Both of us married, but I fell for him anyway

The stories here are so similar to mine it's eerie!

My N and I met -- or reconnected, I guess, since we knew each other decades prior -- at a high school reunion. Afterward, he contacted me on LinkedIn. He had mentioned at the reunion that he might need me to do some freelance work for his fledgling company. He is married and so am I.

Contact stayed professional for about two minutes. Then we met for a "business dinner" that ended with a heavy makeout session in his car. Over our 6-year relationship -- on and off over that period -- it was nearly only an online relationship. And the rare times we met up, we usually only made out. Except for the two blowjobs I gave him in his car. I wasnt embarrassed that first time I gave him one -- until he reacted like he was going to have a heart attack if he didn't get away from me.

Over the years, he would write the most salacious messages or have the dirtiest phone sex (sexting, phone sex and video sex were all things I never imagined myself doing EVER!) but kept saying he couldn't do more in real life because he felt so much guilt. He would say he was brought up to believe in marriage, and his parents raised him to be loyal. What a laugh.

After years of being together, I gave him the first blowjob and he nearly pushed me out of his car when it was over. It was totally f-ed up. He said his "guilt" took over. But he didn't seem very guilty when he was getting off.

Then I didn't see him for 6 months. But we kept messaging and talking (relatively rarely) on the phone. He only called me thru Facebook Messenger--that way calls wouldn't show up on the Verizon bill.

Altogether, we met in person maybe a dozen times. Sometimes for just 45 minutes to talk, the longest for a few hours. At one point last year--after the second blowjob-- I told him he needed to reciprocate sexually. I told him he left me "soooo frustrated." I thought he would find that hot. Apparently, he took it as criticism because he started the pullback. The "I've been super busy with work." The "I'm just seeing your message now" after I messaged him the day or days before.

The first time we got together six years ago, he asked me if I'd "ever done this before." I looked at him like he had two heads. It was such an odd question to me. Of course I had not. My marriage is challenging but I never stepped over the line ever. He swept me off my feet at that reunion. And he kept messaging me afterward. Over and over and over. Longer and longer texts. How did I stay so fit? How did I look so young? I was so funny. I was so hot. I made him smile just thinking of me. He felt so alive because of me. Trust me, he knew what to say to hook me good.

After several months, he told me he loved me via a text. I read that on my phone and felt lightheaded. It took me a couple of months more before I told him I loved him, too. Big mistake. The first of many pullbacks began wet soon after.

I guess he knew he had me. And that's when the weirdness started. I could see his green chat light on Messenger but he wouldn't reply. Or we'd finish a a FB chat but his light would remain on -- even tho he would have ended our conversation by saying he was tired and had an early day the next day. If I questioned it, he'd say, "I had my phone off but left the app open." Which wasn't how Messenger worked. Regardless, it was weird.. and it never happened until I said the L word.

Another thing that occurred to me early on: he was a very, very good kisser. Yet he only has been with his wife since high school. I knew them both in high school. (Yes, I crushed on him back then. And I told him so.) But anyway, when I told him what an amazing kisser he was and asked him (sort of lustily, sort of for real) where he learned to kiss like that, he said, "It's us. We kiss like that. We're so into it, we make it incredible." And I was like, "No, you're REALLY good. Like SOO good."
Like, not what you'd expect from a guy who didn't date anyone before his wife, who he's been with for decades.

Btw, when things went south as they tended to do, and I'd be asking why did he ignore me, why did he give me the silent treatment, why did he let things become such a mess, he'd say, "WE made this mess." He liked saying "we" at kind of odd times.

And those times he'd be taking so long to reply to me during chats were so infuriating, I'd ask if he was busy or if I should let him go. And he'd say, "No, the wifi is just slow. You're messages are just coming in slow." Then after a while, he'd see them
And reply normally. I once asked him if he was messaging someone else while he was messaging me, and he said no. But the delay was exactly as long as if he was messaging other people.

Another time, after a five-month breakup, we got back together and I could see his green Messenger light was always on at the same time as another mutual friend of ours. His would also go off the same time as her's. I saw this happen for a few weeks and then I said something. Next thing I knew, their lights we NEVER on at the same time ever again. I felt and still feel sure they just went to another messaging platform like Skype. He used Skype with me for a while also--he had at least theee different Skype accounts.

When I accused him later that year of having a thing with this other woman, he told me I was making up complete fiction, that they never messaged each other, that he wasn't even sure how he knew her.... I know I sound like a crazy person, especially considering I'm married. It's pathetic and absurd. Yet I was extremely jealous of this other woman. But I wasn't jealous of his wife.

He told me one time that women threw themselves at him. When I asked who, he'd say, "Just women from my town." Another time, on one of the rare times we got together, I mentioned a cute FB photo of his son. He said he told his son that the woman that posted it was "the hottest mom on Facebook." I was like, "First of all, that's something you say to your son?? That's kind of weird. And then you say it to me?? Wtf?" And he was like, "She's dumb as dirt, though. You're smart AND pretty." See the manipulation? But I still was skeptical -- and jealous. And now I've learned narcissists like to foster jealousy to keep us off kilter.

PS-- I never was jealous in any other relationship before. If I dated someone and suspected something, I got to the bottom of it or dumped them and never looked back. But with him, I'd get jealous and right when I'd be dumping him, he'd say he was sorry that he wasn't "consistent" with replies or meeting me when he said he would because he wasn't "good at this" (playing the role of a boyfriend), he felt guilty, his wife was in the hospital, his mom was in the hospital, his son was in rehab, he was starting a new job... always a reason why he would break plans, get me to blow up, punish me by giving me the silent treatment and then make me seem unreasonable for "not understanding."

I could go on and on. Sorry if this is a jumbled post. I spent years carrying on with him and making a fool of myself. I should never have done it to begin with. But to have gone back over and over... it's like I have a mental problem.

This time, this break up... it kind of started in February, when I messaged him about something and he just didn't reply. For a week. I finally contacted him a week later and he said, "Oh, I didn't know you wanted me to reply." But it wasn't normal to just not communicate for a week. Then in March, it happened again, where he ignored a message. But we got together. It was horrible. We had talked about getting drinks and dinner but when we met, he complained of being tired and hungry and didn't want to have dinner like we planned -- because he was so tired! So we just walked to the train station. I asked him to drive me to my town, and looked forward to at least kissing him for awhile. But he gave me one kiss and said he "really just needed to get home." I was so hurt. I hadn't seen him for three months and this get together was getting colder and emptier by the minute.

He dropped me off near my house at the curb and when I turned to say goodbye, he was already turned around and tearing down the street. I messaged that I'd call him to keep him company on his ride home and he said, "No. Have a work call."

I had just been with him, it was 8:30 at night And he had said nothing about work. Then the next day I wrote to tell him I loved seeing him, couldn't wait to see him again and wished him a good weekend (we NEVER talked on the weekends--his rule), And his reply was, "U2, bye."

And THAT'S when that sick feeling started. I wrote him a note saying I thought he could have written a little more considering... and that his reply seemed rude. I got no reply that Friday night even though Messenger showed he saw the message. And I got no reply until the following Tuesday.

I thought maybe he just needed space. So I asked if he wanted time off for a break? He readily said yes. I asked for how long -- a week, two weeks, a month? He said a month. I felt ill and cried so hard when we hung up that my eyes were swollen for the rest of the day.

After the month was up, I contacted him to see if we could talk. We scheduled a time to talk -- and I was so looking forward to our call after waiting all that time -- and he told me it was over. I was shocked. I was incredulous. I was totally not believing anything he said.

It took a subsequent texting session and another phone call for me to "get it."

I know I need to stay away. It's been No Contact since May 10, when I sent him a long note (that he completely ignored) telling him where I thought maybe things went wrong, how we could work on things since he'd told me he was in this "for the long haul" and that loved me more than his wife. And I told him I'd always be there for him. All ignored.

I have felt like dying many times since this ended, since that day at the end of April when he called to tell me he was going to concentrate on his marriage & family -- a line he's trotted out a few of times before. Always followed up with, "And maybe we can just be friends if you're okay with that."

Of course, how could I argue with his noble reason? I'd have to be a real jerk to fight him on that. I mean, I tried to argue it a little but he told me it was useless, he'd made his decision and I needed to move on. He said this with zero emotion.

Meantime, that other woman I mentioned -- the one who I suspected of having a thing with him? She rejoined FB in February.

Yes, I'm married. Yes, he's married. Yes, I have a nerve being upset and depressed. Yes, I made my own bed. But I do feel like I was pursued. Heavily. And then once he had me, I was discarded. Then lured and discarded again and again. And because I'm married, I have no one to talk to about this horrible, wretched situation I put myself in and have to recover from. What an idiot I am.