"the biggest blindside in survivor history"

(I wrote this last night.)

Gulp of red wine. Here goes. Where do I even start?!?

I'm a survivor. I still have everything that is still near and dear to me. I sure don't feel like much of a survivor lately. Today is a tough day for me.

I'm six months out of my 7 year toxic narcisisstic relationship. I was supposed to be feeling better and stronger by now. Spring is here and I'm supposed to be happier now. What a bunch of hooey. I want to go back to before I understood what narcisissim actually means. Ignorance is bliss, right? The pain is so unbearable sometimes that my heart physically hurts. I'm still mad at myself for falling for all the lies hook, line, and sinker. Thank God we didn't have children together. I saw how he treated his own son. That should have been a big red flag for me. And it was. For a long time. Until my heart got involved.

Once he knew he had my heart, the gaslighting started. Damn that British charm. He had me fooled, my family fooled, my friends fooled. He even fooled his own friends. That's what they do. They are jokers. Then one day, he got very angry at me because his lunchtime sandwich had too many calories and said I was just trying to get him fat so he would stay with me. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. From there, the insults were plenty and steady. I was on a visit down in Florida and I couldn't wait for airport time! I just wanted to get out of there.

He had moved to Florida over the summer of 2014. The plan was for us to be together, I would visit him as often as I could while my daughter finished her senior year in high school, then next fall, I would move down to Florida with him. He moved first week of August. He stopped talking to me first week of October. We had seen each other quite often during those 2 months. He visited here mid-Aug. Three weeks later in September, we spent his birthday on Bourbon St. All was relatively good. But I sensed something was off.

Two weeks after that, end of Sept - beginning of Oct, I went to visit him in Florida for the first time since he had moved. That was the day the sandwich angered him so much that he decided he couldn't speak to me for 7 weeks. He had sent me a text that he needed to "think about the relationship". Seven full weeks of silence!! I couldn't believe it. He had never gone that long without talking to me in 7 years! The only reason he contacted me in November, right before Thanksgiving, was because he accidentally butt dialed me and I called back. I had to leave a vm and he returned my call from that. He told me he couldn't be with me anymore because my teeth were too yellow, I didn't used the correct equipment at the gym, and I smoke too much. Mind that, I only smoke when I'm with him because he wants to smoke and needs a "buddy". Of course, he never paid for a single cigarette. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't (still can't) believe that after the fantastic year we had, traveling the world, having fun, laughing, and the outstanding sessions in the sack, he would just drop me from that high up. I'm shattered beyond repair. I look back now and I see all the classic narcissistic signs. And this had been his plan all along. I should have seen it coming. Again, ignorant bliss.

All the red flags were there. I know I escaped a life of hell but that doesn't mean I don't miss the good times. He was my friend first, for many years. Best friend even. He stood by me during my brother's suicide, my teens acting out, and my problems with my kid's dad. I even dated other men during our period of friendship. After five years of friendship, things changed and we began a relationship.

At first it was a bit tulmultuous. He would say something downright mean. I would get upset and I would stop initiating contact with him for a month here and a month there but he would always contact me. He really hurt me on my 40th birthday and we didn't speak for 3 months after that. I did initiate contact to update him on some family news. Well, that was my excuse anyway. The next day, I showed up, out of the blue to his home, in the dress that he bought me for my birthday, and we were together almost every weekend after that.

This time turned out to different. I thought that the time apart had done us some good and that he realized that we had very strong feelings for each other. Every day the relationship was getting better and better. I couldn't believe it! I had to pinch myself to make sure it was really happening. The relationship was hot and intense, it was passionate, it was fiery, it was electric, it was fun. We would belly laugh all the time. We would just have the best time together. This lasted until right after he moved. Nine beautiful months of happy!

There was actually so much that happened during the relationship that all should have been red flags. But I was in ignorant bliss. I didn't want to see the lies. I only wanted to feel the happy and I was happiest when I was with him. I couldn't believe I had found my soul mate! I felt like he understood me better than anyone. And know me, he did. He exploited every part of that knowledge. When he dropped me, I felt like he had raped me of my time, robbed me of my dignity, and pillaged me of all my resources. In the end, I felt used up and discarded, left to rot. That's when I came across a narcissism posting that caught my attention.

It all started to make sense. He is a classic narcissist. Text book case really. He decided to visit me in December right before Christmas. My head was screaming not to go meet him, but my heart won. I had to see him one last time. Confront him face to face. He had lied to me about everything. If he said one thing, then I knew the opposite was true. I know him better than he thinks I do. Of course he insisted on sex. I should have gotten an Oscar for my performance! It was send-off sex. I let him have his fill. It was the last time. Ever. It was my way of having a little control over the ending.Better to leave a good memory in his mind, than a bad one. I didn't want anything thing to come back at me.

He called me on Christmas eve. We talked for about an hour. Then he texted me a Happy New Year. A couple weeks later, the last time we spoke, Jan 14, 2015, he told him he was seeing someone from online dating (in fact, he was with her on New Year's Eve) and that he would talk to me "down the road". Since that time, he has been subtly contacting me via Facebook. Liking a status or a pic here and there. Even sharing some of my posts.

Last night, March 25, he took it a step further. Out of the blue, he contacted a mutual friend, that he knows speaks to me occasionally, to share with her about his throat or neck surgery the next day. She wasn't sure which it was. He gets his medical jargon all mixed up. He specifically asked her to call him the next day to make sure he is okay. Although, he asked that she not share this information with me, he did ask about me, asked if I had moved on. He also said he was seeing someone and was trying to make a go of it, but thinks of me often. She told him that moving on isn't my priority right now. He thinks I should have by now. Believe me, I've tried! I went online myself. Tried to meet with someone but in the end cancelled out. I've been asked out a couple other times and I just can't do it. Why is this break up so hard for me?

I know what he is doing. I know he is just keeping the supply line open. I'm sure he'll marry her or something. Just to lock the door. He knows that will hurt me more than anything else he could do to me. I gave him my everything. It wasn't good enough. It never was. I know that now. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm having more better days in a row now but I'm still deeply smad (sad & mad). It's tough to get out of smad. Now that I know what he is, I know we can never have that "honeymoon" phase back. He will always be emotionally unavailable. He is incapable of any kind of empathy. And I can't fall victim again. One day, he will call me again. I wonder if I'll have enough strength by then to let the call go to voicemail.

I hope, with the help of this community, I can find myself once again. I've wanted to call or text him to ask if he was alright all day today. But I know I can't. It's driving me crazy. I just want to understand all of this narcissistic stuff! I just glad this community is anonymous because I just can't share this pain with my friends and family any more. I dont feel like they understand what I'm going through. My heart is raw today and I needed to get this out of my head. Thanks for reading. Cheers xxx

Update: In the end, he didn't need surgery. She asked him why he just didn't call me himself. He said if it was important, then he would call me. Oh really?!?!?! Pulllleeeezzze. He just used her to get info on me. Whatever. I haven't changed any of my electronic communications. I have nothing to hide. He can see whatever and has the ability to get a hold of me if he wants to. But I will not initiate contact. This way he doesn't have to be all sneaky. But what kind of N would he be if he wasn't going about things in a sneaky fashion anyway, huh? He just reminded me of how raw my emotions still are. Dirty bugger.