A few questions i could do with answering

Hello friends.. ive posted here before and got the support i very much needed... but i have to say i feel so stupid and embarrassed that im actually having to ask questions to justify how im feeling.
So here goes...
So i ended up back with him obviously... im not going to go into ANY excuses... theres only myself to blame and ive had enough warnings.. i did however stupidly think last time when i went back that he WAS going to be okay and that i could cope if anything kicked off again... i have to give myself a massive pat on the back because i AM SO MUCH stronger this time and i have managed to cope with a lot of stuff thats happened... but for some reason... all of a sudden i cant cope at all again.. you know how it goes.... that awful feeling of dread every morning... that sinking heavy feeling... wanting to sleep all the time... feeling sick.. feeling dead...headaches...having problems going out... hiding away from people... and just knowing that the situation is dire... i promised myself that if i did go back that i would never let myself feel as ill and as ' heavy' and weighted down and stressed as i do right now... but i really do and im so annoyed at myself.
When i first went back just before christmas last year ... things were okay.. everything seemed to be on my terms.. as though he was scared of making a wrong move...
There were a few things he said that made me think oh my god... like a few days he went through the trying to control me stage... i quickly put a stop to that... he wasnt pleased and there was a couple of days of awkwardness but it soon passed.
And to be honest... other than the odd " you need to listen to me " , or , " if id read this properley in the first place "... etc... " i need to learn "..... ( i hate that one )....
But now all of a sudden he seems to have turned the volume up with a bang...
Its " i need to go as im told "... " you can if i let you "... i can only use OUR car now if i put petrol / gas in ...if i go out i have to be back to make his meal at 5... if not and he makes it he says its okay but i sit waiting for an explosion for days which usually comes...
If i dare ask to do something totally out of character i get belittled for it... our daughter wants me to go on holiday with her next year and because its somewhere where ive not been before he wants to know why.. and why wasnt he invited... and whos going to pay for it?... i told him im saving up the money myself but he laughed at that...
Then there is the lack of connection / intimacy / sex... i may as well be revirginised... or become a nun.... hes just not interested and beleive me ive tried everything known to man.,..
i mention it and he laughs and says,.... youre going to have to jump on me !!
why doesnt he just have the balls to tell me he doesnt find me attractive anymore... !!
I want to decorate our kitchen but he wont let me... and those are the
actual words he used...
we are due to have the kitchen redone completeley in about a year and he said its not worth it... to me it is..

I sit here thinking... what the hell have i done... am i that retarded and stupid to THINK it would be any different.... i dont know if the people who helped me will help me again.. ( i went into shelter )..
i ended up being extremley depressed last time and went into shelter because he attacked me at our local shop for not doing as i was told etc....
so im bothered that because he hasnt ' done ' anything .,.. they wont help me again...

one of the MAIN reason i did come back is for my lovely house... and my family... i ended up moving to another town...
im trying to figure out how to leave this lovely house again.. and am i just being dramatic with what hes done again... or is it enough to want to leave and try again?... im in my 50s now.. time is ticking... i want to be happy... i honeslty think i need to grown some balls and leave for good and be happier alone than with him....
my life isnt my own.,..
i cant use the washing machine... he controls that... if i use it all hell breaks loose....

i know im going to get some hard answers but i need some advice.... thanks xx