A small part of my story... 1.5 years, same place.. :(

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#1 Mar 13 - 6PM
AlwaysSummer
AlwaysSummer's picture

A small part of my story... 1.5 years, same place.. :(

Today marks the 1 and half year date from when I decided to move out.... I am on this site and reading everything about Narcs and it fits him to a T in so many ways.. why am I having such a hard time believing that he is one... and that the love and passion I feel for him, well I was in love with an illusion. I choose to move out because I could not take the "feeling of failure" anymore. I always felt like I was never good enough, he would constantly pick fights with me, the real deal breaker was the 2nd wedding I had to attend alone... he picked a fight with me the day before over a song... and it turned into "you dont care about anything that is important to me, why do I always have to tell you something is important to get you to be able to listen" I tried to come back and get him to come to the wedding with me the next day.. but all he said was "you're *** crazy if you think I'm going anywhere with you" We lived together, so I think he thought that I would never really leave.. but I knew at that point I had to do something drastic... and I did... I didn't come home after the wedding, I stayed at my brothers and then rented a small bedroom in a house... I didn't hear from him for 4 days... until I got a text ... "did you pay the rent" ... that was it... I finally broke and went back that Monday to talk and all he wanted from me was an apology for upsetting him and for me to recognize that the reason he didn't go to the wedding was because I had made him mad... I gave in.. like I always do, I said I was sorry... I wanted us to work... it was good for 3 days.. before he picked another fight with me bc I didn't ask him if it was OK my parents came to visit me on my birthday... he said I should have checked in with him, what if he had made plans.. we got in a huge fight and he said if you walk out of this house tonight, don't come back. I knew the next day I had to leave... I could not take it anymore, I was never going to make this man happy... I told him I was leaving and I would get my stuff... sadly.. I did this via e-mail... his only response was I can't believe you are abandoning me & I'll be gone tomorrow for you to get your stuff.. I did... he did not try and stop me...

After I moved out.. I was NC for like 2 weeks and then I caved... I started talking to him, I thought I had made a mistake.. maybe if I just understood him, maybe if I tried harder.. and for the last year and half I have been trying to get him back, trying to get him to give us another chance, but he hasn't.. he's only given me just enough to keep me hooked... give me a few months of maybe.. then saying "you left me.. you did this, you are the one who walked out of this relationship" I would beg and plead and I sometimes can't even believe my actions... he would keep coming back and leaving, spending time with me and then dropping me like a bad habit.. This Sept, he did it again dropped me for 2 weeks.. and then on my bday reached out.. and the semi-contact hanging out again started, I thought we were on the road to maybe making it work... but then he would flip the switch and say he could never forgive me for leaving.. then one day in Nov he came to me.. he spent 6 days with me.. then said he needed to think and then came to me and said he was seeing someone and he wanted to move on.. I was so taken back... WTF! I was after that NC for about 2 months... then I reached out... like an idiot.. I couldn't shake him... and I thought that when he responded, well maybe we were going to reconcile, I think I am in denial to who he really is at the core... well, after spending time this spring together, he is apparently still talk to this OW... & he cant "choose" .. I still am and I know I need to shake this, so desperate to make this work.. that I have been allowing this back and forth to happen... and I hate that I am upset with her, is she getting a better version of him.. why do these thoughts cross my mind... he got angry with me again on Monday .. & I know he has spend the last 2 nights with the OW, saying.. that he "cant cut her off" I know that I deserve someone who wants me full time.. and I know NC is the way to go... how do you break that cycle in your mind that still sees the fantasy...

Why does he keep telling me "just go" "live your life, you deserve better" ... I just feel like I am spinning in circles.. on a positive, I did set up a therapy appointment.. hopefully that will help me..

Sorry it's so long, thank you for listening and reading..

- AlwaysSummer (just trying to find that peace again)

Mar 24 - 9AM
inlovewithanarc
inlovewithanarc's picture

Same...

Mar 19 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville,Finding