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Once bitten --are we ever safe again?

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#1 Jun 29 - 8PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Once bitten --are we ever safe again?

I have been in a relationship with an N for 7 years, 5 of which have been cycling between him putting me on a pedestal, devaluing and then discarding. I have tried NC before, and gone as long as 6 months.

During the initial No Contact phase I always feel relieved and empowered. It is a wonderful feeling to be in control again. Over time, however, I start to feel lonely and sometimes despair. IT IS NOT RATIONAL..

I am determined to make this NC my last and to get him out of my life forever. I have been thinking a lot about why I keep going back to a man that I know I could NEVER have a life with.

After several months go by, he always finds a way to worm his way back into my life, and this is usually at the point where I am getting back on my feet and starting to feel independent. I think he plans it this way, and it makes him feel very powerful when he succeeds. Things are good for a short while, until the next D&D

The absolute hardest part about No Contact is the emptiness and lonely feelings I have sometimes. I have realized something very important this time, though, and it is this:

* The reason I feel empty is because the relationship demanded I lose myself in order to please him-- I lost myself piece by piece. When we disconnected and he was no longer in my life, he was gone and so was the person I had been before. It was a double whammy.... if felt like there was nothing left inside me--neither him or me. Isn't that sad? I had started to define myself by what I had become for him--HIS FOOD!

*It is better to feel lonely by myself and maintain my dignity. I was always lonely and feeling like something was missing when I was with "N", plus I had lost my dignity by always turning the other way and glossing over his lies, bad behavior and betrayals, and doing things that were against my nature--NOT BEING TRUE TO MYSELF..I was living my life in conflict and by denying my own needs, eventually becoming anxious and physically ill.

As the days go by, I have started to become involved in my own life again, my career, my friends, and my family. As I fill up my life with ME, I no longer feel so empty and understand the feelings of despair I have without him have nothing to do with loving him, but more about learning to love ME again. This is an important part of the healing process.

I MUST REPLACE "ALL ABOUT HIM", WITH ALL ABOUT ME..

I feel for every one of you struggling with No Contact. I know how hard it is, a powerful force you can not see, always lurking and waiting for your defenses to be down-- living every day with the temptation to call him, send an e-mail, see him....

I wonder if once bitten by the "N", are we ever safe again?

Jun 30 - 6AM
grossot
grossot's picture

Debra

"The reason I feel so empty is that the relationship Demanded I lose myself to please him-i lost myself piece by piece." This speaks volumes to me. Thank you, Debra for writing this. Although I am finding myself bit by bit, I find myself thinking "what would N say about (fill in the blank with something I've just done). I'm anxiously awaiting the day when I don't question every decision I make. He made the final decision in every aspect of our life together. To the point where now that he's holding all our marital assets hostage from me I look at the appraisal list and realize. None of it was mine anyways even though I helped buy it. If he wanted he got it. If I wanted it it was put on the backburner. He never had any intention of letting me get new countertops or tile. But he got his king size bed (the full size was too small for the poor thing to share with a pregnant woman!). He got his video games (when I took the wii out of the house he called and said 'why did you take the wii, you know that was a gift to me, I said 'from who?' He said 'from myself'). In reality we had bought the wii together for something we could both enjoy together-his idea and words. Oh well let him have his toys. I'm asking for half the value. He's the idiot that had the possessions appraised (even had the appraiser come to my house and appraise what I took I a 4000 dollar vehicle and 20 dollars worth of scrapbooking material). I know his biggest fear is shelling out the bucks (unless its for a toy for him). So materialistic. Don't know how I got off on this subject but it felt good to write it anyway. Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

Jun 29 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Debra

I love what you say when you say "I have to replace All About Him with All About Me." This is so true. You need to start taking care of yourself. Do not let him worm his way back in your life again. You are not his mother. You are not responsible for taking care of him. Take care of yourself and you will be happy on your own. Being independent is a great feeling, but first you have to get yourself to that point by spending time alone with yourself. Getting to know yourself again. Once you do, you'll be so grateful for the fact that you can do whatever you want with your time whenever you want and no one can tell you what to do. Stay strong! Big Hugs, Lisa
Jun 29 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

safe

you are as safe as you make yourself. educate yourself. get the book HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN and the workbook - then do them. You will be safe but it takes a lot longer than being away from "just a jerk" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 29 - 8PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I hope so

I really hope we can be safe again. And what you just wrote is so exactly how I feel. I haven't even gone a few days really. I'm waiting for him to show up on Wednesday to the closing when I refinance... and until that actually happens, I'm afraid he will do something to screw it up. But after that... I need to cut it off. I imagine he'll make it easy for me at first by cutting me off to prove a point of how much "wrong I've done him". But I've been getting back together with friends lately and getting better rest (except for the nightmares) and I feel weak a lot wanting to call him, or not even really wanting to, more like it's a habit and I check my phone all the time to see if he's called, etc. I expect it to be very hard, but I'm trying to learn from everybody here about how important it will be.
Jun 30 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Debra (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The bad habit (finallydone)

I know what you mean about that weak feeling that you are going to break down and call him. Doesn't make much sense, does it, esp. when you know you will be more miserable afterward. Like there's someone else inside making you do it. I think it's part of the mind-control/brainwashing that they did to us. Every time you get that weak feeling, instead of contacting him, find something else to do-- I've started signing onto this web site when I get that feeling. All I need to do is read a little of the content, and that "need" instantly vanishes..
Jun 30 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

Salvation on the web

I agree. This web site has saved me from my "obsessive thoughts" about my ex N so many times. And helped me maintain perspective. It's been 6 months of NC and I still find myself thinking about him way too much But as time trudges on, I think more negatively about him and I think that's a good thing. Still have intrusive dreams and all that. But it's getting less and less. It's a process but we're all making progress. Before I even knew what Narcissism was, when I was with my first N, I kept telling him I didn't even recognize myself anymore. It was the first time in my life I felt that way and I was really scared. It's such a horrible feeling to lose yourself. But once we do, I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is just take your time and reconnect with yourself. Some times I actually find myself feeling really peaceful on a Sat. night alone when I can just spread out on my couch with my dog and cat and watch any damned movie I feel like watching. Don't have consider the crazy N's preferences. It's a good feeling.