Has anyone experienced this behavior

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#1 September 5, 2009 - 1:38am
Anonymous (not verified)
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Has anyone experienced this behavior

Below is a post I found on this site. I have added my own experience in ALL CAPS. I would appreciate any feedback~

You Are Merely the Narcissist's "Prey"
Tue, 08/25/2009 - 00:37 — Barbara
by Ava St Clair

The narcissist looks for those who are kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, all characteristics that the narcissist does not possess. It is as if by capturing his prey, the narcissist will somehow be able to drain the victim of her good qualities and make them become his own.

Narcissists do not possess these positive characteristics. Lack of empathy, love and compassion allows the narcissist to conduct his life in an all consuming pattern of controlling behaviour steeped in abuse, lies, and manipulations.

The narcissist is a human enigma to those of us that have encountered him in a personal relationship; a “murderer of souls” full of contradictions.

Initially, the narcissist will take note of the new target’s behaviour. He will carefully study the target’s interactions with others, her body language, tone of voice, and general demeanour. As an expert hunter, he will methodically craft his plan of attack and begin to track his target. The narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements. He will model himself and his behaviour to what he thinks will please his target. He will assume the behaviour of the target’s “perfect man”. The narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner and mate. AFTER WE SEPARATED, MY DAD TOLD ME ONE DAY THAT HE KNOW THIS GUY WAS A LIAR AND TROUBLE RIGHT AWAY. HE SAID THAT HE LEARNED WHAT I LIKED, AND THEN HE LIKED IT TOO. FOR EXAMPLE, I LIKE CATS, HE LIKES CATS, I LIKE BASEBALL, HE LIKES BASEBALL, I GO TO CHURCH, HE GOES TO CHURCH. IN ONE OF THE NUMEROUS HORRIBLE EMAILS THE EX SENT ME WHILE WE WERE SEPARATED WAS THAT HE MADE LOTS OF SACRAFICES TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ME,...HE ALWAYS TURNED OFF THE TV SHOW THAT HE WAS WATCHING WHEN I CAME IN THE ROOM....HE WENT TO CHURCH WITH ME ON SUNDAYS. GEE, FOR SOMEONE WHO CLAIMED TO BE A CHRISTIAN, I DIDN'T KNOW GOING TO CHURCH WAS A SACRAFICE!

Once he has caught the eye of his target, he will move in. The narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that she is special and of course he is too. He will say they were meant for each other because they are different. The narcissist will constantly flatter his target and be very attentive, calling her many times a day, just to say “he” was thinking of her. He will quickly become an important person in the target’s life and she will find herself swept off her feet by this “wonderful, perfect man”.
HE WROTE ME ROMANTIC POETIC EMAILS EVERY DAY WHILE WE WERE DATING AND SOME AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, AS LONG AS I WAS ACTING THE WAY HE WANTED ME TO. WE DIDN'T KIS FOR THE FIRST 3 WEEKS AFTER WE MET. FINALLY ONE DAY IN CHURCH, HE PULLED ME ASIDE ASKED IN GOD'S HOUSE IF I WOULD BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. OF COURSE I SAID YES AND HE KISSED ME IN CHURCH. AFTER WE SEPARATED HE SENT AWFUL EMAILS THAT WERE SO CONFUSING AND HURTFUL. ONE EVEN SAID THAT IF I DIDN'T GET HELP WITH MY PROBLEMS, I WOULD LOSE THE ONE MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD THAT LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS.

Once the narcissist has become totally ensconced in the target’s life and her in his, the role will change for her from target to victim.

The narcissist’s dance of destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. He will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s beliefs about herself and the relationship. What she once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, gut wrenching and unstable. She is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviour of her narcissistic partner.
ON THE AIRPLANE RIDE HOME FROM THE HONEYMOON, HE SAID I WAS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME TALKING TO A MAN IN THE NEXT ISLE. HE POUTED THE WHOLE WAY HOME. A FEW WEEKS LATER HE CAME HOME FROM WORK DEPRESSED AND SAID THAT I WAS NOT THE CHRISTIAN WIFE HE THOUGHT HE WAS AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME ANYMORE.

The narcissist will make plans with his victim and cancel at the last minute. He will talk only of himself, his needs and desires.
HE TALKED CONSTANTLY OF DOING THINGS, TRAVELING, WORKING ON MY PARENTS HOUSE AND WE NEVER DID ANY OF IT. HE TOLD ME I WAS NEVER TO EMBARASS HIM IN PUBLIC AND I COULD ABSOLUTELY NEVER GET ANGRY AT HIM. OH, I COULD GET ANGRY AT A SITUATION, BUT NEVER AT HIM.

If the victim dares to express a personal need, he will instantaneously strike, like a venomous serpent, and harshly remind the victim that his needs are more important. The victim learns all too quickly to speak only of him. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of himself. He will conveniently forget to pay back money he has borrowed from the victim. The narcissist will even go as far as to say that the victim is “too happy” and her happiness is something that he just cannot bear.
WHEN I TOLD HIM NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIS TEENAGER DAUGHTER WHO WOULD NOT RETURN HIS PHONECALLS OR LETTERS, HE SAID I WASN'T LISTENING TO HIM, THAT I DIDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT THERE WAS NO RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE HE WAS DOING ALL THE WORK, AND THEN ACTUALLY FORBADE ME FROM SPEAKING TO HIM ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN.

He will say and do terrible things under the guise that he is not like other people, that he is much more sensitive than most and that he feels so deeply about things in general that it is “difficult” for him to relate to regular people who are not “special” like him.
YES, HE WAS SO ADMIRED AND REVERED FOR THE WORK HE DID. I DIDN'T PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT BEING A TECHNOLOGY CONTRACTOR FOR 30 YEARS AND HAD AT LEAST 40 JOBS. I SEE NOW THAT AS SOON AS HE HAD NO MORE SUPPLY, HE MOVED ON. HE GOT FIRED FROM A JOB RIGHT AFTER WE STARTED DATING AND NEVER DID GIVE ME A REASON. HE SAID THEY NEVER TOLD HIM, BUT MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS SENDING TOO MANY EMAILS TO ME.

The victim becomes less and less of what she used to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration and destruction by the narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. Although the dismantling of the victim was skilfully orchestrated by the narcissist, he will unmercifully criticize the victim for “not being the person” he fell in love with.
WE WERE HAVING A DISCUSSION ONE NIGHT THAT HE CALLED A STATE OF THE HEART. HE STARTED BY SAYING THAT WE COULDNT TALK ABOUT THE FIGHT THAT WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF, BUT I SAID THAT IT WAS HURTING MY HEART AND WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT SO HE AGREED. I SAID THAT I WANTED US TO DO MORE TOGETHER, WE HAD ONLY BEEN MARRIED ABOUT 5 MONTHS AT THIS POINT. THAT I WANTED US TO JOIN A COUPLES BIBLE STUDY, AND THAT I WANTED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS, THAT I NEED WOMAN IN MY LIFE. HE SAID THAT HE WASN'T HEARING ANYTHING THAT MADE HIM HAPPY. THAT HE TOLD ME BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED THAT SCHOOL WAS HIS PRIORITY OTHER THAN THE MARRIAGE AND THAT HE DIDN'T WANT TO COMMIT TO ANYTHING ELSE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR SO WE COULD SPEND THE FIRST YEAR TOGETHER BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS WE SHOULD.

He will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the narcissist and left by the roadside.
AFTER THE THREAT TO HURT ME EMOTIONALLY AND THEN LEAVE ME FOREVER (you can read that story in my first bloG) I LOCKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN HE WENT TO WORK THAT MORNING. HE PROMISED TO GET HELP WITH HIS CONTROLLING, JEALOUS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR BUT WHEN HE CAME BACK FROM HIS THERAPY APPOINTMENT, HE SAID THAT THEY TOLD HIM I HAD OCD AND THAT SINCE I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND HAD ALREADY TALKED ABOUT GOING TO WEAVE, THAT HE SHOULD GET AWAY FROM ME AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. THEN THE STRING OF HURTFUL LYING EMAILS STARTED UP AGAIN. I TOLD HIM TO GIVE ME A MONTH ALONE AND WE COULD TALK AFTER THAT. HE CALLED EXACTLY ONE MONTH LATER AND SAID HE WASN'T TRYING TO GET BACK WITH ME THAT HE FOUND SOMEONE NEW AND THEN HE DISAPPEARED. HE HAD ALREADY RESPONDED TO MY SEPARATION FILING WITH DIVORCE INSTEAD, SO WE ENDED UP DIVORCED ABOUT 10 MONTHS LATER.

November 9, 2017 - 1:15am
CarolineArce
CarolineArce's picture

No, I never experienced this.

Caroline Arce

September 5, 2009 - 7:05am
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hugs4cats

Yes, this is some of what narcissism is all about. Most of us could attach own story and give examples of the N's behavior that is described in the article. Sometimes our stories are so similar, the only big difference is the name of the N. I have found it downright spooky sometimes how my N has said the exact same thing as other N's. After you get past that initial shock, you see it's a lesson in how they operate, which makes it easier to follow. I am not nearly as 'confused' as I was in the beginning, nor do I think it was a lot of my fault like I used to. This has helped me so much in my healing, to realize I was just a supplier to him, not someone he truly cared about and loved. Again, that was very hurtful in the beginning, but another realization that helps you 'back off' from the emotional attachment to them. I still have my moments where I 'feel' I miss him, and think of some of the good times, but I realize my mind is trying to relate that to a normal, healthy relationship which never existed. When that happens, I try to refocus on the bad memories, or read an e-mail that he might have sent me while we were fighting. That always does the trick!
September 5, 2009 - 3:29am
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Deb

While the names do change, the patterns are always the same. Many of us will state “Oh, sounds like you dated/Married the same guy/girl as me!” What this mean is their patterns are always the same and are fixed. Almost like they all read from the same book or went to the same school. No doubt this is the definition of a pathological person. Definitions of 'pathological' Dictionary.com · The American Heritage® Dictionary - (3 definitions) (adjective) 1. Of or relating to pathology. 2. Relating to or caused by disease. 3. Of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and compulsive: a pathological liar. So Deb whenever anyone of us ask your question we always get the same answer which would be a sound and confirmed Yes! Also in a way this confirmation in their pathological nature is also a validation that what you are experiencing and seeing is real and of a matter of fact, not fiction. Whatever a new person joins us and/or other sites dealing with these type of people. Soon after reading and rereading the blogs and articles the lights start to go off in their heads and the pieces also start to fall into place. Of course two reactions will occur. First relief that they aren’t alone and then second the enlightenment and fear truly knowing what one is really dealing with... Hope this helps Deb?
September 5, 2009 - 1:42pm (Reply to #4)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I tend to forget the patten

I tend to forget the patten of my relationship and i forgot i read this in the first week of the break up . This piece sums it up perfectly .At the begining he was all over me , msn every morning and night , he told me how wonderful i was so much so it should have been a red flag to me , like every time we kissed he would just say "beautiful" to me , i mean every time .I did clock it and thought it became a bit meaningless after a while , he was like a record . The slow devalue was just baffling . It was so hard to live with such disaprovel .I lived with guilt and shame until the final D&D . this happened 3 times and im so tired . Yep everyone of us could insert their own experience where you have yours , just diffrent nanes and diffrent places . Peru x
September 5, 2009 - 12:07pm (Reply to #2)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hugs4cats

Yes. We all go through similar experiences, it seems. Not all the same, but certain characteristics are always there in our stories. Try to realize that his going was the best thing for you. I know it's hard right now..but you will see this as truth. You will be a healthier person for it!
September 5, 2009 - 12:26pm (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

same behaviors different Ns

Every N I have known has done this profiling mirroring luring hypnotize & mind control dump when they get bored I posted that article because it is RIGHT ON - we are JUST prey. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck