Piece by Piece

Never have I been a writer. Some say writing can be therapeutic and so this is what I am going to try to heal from heartbreak. What I thought was a perfect relationship ended so abruptly with no warning 'signs. To be left behind from someone you love and gave your all too is more than an emotional heartbreak.
Sometimes I asked myself what am I holding on to. The man that I fell in love with 26 months ago was not real. He was wearing a mask, putting on a persona of a person that he knew I have been waiting for all my life. He was Mr. Charming and knew all the words to say. The relationship started fast but I trusted this man and had no reservation. Who would expect what he said is completely different from his action. Now I know the reason for why he came on to be quick. – I had a use for him. I could help him in school, job, career, provide him with a place to stay, gifts.. I was his sugar momma as he would call me in school.
We met online. In a twist of faith, I accidently clicked on his profile as I was browsing the profile to help my friend look for potential dates. I looked at his profile and passed on sending a message because I remember asking myself, why would a good looking and charming guy be online looking for dates? He sent me a message and I explained to him that I am not looking at finding someone for myself but for my friend. We exchanged a few emails and within a month he wanted to fly to Texas to visit me during his school break (he was studying pharmacy in California).
Come August 10, 2013. He arrived at the airport and being a student, I knew he didn’t have much money so I offered to let him stay on my couch at my apartment. Although I am 4 years younger than him, I have an established career as pharmacist supervisor and he knew that. I let him know that I will be at work most of the time he is there but can wake up early to show him around and even let him use my car to drive around. He was there for a total for 5 days. I showed him around town , had lunch and dinner with him and by day 3 he wanted to be official. He asked me to be official via text which was strange. I replied when I was at work letting him know that he doesn’t even know me after 3 days, that this is not something that should be discussed via text and that I will talk to him more when I am home.
When we finally had the talk I let him know that I am not like most girls. I am very independent and that I don’t believe on sex before marriage. I explained to him that most guys that I have gone out with don’t accept this and this is the reason why I am single. I told him that if he has a problem with that then we should not start. I was upfront and honest with him. The last thing was that I hate cheaters. That cheating is the most horrible thing you can do in a relationship. He said he understands that and was cheated on by ex girlfriend so he could never do that to anyone else because he knew how much it hurts (SPOILER ALERT: LIES!)
And so we started, at first it was constant text, calls, picture of what he was eating, what he was doing. This lasted until he graduated and wanted to move to Texas to be with me. May 2014 came around, after 10 months of dating, we were living together. I saw a different person living with him. He was reserved, didn’t like to talk about personal life, not once did he talk on the phone with anyone when he was living with me which I thought was strange. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong so one day when his computer was on I checked his browsing history. Nothing. Everything was deleted. I thought to myself that is strange, why would someone delete browsing history if they are the only one using the laptop. A few days later, I checked again.. ah ha..match.com. I was thinking why was he on this site when he was already with me. He checked out all the girls that he message, all professional, all Asian, from the area that he was from. During dinner I asked him if he is on any dating site. He denied it and said he delete everything when he met me. I asked him if he was ever on match.com. He denied it. He said he was on it briefly but why would he pay for a site. I knew that was a lie because he obviously paid for service since he can message those girls. I don’t know why I did not questioned more. But I believed him.
He met all my friends, family, and charmed them over. He was mister perfect. Each time he met someone new that I introduced him to, he would asked me what the other person think of him. I asked him why does this matter? He then proudly said, of course everyone loved him that I am lucky to have met him. Over the course of 18 months, I took him on vacation to cancun, Hawaii, nyc, Washington dc, Orlando, las vegas, you name it. I never asked him to pay because I knew he didn’t have a job and I am not a calculating person. He wore the same 3 outfit all the time, I didn’t want people to say he can’t afford clothes so I bought him an entire new wardrobe .. all 30 dress shirts from express, dress pants, jeans, shoes, underwear, ties, belt.. you name it, I bought it. I kept giving and he kept taking. But I found it strange that he never introduced me to his friends or family. I finally met a few of his friends beginning of 2014 and his family the middle of 2014. His friends and I hit it off and we were friends on facebook to his surprise. He did not like me interacting with his friends, perhaps he did not want his secrets exposed. He kept on wanted to sleep with me and he kept on assuring me that once he get a job, he would settle down and we will get married. I believed every word he said and finally gave into him. I find it odd that he would repeat the same story over and over again, word for word. I asked him if he has dementia because I have heard the same story multiple times and he would not remember. He will constantly ask me things about myself but rarely will he talk about himself. From what I can gather, he have a very bad relationship with his mom, dad, and sister. He pretty much grew up on his own. I was attracted to him because of his independence but I didn’t know his childhood somehow would make him a twisted person. I tried to provide him with the love that he lack as a child.
When he finally passed his pharmacy boards, he couldn’t find a job. He had no experience and no hospital would hire him. Knowing that I am supervisor, he asked me to use my connection to get him in my hospital. What I did next was the epitome of stupid. I had a great paying job and it was not stressful, I quit on the spot so that he would get the job. I ruined my reputation so that he would get my job since he had interviewed for the hospital already but they were hesitant on hiring him. He convinced me to quit so that he would get hired. His planned work.. He replaced me. This was when things changed. He ignored me, didn’t make time for me, and kept saying that I am stressing him out.
Dec 2014, I was a fool and paid for a breast job for him. He came to the office and sized what he liked, I paid for it thinking that it will make him happy. Not once did he visit me when I had surgery. He didn’t come until I recovered because he did not want to see the scar. I thought this was odd but I was in such pain that I could not think much. He started to be different. He no longer cared about me, everything was about him. He would constantly look at the mirror and remove gray hair or made me do it for him. When we go out, he would always make me wait for him to get ready. Everything he said has to be right. He will argue with me about things he had no knowledge about. He would criticize other and speak highly of himself. He started to be more materialistic and flashy. He said he wanted to by a maserati to be different and stand out. Everything to him was now about money. That was what he cared most about.
I did really think I was pushing him so I start to give him the space that he wanted. Out of nowhere he moved to California to Bakersfield Feb 2015 without telling me he was applying for a job. I was shocked because I had to pull so many strings to get him a job and he quit after a few months. I was speechless. He used the excuse that because I am in California now and he would eventually need to move here, he decided to apply now. Again, I bought into his lies. He moved to Bakersfield, and I lived 3 hours away. I thought it was fine, since at least now we are within driving distance. But he was working the opposite week as me now so we never really get to see each other.
One time when I did visit when he first moved to Bakersfield, I saw hotel toiletries from a Huntington Beach Hotel (where his family is from). I questioned him about the toiletries.. why would he have that when his family is from orange county. He lied on the spot but I did not know at the time. He said maybe some relative were visiting and he booked hotel for them. Again, lies. All of his relative have their own house in orange county.
In March 2015, he left his computer on. I had to check my email and signed on. His email was still on so I was curious if he was shopping around for a ring for me or not, I started to look at his history (all erased) but his email was on. That was when I saw the message that he sent to someone name Sarah. In the email he asked her to send more pictures of her and that he will talk to her soon. I was vividly upset. When he came home I showed him a screenshot of what I found. He denied it. He said he was helping friend sister get into pharmacy school. I asked him why would you even care for picture of he was just helping her. He said he didn’t know what she looks like and was curious. Again, I didn’t think he was that type of person so I believed him.
I left for my asia family vacation May 2015 and was gone for 3 weeks. He didn’t try to contact me when I was gone. The time I facetime him, he never cared to ask how my trip was or how my family was. It was like we were distant. When I came back three weeks later, I had a hunch something was wrong again. He was different, not affectionate, and was cold. He drove to see me because I had purchase tickets to see his favorite artist, Bocelli months prior. He said he will only be here for one day since he had to go to work. I asked him what he means because this is his off week. He said he looked at his schedule wrong and he was scheduled to work. I guess a woman intuition is rarely wrong. When I was at work I called his hospital and asked to speak to him and was told that he is off today. My heart sank and I thought my world fell apart. I tried to locate his phone, I don’t know if I am lucky or not but I was able to sign on with a password that I guessed. He was not at work, he was in Burbank at someone else house overnight and refused to pick up my phone and reply to my text.
He responded that I am overreacting and that he will call me tomorrow. My heart sank, I knew something was wrong. He finally answered my phone at 2pm. He said he wanted space. I asked him where he was, he said he was at his aunt house in Huntington Beach, I knew that was a lie because I was tracking his phone the same moment I asked him. He was at that address.
I drove to Bakersfield to see him, and that was when I found out he had removed his apartment keys from my set of keys. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was shaken up and had no idea how things came to be. I was broken. To get him to open the door I told him Fedex just dropped off a package and I was standing outside when he opened the door. He was in shock and I was expecting to find the other woman inside the apartment. She was not there but he continued with his lies. He said he met someone at the mall when I was in Asia, that he said he didn’t know why he did it. He was never the cheating type and his friends will call him crazy for cheating on me. He said he doesn’t know if it is because he played with the Quiji board that his personality changed.I just remember breaking down crying. I didn’t understand how someone I love so much and gave everything to can turn out to be a heartless monster. I told him to give me his phone but he refused to. I knew there was evidence of his cheating on the phone. He said ne need time to “reflect” and that he will contact me when he was ready. I was broken, my life as I knew it fell apart. I didn’t know if he was really possessed by Quiji board or not, I spent my time online reading about quiji boards and stupid enough to contact a number of priests so that can can perform exorcism on him to get spirt out.
I gave him the space he wanted, he will occasionally text me that he miss me and he need time to himself to reflect on what he wants. I bought everything. Each time he texted me, I hurt more and more. He was emotionally abusing me. I felt something was wrong so I went to get tested. Bam! Moderate-severe HPV. He claimed that he does not sleep around and only had two serious girlfriend. For someone who does not sleep around, how would he get HPV. He obviously was lying.
This was when people who knew him started to tell me stories about who he is. What the real him was in high school. That he is a player. I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. I kept thinking they don’t know him but I know him. He can’t be that bad.
Come July 7, I drove to Bakersfield because I have had enough after I tracked his phone and he was at the same apartment in Burbank. I texted him either he meet me at his apartment or I will confront him in Burbank. I got in my car and drove 4 hours to confront him. This was when he was caught and admitted that he cheated. I was very upset, I remember using my arm and just slapping it back and forth, I bruised myself up. He said he didn’t know why it happened. That this is out of his character that he was upset when I sent him picture of me and boat captain in Vietnam. So I asked him because of one picture, he cheated on me? I asked him who I went on vacation with, my family! Of course my family was there when I took the picture. But he kept on blaming it was my fault that made him cheat. I thought it was, I blamed myself. I cried, I begged for him to stay. He turn to me and said cold-heartedly and with a scary face with eyes that I have never seen before, he said he no longer love me the same and that he need a long time to himself. I cried and cried but he had no reaction. He was stonecold. I was so afraid of losing him to the other woman I asked him what I can do to change his mind, he said everything is different now. That he want time alone. Come the discard phase.
Still, I refused the believe that he can be like this. That it must have been something I did that caused him to change. I was broken without him. My days were long, I could not focus on work, I had to take sleeping pills to fall asleep, I was depressed. I felt like unwanted trash and I blamed myself for being so strong-willed. Each day that pass seem like months, I was no longer myself. Aug 13, 2015- it was our 2 years anniversary and nothing. No word from him. I don’t drink but that night I drank one bottle of wine and broke down and sent him one last text. I told him I have had enough and that I want an end now. I want to break up with him. Within minutes he called back, asking for a chance. He asked for the end of the month. I said no. I said either he makes his decision now or don’t ever contact me again. He asked me where I am at. I told him I want to get away now and won’t tell him where I am going. He kept texting me and calling me the week I was gone, saying he wants to work on us. That he knew how much he hurt me but now he was interviewing for a job in southern California. I asked him why is he switching job at this moment when he should be moving to northern California if he wanted to make things work with me, not more further away.
I told him that I will be in San Diego for a week at August 30. He said he will meet me in San Diego. I still had reservation with him. He got another number and text him pretending to be some girl with a fake name. He said he recently updated his phone and lost everyone number. Asked for name, which I made up and attached it with a picture I found online. He said, he remember and that he is free Aug 29 and will be in orange county and offered to meet at hotel for drinks and asked for address to pick “me” up. I was crushed. He would want to pick up a stranger and meet at hotel. What kind of person is he??? I asked him if he is still single and he said yes. Perhaps later he had a hunch it was me, he said that it was a coworker that text and that he is in a relationship. He met me in San Diego the week of Aug 30. Immediately, he wants things to be like before. I told him things cannot be as it was before, our relationship was broken and it needs to be fixed. I told him he cheated on me, and now I have trust issues with him. For this to work, he must give me his passwords so that he can slowly earn my trust. He said no. He said if I don’t trust him there’s no point in a relationship. He said if he didn’t want to be with me, he would not be here and that he does not want me to invade his privacy by asking for passwords. I felt he was different, he was no longer the same guy I fell in love with. He was hiding things and constantly lying and no longer can he look at me in the eyes. I remember one day when we went to Balboa Park, I dropped my lip gloss which rolled under the seat, when I tried to retrieve it, I grabbed hold of stubhub tickets. I asked him what those ticket are, he said he was bored and went to Angels game alone (I knew deep inside it was a lie). During our walk around the park, it would constantly use the restroom, I got upset and asked him why he is using the restroom so much, is he going inside to text and call the other woman and he was speechless. He said he just had to go pee. My red flag alarm was blazing, my head tells me he was lying and that I should not believe this guy. He is playing me for a fool but my heart wants to believe that he can’t be that bad.
Two weeks later, I was in Hawaii. This was supposed to be a solo trip for me to find myself. I told him I was going to be in Hawaii and he bought himself a ticket to meet me there. Honestly, I was very happy he was there with me. I thought to myself, he probably have left the other women and now want to work on things with me. I want to trust him so much but I always have reservation. He turned off his phone periodically in Hawaii. One time I was in the restroom and he left his phone in there. I happened to figure out what his password was and got into his phone. He was signed on his email and I looked into the emails. My heart sank. He had pictures of girls he secretly took when she was bent over at a mall, picture of his close friend in tight workout clothes, pictures of girls at clubs. He digged further in email and found that he planned a trip for seattle end of August, beginning of September for 9 days. (Now I know why he wanted to wait until September to give me an answer). He had a new supply source and wanted to test to see if it would work out with her and I ruined his plans. On our last night in Hawaii, he took me to jewelry store and bought me a necklace for our anniversary. At night when in bed I had a talk with him. I told him that I need him to give me an answer now if he is serious about me or not and it is time to take next step. He gave me lecture that marriage does not mean anything. It is just a piece of paper and even if we were the get married, if guy wants to cheat, the guy will find a way to. He said right now he can’t promise me forever because he does not want me to be disappointed. All he can do is be a better guy to me after all that he has put me thru. I was crying. I couldn’t believe that he can’t even tell me that he won’t hurt me again. I didn’t know this guy, his mask was slipping. He had everything he wanted from me already. I found myself crying on the plane, I didn’t want to end this relationship but at the same time I was hurting so much.
Two weeks later, we were in Seattle. He drove to Northern Cali to apologize to my parents for hurting me but I felt like what he was saying was not sincere at all. My parents knew how much I love him and said they were disappointed in him and that he should treat me better this second time around. While in seattle, I knew he changed his phone password but when I glanced at him entering password, I figured what it was. When he was asleep he will keep his phone on his side of the bed. The phone never left his side even when he used the restroom. I questioned him as to why he was always taking phone with him and that was when he finally left phone in the room. One morning when he was in the restroom, I unlocked his phone and saw a text message from “John, pharmacist”. I read the message and it was clearly from a girl. The message said , “Good morning. TGIF it is Friday. I am going to vegas today : )”. I responded with who are you and why are you txtng my boyfriend. And then erased the message. Then when we were on the bus I caught him looking at his phone and he had the oh shit look. I grabbed phone from him on bus and read the response. She responded “I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. We are just friends.” I kept silent and held on his phone. When we got off the bus he asked me what that was all about. I asked him how can he do this. Why does he keep lying to me. He just promised my parents that he will treat me right and now he is cheating again. He denied cheating and said it was someone he just met that can hook him up with a job in case things did not work out with new job. I told him I am not an unreasonable person. If he did not have anything to hide, he did not have to change her name to John. I told him I am done. He said if he didn’t want things to work, he would not be here and if I don’t want to believe him there is nothing more to say. He said let’s go back and pack out bags and leave and we will go our separate ways. I was broken yet again. I didn’t want to lose him but I was seeing evidence of him cheating. I didn’t know what to do. I just walked away and he followed and we spent the day in seattle in silence. It was like I knew it should end but my heart could not let go. We made up at night, he made it sound like I wronged him my accusing him. I started to question myself if I am overreacting. My heart told me to believe him and then we went to Vancouver two days later. We seem like we were back to normal, whatever normal mean now.
Come October, he started his new job. I knew he was cheating on me because he once again said he was working an extra shift but when I asked to see his paycheck he refused to show me. When he finally sent it to me, it was obvious. I ended things. I told him I deserve better than this.
Thanksgiving came, he asked to come to my house. He wanted to talk things out. This was when he admitted that he cheated on me. He said his guard was down and it was lapse in judgement. I said to him this is not how you love someone. If he loved me, he would not have cheated the first time. I said he have put me thru hell. This was when I thought I was pregnant and he wanted to me to get an abortion. Perhaps, he was telling me things I wanted to hear so that I will go get tested and get an abortion if I was in fact pregnant. He said he wanted to see less of me, that he wanted to see me once a week to test if he will not cheat when I am not with him. And come my birthday in July, he will propose. He said the words I wanted to hear. I wanted to believe him and agreed with his terms. I find myself no longer the strong and independent woman I was before. I was weak and my emotion depended on how he treated me. I found out I was not pregnant and he breath a side of relief. He was smiling from ear to ear and I was thinking to myself what an irresponsible person he was. I told him to give me some time to see if I want to get back with him after he cheated no me a second time. Two weeks into no contact, I found myself miserable without him and gave him another chance.
As his use for me came to an end, he began to cheat and was looking for his next victim who had something that he wanted. Power? Money? Sex? Who knows, it was something that was more important than what he had with me because now he has grown bored. The cheating and lies started but because I love this man so much I learned how to lie to myself that he could not possibly be this bad and that he will stop. The cheating and the lies never stopped. It just got worse. I found myself miserable, asking myself how did things come to this state. I kept blaming myself, asking myself what else I can do, how can I change to keep him. He kept accusing me of cheating and telling me stories about how his coworkers cheat on their wife and girlfriend. Now I think he was just telling me his stories of cheating and ruining his coworker names.
When he ignored my phone call, lied to me, I knew that I am holding on to a person who no longer wants to stay. He have found his new target and now it was time for the discard stage. He was heartless. Despite how good I was to him, he could not even man up to break up with me in person and tell me the truth.
Deep down, I know the truth but I choose not to admit it. I kept lying to myself. Piece by piece, day by day, I started to lose sense of who I was. I changed myself to be who he wanted me to be. I was no longer happy because I realized that my happiness was solely dependent on how he treated me. He treated me bad.
He emotional abused me to the point that I no longer recognized myself. When he left me without a word, my world collapse because for the past 26 months, he was my world and he promise a future with me. He said I was different from his previous girlfriends. Now I know these are the words that narcissists use to catch their prey.
If he treated me so badly, you must be wondering why I can’t let go. I am asking myself that question every single day. When the pain comes back, I ask myself why am I letting him hurt me? This man never cared for me, while I am hurt, he is out with his new target who eventually will have the same fate as me because this man will never be satisfied with what he has.
No matter how much I keep on telling myself that he will get his Karma, that I should forget him because the man that I fell in love with was not real. He was in character and now that he is done using me, the show is over and the mask is off. Despite what my head knows, my heart is still breaking. It is like my heart is poisoned and each day I am reminded of how much he hurt me and yet I cannot let go.
I have turned off my phone and isolated myself from my friends. My friends warned me that he was a bad guy and for me to let him go after the number of times he cheated on me. I still gave him a chance and know that my friends are sad to see me in such state because they know I deserve better. Never having been a spiritual person, I travelled to Dallas, TX July 2015 to see a fortune teller. She told me that I owe this man in my past life. I hope that everything that I owe him I have returned to him. I was not in the right state of mind, she sent me to a temple to meditate to clear my mind and also sent me to a thai monk to have my relationship blessed with him because she said that we are meant to be together.
The meeting with Thai monk made me a spiritual person. The moment I walked in the door and he chanted to me, my worries and head seemed to have cleared. He asked me why I was here. I told him I don’t know why but my boyfriend cheated and left me and I hope that he can bring him back. He did a ritual and at the end gave me a necklace blessed my him and told me to be happy. Everything will be okay. He will come back in August.
August came, he did come back. But he was no longer the same guy that I met. He was constantly lying, hiding, and cheating. I kept quiet thinking that he will get bored with the women after he see how well I treat him compared to them and stop. But it was hard for me to knowingly let someone I love go fool around.
Everything ended in Feb 2016. He wanted to break up. I wanted to hold on. Then I realized that even if I have him, his heart is no longer there so what is the point in having him stay? I was even stupid enough to say that he can go ahead and cheat a long as he is smart about it and not let me find out. I was trying everything to save this relationship.
This is when I isolated myself from the world. I know that only I can help myself. This is when I booked a solo trip to Thailand to find myself. Scared? Heck yea! I know Thailand is not a country that is safe for a female to travel alone but this is my spiritual journey to find myself. I will be getting a sak yant blessed by a Buddhist monk. I said never will I get a tattoo but this is more then a tattoo, this have spiritual meaning to me to forget the past and look forward to the future. My life have been so dark since I found out that the one person who I gave my all to and love with all my heart cheated on me and left me cold bloodedly. He no longer have a soul in his eyes when he looked at me.
This solo trip to Thailand will help me find myself. Prove to myself that without him, I will survive because I believe in karma and the teaching of Buddha I will be able to let go of the hurt. Love no longer have a place in my heart. A relationship with another man is something I cannot even fanthom. Who knew there are such evil people in the world that can use and destroy the state of mind of another human being that treat them so well. On this trip, I am learning to love myself, do what makes me happy, and to give love to my family. I will not slip to the dark side where I almost took my life because he is not worth it. He didn’t care that he hurt me, so why would he even shed a tear if I died.
I wonder why there are such heartless people that can go toy with people heart and not be fazed by it. I am hurting each day. I find myself crying, depressed, alone and discarded like trash. He made me feel worthless. I am no longer the same person as three years ago. People say I look like Maggie Q when I was traveling in Hong Kong; so I know I am not unattractive by no means but I don’t know why he can treat me like this. He never plan anything with me, or surprised me on my birthday. It was like I was the guy courting him our whole relationship. I just wanted someone to love me truthfully; is that too much to ask? I think it is safe to say I gave this guy my all and now I am a mess without him. His mask is off and yet I am still waiting hoping the guy I first met will come back.