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Confused

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#1 Oct 25 - 2PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Confused

It is so confusing for me to understand why after all that he did to get me to move in with him(I left everything I had and moved to another country).He decided shortly after that we were better off as friends, and I bought it because we had been good friends in the beginning, and I wanted to show him that I wasn't resentful-- that people had a right to change their minds, as I was told by certain people in the process of understanding what had all happened ( I still don't).

At the time I had no idea he was a narcissist or anything like that. I thought it was because he didnt know what he wanted (that's another thing people told me). He had just finished college .. I am 10 plus years older than him.
It was then as "friends" that he did begin to show this aggressive side of his that I had not been privy to before. I don't understand why he would do that after the break-up and not during the actual relationship. I am not saying there weren't any signs but there was no swearing, no shouting, no crying ...
After the break-up I was a mess and did somethings against myself that he then turned around to make himself look like the victim, and that's when the whole nightmare started. My guilt was so huge all I wanted was to make it up to him, but no matter what I did,other circumstance would arise, and I ended up more at fault than before. There seemed to be no end to what I could do wrong ..and again I am talking about a situation where we were supposed to be only "friends."

Oct 25 - 4PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

startanew

What he did was WRONG! Similar happened to me too, my ex had to move mountains to be with me, more than once, and each time, D&D'd me. Didn't make sense, why do they go to such great lengths to keep the LIE going?? The more you learn about narcissism, the more you'll understand. This has nothing to do with you, it had nothing to do with me. I sure as HELL was and am resentful that someone attempted to ruin my life, suck me dry emotionally, and rob me of my spirit. We are NORMAL to know this isn't healthy behavior. My exN wound up somehow turning the demise of our relationship around on me! Now, I laugh about it, thinking how incredibly screwed up he is, and how relieved the relationship didn't go any further.
Oct 25 - 3PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

confused?

keep going thru ALLLLL the pages of our message board and clicking on threads that interest you. PLEASE. the answers are here. Ns are NOT HUMAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Now that my marriage is over

Now that my marriage is over and I am beginning to get my brain back, I realize that him coming all the way over to my country with all the drama and everything..only to d&d me after 6 years, could have possibly been a way to get even and punish his first wife and kids for not giving him what he wanted and making him feel special. I know that may sound far fetched, but I lived it and my gut tells me it is true. He went so far to do it! You can't believe everything we went through for his immigration, divorce etc. There was always a mountain to get over. And he left as suddenly as he appeared. He never changed his mail. Didnt tell me he was going. Emptied the bank account. Left the bills unpaid. Only took clothes he wore all the time and photos of his kids. Left the things I gave him. Just up and left. When I look at his Facebook page I see he's friends with his exwife's parents. Which is strange. She was nowhere on the scene but I knew she would appear. And sure enough, she did. Not on his page yet, but I think that will happen too.She is friending all his friends. She lives with a much older man now, but I think those two have more abuse of each other to go through. It's a crushing blow when the truth becomes clear. It takes months and months and I know I have still more truth to realize.
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

To get back at the ex

Hi, I reckon that must be right then. My ex re enacted his whole marriage in my life. He called me by her name sometimes. He had a baby with me where they didn't have as she didn't want one. I had known them both for 27 years but hadn't seen them the whole time. I think he knew he could hurt her by getting with me. When the deed was done he moved on and blamed me for it. It's left devastation.
Nov 2 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Hangman11
Hangman11's picture

4joys May be Right - Getting Back at Ex

That really makes sense to me, I often would wonder why he never closed a bank account back in his home town even though he had moved to my city and we got married after a year of waiting for his divorce. If you are moving on with your life to a completely different part of the country, why keep an account open? The day I left he said he was moving back down in that part of the country and I could "follow" him if I wanted, that he wouldn't "divorce" me but he "WAS going to leave me!" That afternoon, I packed my sh#% and bounced! "I" filed for the divorce! Secrets and lies, he will probably run back to her now and just used me to make a statement. I wouldn't doubt it.
Oct 26 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

shallow, phony, not human

What really occurs is that the women fall in love with a life-size cardboard cut out which is a “look-a-like” of a real man. These are the cardboard cutouts of life-size people you see in Blockbuster Video. The psychopath and the stage of his luring are as shallow and phony. Once a love bond is formed, it does not depend on pleasure to be maintained. In fact, it is very possible for a woman to be bonded to a man she “hates.” That’s because it’s not merely her emotions that have bonded with the psychopath. It is also her brain pathways and hormonal chemistry that have responded and bonded to him. In our discussions, women often attest to this horrid bond that keeps them attached to the predator they have come to loathe. People don’t consciously recognize (or even understand) the love/hate bond because it occurs in the unconscious mind. People become most aware of the “feel” of the love bond when it’s threatened — such as in a break up or infidelity. Threats to the love bond create feelings of depression, stress, and anxiety. With a psychopath, the women perceive there are constant threats to the love bond — as in each time they suspect he is cheating, each time he threatens to abandon the relationship, or when he disconnects and is distant and aloof. The roller coaster of the pathological love relationship is sure to be fraught with threats to the love bond. Since pathology’s theme is ‘inconsistency’ this inconsistency will also be perceived by women as threatening the relationship connection. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS
Nov 2 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

barbara

You just reminded me about how I would notice him pulling away every time he was onto a new source. It was so blatant yet he said he wasnt acting any different and what was I talking about anyway? Oh, I always knew it, but couldnt stop it. Couldnt reason with him, or have him remember what we had, so dont blow it, kind of thing. He didnt care. Barbara, I truly never knew that people like this existed. Even today, going on 10 months, I think I'm still in shock. Progress hasnt looked like much lately even though I'm doing the work.