Is it okay to just "not engage" ?

Wow, my thought is...this is MY LIFE! I agree with everyone who says to be boring. Someone at Al Anon told me to say..."you might be right." when they are hell bent on criticizing and lecturing you...that one statement is very deflating and confusing to them. Why argue with someone who already knows everything?

at one point after hanging up on me he called back and said "I'm willing to consider (my choice in preschools) if you and me are the only ones on the pick up list". (He does not want my family picking our daughter up cuz he know that makes things hard on me). So I said "canyou say that one more time a little louder please?". He hung up obviously aware that I was recording his rediculous request! Ha! Well that got rid of him! OMG I did that to exNH once. When they realize others may be listening or reading their nonsense - AND that's it documented they FREAK OUT and usually run away. PSYCHO-BOY still wants my site with all the truth and the information I could publish (I have more) down!! It's too much for him. Boo Hoo HIGH FIVES for this one grossot and BTW - don't thank me - Sandra Brown, MA wrote that article! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

think aobut telling him that he is too good for you and 'everybody' knows it. Crazy as this seems it isn't crazy to them. they love it! "It is too painful to talk about" is another one that confuses them. Or if you are feeling playful only answer in questions for instance-when he asks "why won't you discuss this or that" you reply, "can you explain that to me"? that confuses them and the shoe is on the other foot.

Oh Lord... those conversations that you come to try to avoid at all costs. I used to think it was a communication problem and that these 3 to 5 hour marathon conversations that really became about being verbally battered and mentally F'd with about 30 minutes into them... I used to think they meant he was invested in the relationship and was just as frustrated as I was. But after awhile, I began to really see the patterns, still lived in some denial as I really hated that this was the truth. Nevertheless, it was undeniable that the conversations always followed the same pattern and that no matter what I said or didn't say, or did or didn't do... they came out the same... I was exhausted, couldn't rest, confused, felt horrible and started to believe that I was a "bad communicater" that way he told me. Disengaging causes them a lot of anger.... because it's all about CONTROL! If they can force you to have the "discussion" they get to have thier stage. Mine like to pontificate and "teach" me for hours while strutting around the room and not actually looking at me while he went on with his monologues. I would sometimes say, "who are you talking to?" If I then tried to chime in I would be ordered "DON'T INTERRUPT ME". When he interrupted me (which he did over and over again) and I would protest, he would call it "interjecting". When I finally started drawing boundries about when I would speak with him or if I would speak with him.... I would get rage, or being followed around room to room or asking me over and over what I was hiding that I wouldn't talk with him. Or nasty e-mails or phone call after phone call. My favorite was his sneering comments about me "always being too busy to have a relationship." ANd mind you, this came from a man who couldn't be bothered to answer my questions in a timely fashion because "I have a life too Sandy. I am a very busy man. The world doesn't revolve around you." So disengaging is a good thing for your mental and emotional wellbeing... but he will definitely make you pay and as long as you know that... and can NOT let him make you feel guilty (because they're very very good at that) you can keep your equilibrium. It's hard... it's very hard. ANd I think the reason is because we're NORMAL and feel like we're being rude to handle it this way. Under NORMAL circumstances it might actually be rude.... However, under NORMAL circumstances we could have the conversation with another person and something would actually get resolved or at least expressed and people could go on with their day. I don't know if that helps you really... but maybe just hearing that we all have been there will ease it for you just a little bit. :)

He's furious that you won't have a discussion? Of course he is. Aww, poor baby, you're depriving the Master. It's like cutting off his air supply. He must have that continuous attention to survive. You are starving him. I say GOOD for you!