Letter to me...

Forgive me!

We both now we´ll never se eachother again. You craved too much space in my head and the mere thought of that made me anxious. You can always hang on to a small hope of a fractionous everchanging bit of my attention though, but I´m now aware that would go against your whole love seeking being and something you would never knowingly tolerate. My lashed out aggression towards you was amplified when I noticed the rebellion in you.

Deep inside of me I can follow the logistics of your behavioral pattern and understand the pain I inflicted in you and how scandalous unfair I treated you even if I always turned it around on you. I´m so sorry...
You often looked deep into my eyes with that ancient gaze of yours in search for my love, for truth. I´m sorry you never found anything to still your heart. Somehow that even hurt me. At first you told me you could see the sparkle of diamonds in my eyes and for a brief moment I almost convinced myself they belonged to me. We both know the sparkle was always yours, rays of light reflected from your loving eyes in mine. Like the reflection of stars in a dark lake at night.

Forgive me so much for playing on your hopes for connection and true love. It´s sad but its the only thing I know how to do. I can´t even figure out how exactly it makes you feel because my experiences are more like losing a game or being denied a role in a play I liked to be cast in.

Don´t be too offended and disappointed though, you seen the chaotic life I live and the tempramental rollercoaster I´m constantly on. The bitter tears of frustration you saw rolling down my cheeks were often painfully real.

Forgive me for the damaged being that is me. I can`t change so don´t look back at me thinking I could. Take the pain I inflicted in you and turn it into an understanding of what I really am and at the same time an understanding of what you really are. When you`re beyond, think not about me with hate or bitterness but with compassion.

Farewell
S