It was on my birthday.

N was a really close friend of a trusted and close friend of mine who was leaving the country soon, so there was plenty of socializing going on to make up for lost future time. This N and I became fast and amazingly connected friends over the course of about 8 months prior to the fated moment that started this whole twisted story that I'm about to tell. N had married a man she had been living with for over a decade only one short year prior (almost to the day) we first met each other for the first time - but didn't make much mention of that event or speak of him much - which struck me as odd. Our mutual friend knew him well, so any concerns I had got dismissed in my mind. He travelled a lot for work, so I understood she found herself able to hang out with friends regularly. We could talk seriously, be sad, be happy, or make jokes about anything as friends. There was no pressure, or judgement. We were two mature female adults with no history of conflict or preconceived ideas about each other enjoying time spent connecting emotionally thru a common confidant as new close friends often do. It seemed so safe, innocent, and meant to be. It was as if we could read each other's minds and hearts, and I felt like the luckiest person on earth to have found such a cherished friendship with someone of the same or greater business, travel, fashion, arts, and intellectual interests as mine ... who was easy to hang out with because she was married to someone who wouldn't get threatened by her spending time away when he was busy out of town. She too, had to travel for business, but less frequently in these few years that we got connected.
I am/was a fairly closeted lesbian due to my profession, my own pension for privacy, and the political and cultural climate where I live. I had zero interest in a love relationship after the horror stories I'd lived thru in my very few love connections to N's (unknown) prior. I didn't know what a Narcissist was, and frankly was too busy to even think about my past to find out. I'd been single and untouched by physical or emotional affection for over 9 years accept for a few horrible mishaps that I'd quickly appropriately and mutually ended. I was comfortably numb and satisfactorily occupied in my life ... merely interested in friendship over dinner and a singular cocktail a few times a week at a gay bar where I knew I wouldn't get questioned or sought after by men who took offense to me being single and so private about my life ... men who knew how to share a good laugh and keep good boundaries. I wanted safe friends whom I could share everything with in honesty and not be judged, outed, or misunderstood ... and to my delight, I was convinced I'd finally found one that had so much more in common with me than others that I was thrilled to spend time with her, and those feelings were seemingly mutual.
It was my birthday. I missed a call and then received an immediate text at just before 9:00pm. "Happy Birthday my dear friend! On my way home from the function, are you up? Wanna meet me for a birthday bevy (drink)?" My heart bubbled over with childish excitement to end the day with a good laugh on the first day of this last year of my thirties with my best and funnest friend. I retired myself from the dinner party that was ending and met her there. Our fabulous male friends at this local gay bar walked up to us with glowing compliments and cheek kisses. "You ladies are so sweet, elegant, and gorgeous ... if I were straight I'd be in trouble". We laughed heartily as he whisked away and she leaned in slowly to rest her elbow on the bar as she turned to me gently, almost as if to vulnerably melt her joyously tired and surrendered life energy into the bar and toward me, her eyes flickering with a depth of emotion I'd never seen before, and she whispered carefully "if I were gay ... I would be with you." We stared into each other's eyes as if time and the universe had completely stopped for a moment. I turned my face away to my drink and laughed aloud nervously as if to give us both the option of letting that be a continuation of the man's kind joke. I looked back to her for the escape route from that loaded statement. She had heartfelt tears welled up in her eyes and was holding tightly to her draped posture over the bar to shield her emotions from the patrons in the seats both behind and in front of her. Her mascara lines glistened and her blush and foundation make-up was vaguely present over her red nose and cheeks at this point of the long busy day. She was breathtakingly, vulnerably, bravely, and glowingly beautiful to me in that moment ... and will always be forever. I reached over and put my hand gently on her lower back (completely out of character for me) and whispered gently "the feelings couldn't BE any more mutual ... (pregnant pause and long caring eye contact) ... but you're married". She responded through sobs "I've been avoiding telling you for months now. I can't get you out of my mind. I have to be careful how often I mention your name. I love you as much as I love my husband and I don't know what to do with it all."
And THAT is where it all started. The best birthday gift of vulnerable genuine love I thought I'd ever received or receive. She had turned over a key in my soul that over the following 12 months she nurtured and fed with words of affection, attention, late night calls and texts, a passion reportedly unfamiliar to her, deep compassion, adoration, respect, common interests and kindness like I had never known. I had (and still feel I have) finally found the love of my life. Her message about her husband only ever once was "Don't tempt me" when I said I could only hope for divorce if that's what she wanted. Her husband was a jerk. Any man who meets a friend (me) for the very first time doesn't turn to his wife at the start of the meal by saying "put that away and eat your fxxxing food" loudly at a public restaurant/bar. He often made lewd sexually loaded comments about her publicly that made me cringe although she seemed unaffected. Another pointed message she said told me was "none of this will ever be in writing", and apart from short vague texts and texted love song links, she followed her word with that. I, however, didn't. But I was always respectful of her husband despite my dislike for him. We were never even remotely physical although she invited and encouraged it. That was my line in the sand. But we were clearly involved in an intense emotional relationship. I showered her with words of love, support, and affection hoping she was making a decision.
The devalue/discard was horrible. I was told by her in anger that I "duped" her and "charmed" her, that I was a lesbian predator, a control freak, overly sensitive, always the victim, and mentally and emotionally unstable when she started to inexplicably and without warning ignore my texts, calls, and emails. She sat on my porch in the candlelight about 4 months into the charade and told me all the beautiful characteristics she adored about me as she sobbed through those loving words, and then ended by saying that she was never leaving her husband. But, never once apologized to me for hurting me or leading me on despite my pleas for her to apologize to save the friendship and make way for forgiveness. We finally made a mutual pact to stay away from each other with no contact for 90 days to break the "spell" of love and then reconnect as friends after ... we made this plan as we were returning on the road trip from dropping our friend off at the airport to leave the country (our poor friend knew and knows nothing of what happened between us to avoid exposing it to the husband). We decided that the tears, loss, and longing would correspond with the loss of our mutual friend so the husband and our friends wouldn't think anything of it. When it was time to reconnect, she intermittently ignored me despite our promise to each other to always remain friends. Soon after, she suffered illness that required a risky surgery, and agreed to meet with me days before and hugged me so long and tightly whispering to me how much she loved me. When the surgery was completed she had her husband text me and refused to ever see me again unless surrounded by people who seemed to look at me suspiciously. She told things to her mother and friends that made them turn against me without me knowing until I would innocently reach out and get ignored and/or attacked. Meanwhile, telling me privately that we would have to do damage control with her mother together some day. That day never came, along with many conversations I begged to have with her, despite my pleas. She selfishly continued however to show up at "my" bar regularly and collect the compliments and attention from the unknowing men I had introduced her to that nurtured her in friendship not knowing what was happening. I stopped going to the bar because she started telling them how hard it was to be my friend as I wanted something from her she couldn't give me. Some of them judged me, and didn't understand my disheveled sorrow and depression. They dismissed me as well. I became a hermit ... and 3 years later I can tell the story without breaking down to nothing. I have no reason to trust love nor do I ever intend to. I have returned to my content comfortable isolated numbness having only dreamt of the love and affection I am convinced I deserved/deserve. It doesn't diminish my value, but I care not take the risks involved with finding it ever again. That experience literally ripped out and shredded slowly a part of my soul. I know now that I am a magnet for narcissists ... a term I knew nothing of years before ... and someone who will NEVER give someone an opportunity to get close enough to hurt me that way ever again.