getting out's story

Is There Life After a Narcissitic Marriage?

I have been married for 25 years to a self-absorbed, egotistic, passive-aggressive narcissist who told me on my birthday he no longer loves me and is leaving me. We have 3 children--two of whom he quit parenting about 6 years ago--and the youngest whom he adores. She is just becoming a teen so she has not yet defied him as the other two older kids have done.

For 25 years I have lived under the delusion that marriage was a partnership--give and take. He has been fired from several jobs, started (and failed at) his own business and is now working for the state for the past several years. I have gone from working full time to having kids and staying home (until he lost job after job and ran through all of our savings with his own company). In the guise of partnership, I went back to work full time. 8 years ago, I was laid off from my job and my husband was busy running through all our savings for his failed venture. I was on my way out the door for a very important interview for a job that paid well. My husband refused to say good luck, knock 'em dead or anything encouraging. I was scared to death we were going to lose everything if I did not find a job...he, after all, did not feel he needed to quit what he was doing and get a real job.
Years later I have become successful--very successful. Last year I was sought out by three companies and took my dream job.

My husband quit talking to me. Quit having sex with me. Quit relating to me. With each success I have had, he has further distanced himself. My success has enabled us to pay back our debts and put our kids through college even though he has declared that we should not help pay for the kids' college because he can't afford it.

Never mind that in those hard, hard, lean, lean years, he bought a new truck and took a boys trip to the Caribbean and to Florida. He bought an $800 shotgun to go hunting (and lied about it). He buys his clothing at Nordstroms. In the meantime, I was buying clothing at the Goodwill; looking for toys at garage sales; cutting coupons; coloring my hair at home, etc., etc.

Where's the fairness? Not with Mr. N. I am angry, hurt and resentful. But I can't wait to end this living hell. I am fearful he is going to try and take the lions share of the savings and retirement... that's right, I have put $60K away in the last 4 years and he has put $5K away for retirement.

Sadly, it is the kids I feel sorry for the most. I hate that I did not have the courage to leave him. My oldest daughter three years ago looked me squarely in the eye and asked me why I stayed married to him.

Now, he is about to pull the floor out from under all of us and I will be left holding the bag and picking up the pieces. Our youngest adores her dad; the oldest (a son) just wants his father's attention; and our oldest daughter wants nothing to do with him.

I am afraid of being on my own. I am 51 years old and will have all the responsibilities. He told me last night that he wants 50% of all of our assets but will not be able to provide 50% child support. In fact, he said he most of that will have to fall on my shoulders.

I am kicking myself for being such a fool all these years. I have squandered my beauty and youth on this jack ass.