Letter from my N to myself

As if he finally saw the error of his ways. This is the second writing assignment in Lisa's "The Path Forward" book, which a person would write to herself as if it's from the Narcissist. Although he will never come around, it "doesn't mean we can't facilitate the words we need to hear in order to move on."

Although I wrote this a while back, and well after I left my N and created NC, it's a real refreshing take to read on days when I would feel a bit unconfident or go back into self blame mode (which these days are much more scarce, thanks to this forum and Goldie's group). Hope this helps you too.

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GH,

There’s been a lot of things going back and forth between us and I just want to say one thing:

I’m sorry.

Not half-ass sorry. FULL responsibility sorry. I know I've hurt you terribly and I want you to know that you were good to me. You supported me when I needed it. You listened. You defended me or at least took my side when I needed you to.

I take full responsibility for leading you on, especially with the whole thing with Camilla. I got greedy: I wanted you, then she came along, and I didn't want to make the decision. I was weak, so I led you to believe that she was completely out of my life, and lied thereafter. I didn't help to resolve your fears to an acceptable degree, like you did for me (or at least tried to). You didn't deserve the drama and the misconception. You deserved a completely clean slate and I did not provide that.

I’m also especially sorry for not being physically responsible with health checks. I shouldn't have put you in harm’s way, and I definitely put your trust in me in jeopardy. You looked out for the both of us and I didn't do right by that.

I’m sorry for treating you below the standards that you deserve. I've been childish, crass /vulgar, disrespectful (especially in listening to you during our conversations), fishing for compliments to pad my ego, lying to you.

I’m especially sorry for being so selfish. I've looped and manipulated others to think that you were to blame (and that I was the victim). I should have been more of class act and been mature enough to leave them alone (regarding our situation), instead of pitting them against you.

I’ve blamed you for a lot of things that honestly weren't your fault. It’s easier for me to do that instead of doing the honest thing, which is to search myself for any reason or cause of the problems that exist. I don’t like looking in the mirror because it hurts. I don’t like myself as much as I want everyone else to. That’s why I need any attention I can get. That’s why you got roped into this at the same time as another female – I lack security so I get it when I can, especially from women. It makes me whole, and a lot of times, it’s at the cost of hurting someone.

You’re not the only one, though – not the first and not the last – to have suffered this misfortune. Others have been affected and probably with the same results you feel.

I’m very insecure, and it’s nothing that you (or anyone) can fix. I understand you walking away; you are stronger than me, and one of the strongest women I know – and I wanted what I am not strong enough to have. So that’s why I made you feel what you felt. I don’t know how to be as strong, so it’s easier to make someone feel weaker or lesser, if I cannot find someone who already is weaker.

I know it’s come to the point where we don’t even speak, and I respect that now (since I haven’t before), because I’ll have to. I’ll always be jealous that you’ll be in other people’s lives and not mine, if any reason, it’s because you make them look better than me and I don’t think it’s fair for me. But no matter what, I’ll really be jealous because I’m not as strong and confident enough to look inside and deal with the issues and pain – something that you've done so beautifully that it’s made you stronger. No, I won’t be doing that anytime soon. That’s why you are far ahead and I’m still in the same place that I’ll always be.

Mike