My Summer On A Roller Coaster

I haven't visited this site in a couple years, as I felt I had gotten over my narcissist ex. People on here were extremely supportive to me, which I greatly appreciate. I find myself back here in order to try to sort out quite a complicated situation. I hope everyone can read this with an open mind. This situation is nothing I would've ever imagined for myself, but needless to say, it is now part of my history.

I met someone I will call Joe back in May. The attraction between the two of us was instantly electric. The sexual encounters we had were incredibly exciting. That being said, he was hot and cold. I never knew when I would hear from him or when he would actually follow through with plans that we made. Regardless, for some reason I wanted to see where things would go. He was honest in that he said he was not ready for a relationship, but could see himself with me. That glimmer of hope and the electricity are probably the reasons I stuck this out for a few months. I also tend to be drawn to the unavailable and to narcissists. The more I learned about Joe, the more I realized he has some major problems including bipolar disorder, substance abuse issues and is unemployed. That being said, he is gorgeous, charismatic, and knows just the right thing to say at the right time to keep me hooked.

Here is where things get complicated. After knowing Joe for a couple weeks, I met his older brother whom I will refer to as John. John made it very clear that he had interest in me. After Joe had retreated the first time, I ended up going out with John. John is the total opposite of his brother. He is sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, and would do anything for me. If I had to do this summer over again, I would've instantly dropped Joe given his flaky behavior and pursued John. I told John I felt what we did was wrong and that I didn't think we should continue to see each other until I sorted things out with his brother. Regardless of my good intentions, this back and forth pattern continued until a couple weeks ago.

To be clear, the younger brother does not know that the older brother likes me. I felt strange about that dynamic, but my counselor told me that I needed to be careful because if I said something, I could create a lasting division between the two of them.

I will move to what has happened lately. I completely let Joe go from my life a couple weeks back. However, having sent mixed signals to John after the last few months, he recently met somebody else. My instincts tell me that he does not feel the same way about this person as it does for me. I say that because of the fact that there is an obvious connection between John and me far beyond sex. We just understand each other. More than anyone I've met over the last 10 years, I can see myself with John. This whole experience has made me realize that I need to work on the fact that I am attracted to the unavailable and for me to recognize when I meet someone who is good for me.

John is admittedly a very emotional person and reached the point of needing to try to sort everything out in his head. He asked me if it was okay for him to take a three week break in order to try to work through this. I agreed given the fact that I know this is something he needs. I asked him if what he really wanted was a break up. He said that he didn't and is very open to seeing where things might go in a healthier way with the two of us. Given the questions he asked, it is clear to me that he seems afraid that I might enter into the same pattern with his brother again. I was clear that this will not be the case, as I have completely broken ties with Joe.

Of course, the other complication is that John met this other person. I find it hard to believe that the two of them could have developed the same kind of connection that we share because my experience tells me that this is a rare thing. On the other hand, that new person is devoid of all the complications contained in my story.

This break started a few days back and I find myself completely heartbroken. I needed to do something cathartic and embarked on writing a song for John. I am a musician by trade and could not help but to share my new lyrics with him. He did not respond to that message, but I didn't expect him to, as we agreed to a break. I find my behavior quite ironic, as John wrote me beautiful poems at different times as an expression of his feelings for me. I liked them at the time, but my focus was divided. I've gone back and read them and realize just how incredible they are.

I have no feelings remaining for Joe and would like John to choose to pursue things with me once this break is over. I am telling myself that I need to remain strong and not reach out to him during this period to honor his wishes.

I imagine some of you may be thinking that I just need to let this whole thing go and move on. As strange as the scenario seems, it didn't feel that wrong given the withdrawing behavior of the younger brother. My friends are big fans of John and felt that I should have severed ties with Joe a long time ago.

I would appreciate any insight you might have. How would you handle this break? Do you think it is appropriate to send him a short message of hello during this time, or should I go no contact? Is there anything I can do to try to impact John's decision?

Thank you for your help!