his mind was made up and it was a long time coming, he basically stopped talking to her about it. They lived in seperate rooms, so he said. We talked about what the next step was, filing,etc. He kept putting off the conversation, over and over. Finally two months later, they agreed to have a disolutionment and file papers with the court. Another month went by and he kept having excuses after excuses why it wasn't done. One day at the beginning of November I had friends in town and we went out. He text me and said he would call me soon. I never heard from him. I called him all night, text him, etc. I was worried sick. I finally get ahold of him and he said he went to happy hour with co-workers and lost his phone, later he admitted that he got too drunk and stayed at a co-workers house because he could not drive home. She was a married co-worker so it was nothing to worry about. Mistake #3 Unresponsible.

He finally moved out at the end of Nov. and rented a place from his aunt. He moved out while she was at work, she came home to his stuff gone and some of their shared stuff gone - no conversation, etc. Mistake #4 Cowardly. I met his family at Thanksgiving, he has 2 boys from a first marriage, and he met my family at Christmas. At the beginning of Dec I had to put my dog of 12 years down, it was a horrible time. I talked to him, he was out of town on busines. He was going to meet up with friends for dinner and a drink. We talked before he went to dinner and he was going to call me after dinner to see how I was feeling. At 11pm I called him and text him several times. Finally, two hours later he calls me and was mad that I called that many times. He stayed and had a few drinks with a female friend, I was so mad. He ended up turning it around on me, that I was wrong for calling, etc. He admitted that he saw me calling and just ignored me. I was so hurt. He apologized via text. Mistake #5 No emphathy and manipulative. At Christmas we got into a huge argument because they still had not filed for divorce, he said she didn't give him the paperwork and they also were going to wait so they could file taxes together. (this was excuse #5). New Year came around, he decided to move to be closer to me and he got a promotion from work. He told everyone that it was his promotion. In my mind I was ok with it because he hadn't filed for divorce yet. He committed to me before he moved in April that he would have all the papwerwork filed. He moved hear, no filing and had more excuses. We did not move into together because I did not feel right living with a married man that still had not filed paperwork. We continued to argue about his lack of integrity, that he paid all her bills - basically she depended on him. I asked how often they talk/text, he lied said almost never. I found out it was every other day. I caught him in a lie he could not get out of, he cried and said he knows he lies all the time and that he is manipulative - he would work on it. Mistake #6 Liar with no recovery.

Months went by, I bought a new home. He tried to control me on what I should buy because he said for our future it was what "we both wanted". We talked about marriage, however no real plans because the guy was still married. One night we are eating dinner at my house and someone knocks on the door, it was someone serving him divorce papers at MY home. She researched and found my new home and had them delivered there. He did not accept them as he did not live there. I was so hurt that now I was being brought into the game. She finally filled because he didn't have the balls to do it. I discovered that they are $350,000 in debt for back taxes of two businesses they own. She was awareded $2,300 in temp alimony, paying all her legal fees of $5K and the date was set. He made her do all the work to the get ball rolling. Mistake #7 Words did not meet action. Later in the summer, he broke up with me because he was hanging out with friends, partying all the time and spending more time with them and he needed "space and time". I chased him because I felt so desperate, all this time I waited and was here and he just kicks me to the curb. I found out I was pregnant, we met to find out what we were going to do. I didn't want to get back with him because of the "list"in my mind of how wrong he was for me. We decided to do what is right for the baby and be co-parents. He had a huge event with graduation, etc. and he didn't invite me or want me to be there. He wanted only his friends there - who am I?? I found out he was sleeping with one of "the friends". The stress and my state of mind, I miscarried the baby. While I was in ER on a Saturday I called him and told him what was going on, text him several times that I needed him because I was alone. He left a message on my phone while I was talking to the doctor and said, "I am with my friends, we are going out and I do not need your drama right now". I called him back and left several messages. He text me and said he was goig to shut his phone off. I was devistated. The next day he calls me and I begg him to come over, he was going to take a nap and not sure if he was going to come over. WTF! Mistake #8 Insensitive Asshole. I listend to his excuses and forgave him. At Christmas we got back together, slept together and told me the other women was just sex, we werent' together so it shouldnt' matter. Also during that time he met a friend in CA and took her out, he said they only kissed. While we were laying in bed he said, "I have been focusing on all the reasons why we shoundn't be together verses why we should." We decided to work it out. He still needed space and time. He told me that in between dates he didn't want any contact, he needed to work on his life, etc. and if I couldn't give that to him then it was off forever. I felt so degraded, demeaned, devalued, however I couldn't cut it off and he knew it. I chased and made myself crazy.

I planned a trip to Hawaii by myself while we were not together. He decided to tag along. He was out of town visiting his boys and wouldnt' call me back or text - he said, "I need space and time". I wanted to talk about our Hawaii trip since it was going to be in a couple days. He then went to CA for a business trip and he was going to take his "friend" to dinner the next night. He posted a post on FB about the weather in OH and I posted how great the weather was gong to be in Hawaii for us and I was excited, he deleted my post. I was so angry, I called him over and over. He answered and said I was crazy and why would I post that. He said he deleted because he didnt' want his co-workers to know. I was so angry because I knew he was a liar. He hung up on me and broke it off AGAIN via text. Mistake #9 Caught Again. He wouldn't call me, text me, blocked my phone. Went to Hawaii, stayed in the same hotel and was in denial. I moved to a different hotel so he punished me by not talking to me.

He went back to CA early to meet up with her (now two weeks ago) and I saw a FB post on his timeline that she posted with a picture of him and her son saying, "The best two weeks ever!" with a heart. So now he is dating her. No communication with me. He told me to never call him again, not to e-mail him or have any contact. He has made it look like I DID something wrong. What I did wrong was chase, begg, humiliate myself, and degrad me.

Today I sit in pain and think about him and his new girlfriend, knowing that he will do the same to her. That he is a very sick man. At this point I feel sorry for her son. She is a vulnerable mom and does not know what hit her. Obviously this been going on for some time and she is smitten. I am angry with him and I want revenge, however I know it will not change who he is. Next for me is No Contact and to never ever have this man in my life again. The healing process is painful, however I am ready and relieved it is finally over. Writing all this out has helped me to realize, I am NOT crazy, he is sick!!! He will get it coming to him soon!!!