Farewell!

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#1 March 21, 2016 - 7:16pm
JMP
JMP's picture

Farewell!

Hey...

You probably saw something in me that drew your interest, but exactly what will always remain a mystery for me. I Will never be able to humafine you or your behavior. Never will I be able to talk to you one last time inorder to cry and to hear you understand and then let you go and wish you happy trails.

A big part of who you are is that this is something you can never do. Its not just that you don`t see the point, you are not actually connected to an inner self that knows what you feel. You been emulating others behavior to at least make it look like you do, but inside your hollow. This is what is so hard for me to understand, was the person I loved so much just a projected image of my dreams, hopes and desires?

I know that whatever drives you is not some evil that makes itself happy as its goes along, I seen your anxeity and frustration as you claw desperately for something solid to hold onto, like someone thats drowning fights to keep their head above water. I seen you crying at nights, even if the tears were always for you and never for me.

Maybe I´m as guilty as you for chasing my desires, blinded by passion ignoring what I in my heart I knew to be true. In one way I think we really are kindred spirits forged in the same fire. On a level deep beyond our conciusness maybe we were looking to merge and blend inorder to balance eachother out. If I gave you some of my excess and you some of yours maybe we would have blended and healed our wounds and maybe as two parts of one seen the whole. Maybe thats the real aim of any romantic love.

I know now that I´m not able to transfer anything of me to you, I tried and have defiantly finally given up. You don´t even recognise the effort and are already looking elsewhere like I never existed. Though it breaks my heart I can´t blame you more than I can blame fire for being hot, and as it is in both of your natures to burn anything that comes in your path I´m left to do my best to step out of your way. Though we can both agree on that this is not something that comes naturally for me.

Probably this was part of the mystery that drew you to me, someone that didn´t give up on you, someone that wanted to see something good in you no matter what you did, someone that should have been there to hold and keep you warm before you retracted into yourself and froze... Because whenever I set out to find some of that heat and fire of you on the inside, all I could find was ice.

Though this have been hard for me to admitt, I must at last give in and make myself understand that just as there was never anyone there who could love me, there is neither anyone there for me to blame. Still I will never stop trying to give you my unconditional love just as any child, big or small, deserves, and when it all dawns on you I hope you remember me and know that you have my forgivness.

Love M