I think he may be a Narcissist

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#1 Mar 4 - 4AM
Loving You Anyway
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I think he may be a Narcissist

I am new to this website. A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought my husband of 23 years was a Narcissist. I have been researching about what a Narcissist looks like but I am still unsure. He definitely has qualities but not all. I'm hoping that by writing my story, maybe someone can give me some insight to what I may be dealing with. Is a Narcissist or just a Lying Cheating Ass-Hole. Our story is long and because I don't know what is relevant, I will try to keep it concise. So here it goes.

I have been married for 23 years. I can honestly look back and say it as it hasn't all been bad, but there were many more dark days than sunshine for me. We had a whirlwind romance. It was 7 months from the time we met to the time we got married. As we were dating I remember little things like if I didn't wear something he liked he was not shy to let me know. He would passive aggressively comment and make me feel self conscious. I would eventually put on what he wanted me to wear. To this day I NEVER wear red lipstick or any bright colored lipstick because he doesn't like it. The looks and under the breath comments aren't worth it to me to endure. I look good in neutrals too:)

Once we were married things started to slowly change. He became more controlling and critical with me, but everyone always says that the first year is an adjustment. I was young and naive. He would always joke he saw potential in me and that he married me young so he could mold me into the perfect wife. I always laughed it off, but I think he may actually been serious!

Once we had kids there was a drastic change. Things were less about him and more about the babies. He did not like that at all. And he punished me for it. That is when he had his first affair. The elaborate lies and stories that went into hiding it from me were shameful. I had 2 babies that were 15 months apart. He did nothing to help. I don't think he changed 1 diaper. He always told me he wasn't a baby person. He traveled for a living so that made it easy for him to cheat on me. If that wasn't enough of a slap in the face, he would comment on me not losing the baby weight fast enough. He would literally compare me to the woman he was having an affair with. Of course I didn't know he was having the affair with her at that point. But it made me feel so awful. He would also call me cruel names which he knew would hurt me and "motivate" me. I would eventually start literally running my ass off. When I confronted him about my suspicions about the affair, he would tell me I was acting irrational. I must be hormonal. He could always explain away everything which left me feeling crazy and paranoid.

This is just how our marriage operated. He did whatever he wanted and I let him. If I played by these rules and stayed compliant things wouldn't escalate and I wouldn't get yelled at or belittled. Three years ago I found out that he was currently involved in a 12 year relationship with yet another woman. For the last 12 years he had been leading a double life right under my nose. This part is a very intricate story. I won't go into it all now, but for information sake...The fact that he could keep this a secret for all these years took a lot of time, hiding, lies, planning, and no guilt. How could he have done this without feeling the least bit remorse. I was at home raising our kids alone since he traveled for "work" or whatever he was doing, every week. I loved being a mom and knowing he was out there making a living for us I was happy to handle things at home so he could be proud of my contributions. Of course, I could never live up to his scrutiny. If I am being honest with myself, during most of our whole marriage I have been verbally and emotionally abused by someone I have given my whole heart and life to.

I found out 3 years ago as much of the truth about the extra marital relationship, as he was going to give me. I had the smoking gun and there was no denying anything anymore. Since then things have been slightly better, but I am still subject to his ultimatums and tantrums, although not as frequent. I have caught him in a few lies and finally just told him that if there are anymore omissions of the truth, lies, or manipulations, he would be seriously jeopardizing our reconciliation, because I was growing really tired of his bullshit. But he kept pushing the envelope. A few months ago I caught him in another big lie and it was at that point things changed for me. I don't trust him, and as much as I do love him, I am not IN love with him. He acts like he doesn't hear me when I say this, but I am brutally honest with him.

As far as the behaviors I have read about Narcissists, there are a couple things he doesn't do. He doesn't ever give me the cold shoulder. If anything he hates when things get too quiet. That means that I am thinking and trying to put things together. He doesn't want me thinking too much or putting anything together. He has never really taken off for days at a time because he is mad. Anytime he leaves he is traveling for work.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Mar 6 - 4AM
lemonberry17
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I am obviously not a