Finally some mental relief......

Will try and be succinct..18 mos ago met him on dating site..he pursued me..we met, had a lot in common, hit it off well, shared interests, occupation etc..looking back -he came on strong-get your passport so we can travel etc. At the same time I notice an indifference toward me..and after reading Lisa's book in its entirety last nite- it makes more sense now! Sucks but makes sense. 4 weeks in-he drops a bomb on me..he's bipolar--i'm ok w that..but I asked him why he even told me since he seemed indifferent/disinterested in me. He never asked about me, my day etc. Never said you look nice--nothing!! Now I may seem needy based on that but I am so independant, self-contained and yet a true empath!!! so I guess I was a perfect mark for a narc!! He finally says--yes--not that into me..we talk, we drift apart-I'm sad but do not contact him etc. He shows back up ~ 3weeks later..I think he's had a change of heart..3 more months of great times--games, going out all the good stuff. Again, he drifts, I inquire--tells me that he doesn't love me--he would know by now and he needs a huge tremendous attraction on every level. He claims to have only loved 1 woman in his life-exwife-and is basically looking for bombs bursting in air! Again we part, I'm sad...3 weeks later-he's back..and proud to say NOT having contacted him at all. We resume for about 8 months. I again am seeing indifference, tells me I am not affectionate-I say I do not know where I stand w you and its too hard to risk rejection..I am always responsive but insecure about him. Hence--all the buzz word's in Lisa's book are jumping out at me--hot/cold, fickle, up/down, mixed signals, quick to anger, calls me 'difficult'--I think its all bipolar stuff but now I am thinking different. We have a horrible fight where I basically sum up our relationship as follows--If I showed up w a cast on my arm, I doubt you would even notice!!! I the meantime, I am taking care of his depression, his needs and being a good friend. Whenever, I call him out on anything he gets very angry and defensive saying that I just want to marry him and he doesn't feel the same and then portrays me as the angry one. For example-if he wants to get tickets and go to the game it's fine. If I suggest same, I am trying to pick out china w him...

He sends me a text and breaks it off w me. Two months go by ( I never respond to text) and he gets back in contact w me. I fall into it again but I am much more wary..starts off w all these plans for us to do,,nothing materializes. We last about 3 months-I tell him I realize its over-virtually no calls from him etc. He tries to call, I tell him to sad to talk, he persists- 11 calls in 13 days. I finally take one and all he does is talk about himself. I ask him what he wants from me and he says NOTHING!!! Really-nothing-well he offers me a friends w benifits arrangement which I decline. He then says I am self centered and angry because we aren't on same page in relationship.He seems to love reminding me that I am not 'the one' for him.I say-I'm not angry or even hurt..just done w emotional rollercoaster..he says ok good.

No contact in 3 weeks which is good. I feel like I kind of disarmed him to some degree. He is cruel. Ive had relationships end before but never witnessed someone who likes to repeatedly put me in my place..I get it-Im not dumb so WHY keep inflicting hurt on someone else. If you don't want to be w me fine, I get it.

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading and letting me rant.

Any insight is welcome!