His Birthday is Tomorrow

Each year, over the 11years together, each of our birthdays were special events in which we took the other away for a surprise place for the weekend. Last year I took him to Maine, had a B and B that also had a yoga studio and arranged for him to have a tour of the archives of a famous museum by the curator himself.(Yes, this IS fun to us weirdos). At that weekend, I took photos and videos each day and have just reviewed them and yes, I do feel better for so doing because it rekindled how very much I loved and love him.
Prior to reviewing the photos and videos I had told myself that first thing in the morning I was going to text him Happy Birthday! However
I now recognize it won't matter to him. He'll just see it as another one of his admirers who he thinks that he deserves anyway. Initially I thought that this would ease my pain that I've had over these last few days. I recognize however that I risk a response or not. Either way I'm tormented again, fresh and new. I then remember that last Fall, I thought he was reintroducing me to his family from which he had banned me for 3 years because I called the police on him the second time he physically abused me. (BTW he tells his friends that he pushed me and that I called the police) They don't know re the first time when I was covered in bruises, or that I told him that if he did it again I would call the police, or that I refused to be his punching bag) Anyway, I thought what I thought. He invited me to the family however to use me to lie to his sister that we were "just friends and he was not leading me on". At that time I was still spinning and under his spell. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Tonight I looked at the pics of him last year and felt the loving feelings. I also realized, again, what a sick fuck he is and where he got it from (I know his mother who is worse than he) I resent him for using me for 11 years. As a friend of mine who is unsophisticated in psychological things said "how could you know you were being used. It wasn't something that you could imagine existed" ( I like his interpretation better than my knowing my allowing myself to be used is my struggle = lots of work)
I like remembering what it was like to feel so in love. I like remembering what it was like to feel loved.
The worst thing I did to myself was to introduce him into psychotherapy. The rat is getting better at making himself look like he can empathize ie he says the words but you don't feel the resonance ie it's fake. Takes a while to catch on and most women won't til it's way , way too late. I remember early on when we were talking about relationships he said "For me, there's always another one" I wish I had known what that really signified because I would have beat feet out the door!
Writing this, to you, has given me the strength to go through my pain tonight and tomorrow and to NOT contact him. He'll only gloat. I would only suffer more and I've suffered enough.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!