Finally Learn

I became a member here in 2009 I think. I was a mess. I was more than a mess. I came here for support of others but I didn't listen to the advice. I was an alcoholic in an on again off again relationship with an NPD, alcoholic, addict of every imaginable problem you can think, drugs, gambling, sex, whatever.... I had PTSD, depression, my life sucked. I figured because I'd been a good girl and was just broken I could walk this walk my own way, a less painful way. It was all the same nonsense for more years. I've moved 11 times since I met this a hole, lost every nickle I had, gained almost 50 lbs but I always had faith that there was a crack of goodness in everyone, because apparently I want to believe in people. Well, I'm a moron but a moron in a much better place now.

In 2011 I got sober. I moved back in with him and stayed over 2 years. I believed that by fixing our house up that we could play house. He didn't stop drinking. There were still drunken rants of "you stupid effing whore" screamed endlessly and drunkenly in my face and forgiven because he was drunk. I cut off everyone in my life because I was embarrassed but I did not waiver on my own sobriety. It was important to me and shocking to me now I stayed sober but I did. I no longer chose to drown in the bottle, be drunk, be crazy, be hungover and apparently be a fool, except I was. I was lonely, still broke and still broken. It got to the point where I just couldn't stand to even look at him. I had a decent job but every Friday morning the screaming from the bedroom came "I need money". The whole pathetic situation was more than I could take. I decided not only to leave him but to leave my job and move 1000 miles away because that would surely end this pathetic dance. He actually looked surprised when I told him I was leaving but never said a word. I packed, I left and he was on Match.com the very day I left him. Surprise! He threw me under every bus imaginable with friends, family, whatever. I took his money, I did this, I did that, what a horrible person I am.

I spent 6 months in my parents winter house, they kindly offered to help me get back on my feet. The thing about finally leaving a bad man is everyone thinks there's no pain. No one asks if you're ok or struggling and since you're the one who made the decision well why would you be hurt? At 48 years old I was without a home, a job and living in a strange state where I knew almost no one. Know what I did have? I had my little dog. A little dog I bought months before I left him. I think she gave me strength enough to make that decision. She was my companion, my friend and my savior. I spent 6 months in almost total isolation. I laid on the floor and cried for days, I lost 35 lbs, I read, I wrote, I didn't get dressed sometimes for days, I looked at the loaded .22 my dad left for me in case of trouble because I was nowhere, with nothing and my heart hurt. But everyday I woke up, looked for work, looked inside myself and discovered more and more about myself. Yeah I looked pretty pathetic, at my age to be in that situation but I owned it. I chose, I made mistakes, I got what I got. Never once in this nightmare, rollercoster ride have I even thought about drinking. For that I am proud. For what a drunk I was, I guess I'm very proud. Life was not easy being sober as I thought it would be but I clearer and stronger than I was drinking. Getting sober, that came so easy. Getting rid of the narc, another addiction, not as easy. Sadly, I was not able to find any kind of employment in my new state with no contacts. I was about out of money, my parents were coming home and I got an email one day asking me if I'd be interested in having my old job back. You know, back in the same state, same town with you know who. I think in my quest to continue being a grown up I decided to go back. Alone, start new, take care of myself and see what happened.

Well I don't think anyone here has to be a genius to know what happened. Of course I talked to him, of course I slept with him again, of course I was devalued, used and treated like human garbage again. The difference was my perspective. It didn't rock my world, didn't bring me to my knees, didn't make me stop having my own life. So I was a bit further. Since I left him almost 2 years ago I've entered no new relationships. I've had a couple of dates, I'm disinterested in men and truly not all that interested in him. I allowed him to filter in and out, never put much faith in it, never called him my boyfriend, never thought of myself and his girlfriend but I still never made a full break. I was back 5 months and offered an exceptional job 100 miles away with more money, more benefits, more vacation and I took it. I moved again. This was my 3rd move in a year but I rented a house in a town where I knew people and my life began to open up again. I felt happy, more secure and with 100 miles between us and him being as fricken lazy as he was he rarely made an effort to come fill up his reservoir and I never made an effort to go be with him. In fact since I moved I've never been back.

In May I was diagnosed with Graves and Graves eye disease, after 3 months of prescription allergies my dr's said my only option was to have a total thyroidectomy. In September I went in for my surgery. Minutes after waking from my initial surgery I developed a large cervical haematoma in my neck, it crushed my windpipe, I coded and the surgeon cut my throat in my room to alleviate the pressure then I almost bled to death. I almost died that day. While wheeling me back to the OR, blood running down the front of me they sent the chaplain. I was to be a fatality that day and before I passed out from blood loss I got really hot, then really cold and thought to myself "am I going to die?" It was traumatic, dramatic and it gave me a new perspective. I spent a couple of days in ICU, with dr's telling me how lucky I was to be alive. I texted the a hole and never heard one word from him. This was all very divine intervention because I'd switched from an iphone to an android and couldn't get texts from iphones because of some technical issue. Not a horrible thing. I guess I was angry and maybe surprised that he cared so little. I almost died after all. Weeks later the emails began, again. He was sorry, he didn't realize, can he come see me and a couple weeks ago he came for dinner, we screwed and he told me all his new secrets. He was now screwing a married woman, she screws other men and doesn't care what he does, she takes the bus to the casino where they met because she can't drive, too many DUI's. It's just f*cking he said, I should try it, just find a guy and try it. You know, it's so much more with me, he loves me, will always love me.......blah blah blah. It left a disgusting feeling in me. I feel dirty. The thing was and always was no matter what a prick he was this guy couldn't get a date. He's a drunk, not attractive, he's a jerk and his lies about his great life are so unbelievable that no woman was going to fall for it so I didn't feel scuzzy sleeping with him. In a physical sense, I mean I'd been to the dr and had all my STD tests done, he was the only guy I'd been with, I was clean so at least I had no fear with that. I liked having sex with him because I'm shy and terrified of being with anyone new but I liked it less and less as I started paying attention to things going on around me. The emotions and alertness of things. I told him then I wouldn't have sex with him anymore. Told him good look with his new woman, see ya. Wait! Not quite done yet. :)

The thing about my narc was his bragging, always was. Lies but he'd drink too much and tell all, just brag up his great life, his families money, how great he was. Money is his thing. He has none, wants to be rich. Brags and talks about money, gambling but only when he wins. Doesn't mention the 97% of times he drains his bank account and loses. But when he wins he's a God. With me he knew I knew better and maybe he needed to get the truth off his chest. I mean I had these problems, I knew how heavy they were to carry. I still felt sorry for him. How he'd dropped 100k gambling in a year, was in severe debt, he let his 40 year old loser friends screw women in his son's bed, theft, 401k hardship withdrawls, IRS audits, just disasters. He's just a wealth of information about what a skeezer he is, especially when he's drunk. His family is wealthy, when I left they took away his paid for house, tossed him into a stank apartment, told him to get it together but you know he told them it was all me, all my fault. He told them I took, spent it, blew it.... his money, I was the problem, I was hated. He told me they hated me. This hurt me but I knew the truth about him, the situation and I was out of it so I forgave him for that too. But as the days and weeks have passed I've been not contacting, much. I'm no second class wench and there is something inside me that tells me I will not dishonor myself, my body when he's doing some other chick too. Not sure what or how this matters but it did for me. When it was just he and I hooking up from time to time it still felt monogamous to me, the sex without the relationship part. May sound stupid but in my head that's how I thought of it but I seriously could not listen to his stories of screwing someone else who is having sex with other people anymore. It all sounded like an orgy to me and an STD that would cause my vagina to burst immediately into flames. GROSS! I realized it was starting to affect my mood, when I'd hear from him. I tried to be kind, understanding because addiction is not easy, I'm sober, no longer tank my bank account at a casino, so I would listen. I was less interested and just disgusted.

The thing about being through almost 8 years of this.... The journey through hell, the cathartic isolation, discovering myself, trusting myself and learning to have boundries and self respect but not quite being there fully. I know I'm stronger, better but still struggle with boundries and feeling ok about myself. I'm aware enough to notice when things hurt me, affect me, make me uncomfortable and just enough to know when I'm being played because he needed me as a pawn, a scapegoat. He kept me enough in to blame his bullshit addictions and problems on me to his family, because they already hated me. I noticed he emailed and texted rarely but enough to keep me on the hook enough and satisfied enough to ensure I keep all his little secrets and yes, make himself feel like Casanova. Because only this dude would have sex with 2 women in 8 years and carry himself like he's some kind of stud. He drunkenly texted and called me a few days ago and a lot of information came tumbling out, he laughed at me when I said he had stolen my dreams and then made some mention of a money issue and something with his dad and how his dad blamed me. The ROOM started to spin on me, I was like WHAT? WAIT? WHAT? Everything occurred to me in that moment. I was mad but didn't give it much energy. I hung up, went about my weekend, did not contact him then he sent me a sweet email today, contained the usual obtuse, sexual innuendo. So I emailed back and called him on all of it. Being the scapegoat, the pawn, that I understood his addictions but I'm out of it, I'm not to blame for anything, that I'm pissed, I'm sick of, all of it. Sick of not being heard, sick of being lied to, used. I let him have it. He emailed back and said "don't hurt me, I will always love". Not always love YOU, always love. He ignored every single thing I said, how he hurt me, used me, lied to me, broke my heart, played me for a fool and said don't hurt HIM. Him, him, always him. His comfort, his dick, his money, his life.... I just said WOW.

Wow, I'm still not there. Wow, I'm an idiot. Wow, I am finally done with this crap. I blocked his email, I blocked his phone number but not before I texted him to let him know how fully aware I was of his game, what he was up to and could blow up his life if I were to tell his truths. I was mad. I deleted every email, every text, his contact info and started to feel better, instantly. I have done everything right for myself since I left him, except let him in, even in little ways. I've never felt the same about him with the little amounts of contact I've had but I was never fully prepared to let go, for whatever reason. I've made great strides in my life. Every other aspect of my life is solid, together, peaceful and happy. I pay attention to the universe, I pray, I trust where I am at, I am kind, giving, laugh, enjoy myself, not angry anymore, take care of myself. I have a home, I have a new car, I pay my bills, I have hopes and dreams again. He laughed at me for saying he stole my dreams for my life - LAUGHED. I told this 40 year old man I would tell his daddy on him. Because just like he knows my buttons I know his. I knew my threat would send him spinning and I thought it's time for him to spin because there's nothing that means anything more to him than being found out and money. At 40 he's never bought a car, a home, paid for anything because his family does that but if they knew he gambled, even one dime they were done, he was on his own. How selfish of me to use that on him. How cruel. Whatever. I have no intention of ever contacting those people. The people who believe lies, like I believed lies. I thought the threat was fair to make. Nothing hurts him more than being found out for the fake and fraud and liar he is. I don't have to deliver his justice, karma will do that but it was sure nice to know he won't be sleeping tonight. It's sure nice knowing I will be. I'm pretty sure he earned it.

This might be as easy as deciding not to drink, I sure hope it will be. History has not proven me very strong but I feel different, I feel over it. December 16, 2011 I took my last drink. I've never wanted one again. Not a craving, not a slip, not anything. The switch went off and will never come back. This obviously isn't the first time I've felt hatred towards him but it is since I got sober, got away then somewhat sucked back in then devalued again after being used....again. I believe now we're always where we're supposed to be and for whatever reason I had to see this, go through it to close that door and leave it closed. I'm not scared I'll open it although I am scared I'll literally open it and he'll be standing there trying to save his selfish ass. I'll spit on him and close it I think. No words required for that. I am done. Finally, officially done. I have self respect, I am a good woman, a good person and have built a humble but happy life for myself. He adds nothing, I need nothing from him. I thank God everyday for giving me what I need. I'm grateful but apparently I needed to go through this to stop forgiving this scum bag and keep moving forward in my life. Thanks to this forum for letting me send this out to the universe. Thanks to all the wonderful people here who helped me for so long. I wish mine could've been a story of I left and never looked back but I did, I kept repeating the lesson until it was finally learned. 8 years. Am I sorry, nope. I would not be this me. Much stronger, in a much better place, not perfect and still making mistakes without those years, some awful years, those lessons, those memories. I forgive myself for being foolish and pray tomorrow I am still as strong as I feel today.