ontheroadtorecovery's story

FINALLY DIVORCING AFTER 25 YEARS

I read several stories and want to add my own sad one. I'm finally escaping, after 25 years of an unhappy marriage.

He was brilliant, witty, talented, creative, and we shared a love of the outdoors. Always a little unsure of myself, and a people pleaser, I was the perfect person for him. He even gave me an engagement ring without getting ANY input about what I liked or wanted. I always disliked the ring because it reminded me that he didn't care what I wanted in a ring. I quit wearing it years ago.

About two years into the marriage, and after our first child, I started realizing that he had a problem with porn. I would catch him over and over with porn, not soft porn, either. Magazines and then the Internet. I noticed that much of it was more male oriented than female over the years. No matter what I said, or the fights we had, I continued to catch him hiding his addiction. When a counselor suggested he go to a porn addiction group, he refused to go again and said he didn't have an addiction.

He was addicted to anything that piqued his intellectual, creative OR sexual interest. If he wanted a new plant, he got the plant, even if we couldn't afford groceries for the family. If he wanted it, he got it. He was totally undisciplined with money and a credit card, and yet would turn around tell our kids that "Mom can't manage her money."

Yes, I always had to work, in part, so he could spend it all.

He was always smarter than others, more talented, etc. He was fired from two teaching jobs and non-renewed for two others in his career. It was NEVER his fault. He always made someone mad, and always managed to rub people the wrong way. He refused to respect his administrators and take their suggestions because, to him, they were always idiots.

I made the sad mistake of raising two kids with him, and they are kind of messed up. They got the best of him AND the worst of him - the talents and brains, but some of his personality disorder. He was interested in developing them as little geniuses and accomplished musicians, but not as people. He taught over daughter endless things about science, but nothing about getting along with people or fitting in the world. She developed trichotillomania by fourth grade. She is brilliant, talented, and I suspect also a narcissist. My son has severe social anxiety, is very talented, has few friends, and can't get a job. I fear for their futures.

I've battled depression for years, and felt like I was crazy and I had screwed up my kids. He always managed to convince me that my suspicions were unfounded and that our family was just fine, even though I always knew that something was VERY wrong, even though I couldn't figure out what it was.

I did notice the lack of empathy for others and his lack of interest in our children unless it was something to make HIM look good (winning the science fair, playing in the youth symphony, or following along while he pursued his interests.

He got a masters degree and training from Julliard, and then was fired from his last teaching job, probably ending his career. He told everyone in the universe about going to Julliard, though. I even saw on his resume that he claimed to have gotten a BA from there, which was NOT true. He brought back sweatshirts, bumper sticks, mugs, everything he could to hand out showing off that HE went to Julliard. It wasn't even a real degree; it was a special certificate program.

I got him lying millions of times in our marriage, but he always managed to turn it around on me, or convince me that I misunderstood, or something. He never apologized and only once or twice ever admitted he was wrong, even when backed into a corner.

When I would try to leave, he would convince me that I would DESTROY our children and they would never recover. He would emotionally blackmail me with such things and I would stay. He tried the suicide thing shortly before I actually filed, and I did it anything. Wonder of wonders, he's still alive.

I continued to wonder why I was miserable, why I no longer knew who I was, why I felt worthless and used up, and why I need anti-depresssants and pain pills to numb the pain of my life.

Oh yes, a ne'er do well, he dreamed all his grandiose plans about how his talents would one day pay off and make us rich. Well, we're 50-something now with no money, in perpetual credit card debt, and I'm the only one in the family working (one is in college full-time, the other part-time, but can't seem to land a job).

I spent YEARS agonizing about feeling like I needed to leave to save myself, and not doing it. It consumed my mind. I was so torn between wanting to keep the family together, but knowing that something was wrong, very wrong, in this marriage. We stopped being intimate a long time ago, especially when, in one vulnerable, truthful moment (in all those years), I FINALLY got him to admit that he's bisexual, but not gay. I got a key logger to track him posting on gay porn sites, singles porn sites, etc. He always claimed that he never acted on it and therefore, it wasn't being unfaithful. He would usually claim that he hadn't done any of that in a long time, or sometimes deny that he was ever in the porn site.

I was lied to, deceived, and mistreated, and too much of a doormat, too afraid of hurting the family, that I LET him do it to me. Sometimes I hated him so much I would wish he'd die.

When I filed for divorce, he told me that showed just how little I cared and how little empathy I had doing that to HIM, after the whole world had crapped on HIM (his words). I said, I'm not doing this to hurt you, I'm doing this to save me. Sadly, he doesn't care. He really can only care about himself, but even that, he doesn't do well.

He doesn't keep himself clean or nice and is unkempt. But his pride is in the appearance of being the most intellectual, talented, witty, creative person around. As a church leader, he was incensed at me when I told another church elder that our teenage son was an atheist. That ruined his little facade of he and his family being Godly, and using his musical talents to praise God. Oh yes, he's the worship leader. It makes him look good.

Until I can get some money in the divorce settlement, I'm still in the same house, and it's still our "starter home," because he has so many beautiful plants in his yard that he could never sell the house. Even though we had tiny bedrooms, a tiny kitchen, and we outgrew the space years ago. He refused to sell because it was never the "right timing." Well, I'm leaving this house I never liked, and which he never maintained (he never maintins anything except what he's interested in) to him soon, and hope to buy something that I want. He can remarry his plants!

I didn't even know what had happened to us/to me, really, until I listened to Dr. Berman on the Oprah Channel do the program on narcissism. I started reading this web site, and others, and realized after all these miserable years that I had been married to a mentally ill person. I can't thank her enough for opening my eyes and removing any shred of doubt about divorcing.

Oh, BTW, he has steadily refused to say the word divorce, discuss anything about it, make plans, or even acknowledge it. He is in contempt of court for not filing his financials with the court. I prevented my lawyer from throwing him in jail. The lawyer told me he couldn't imagine how I put up with his extreme passive-aggressiveness for all those years! Really! I guess he just can't imagine that I've found my voice again, and a backbone, to walk away from him. And that he can no longer CONTROL ME. He can't control the kids anymore, either, and shows little interested in them as young adults. They aren't his little toys anymore to manipulate.

I truly thought I was going crazy, and that something was wrong with ME for years. He blamed problems on me for lack on intimacy (I was so disgused by his porn and lack of hygiene that I did lose interest) and accused me of emotional abuse in our marrage. Oh yes, he told ME I emotionally abused our children, also. Now I know who really did that part, and it wasn't me.

I carry enormous guilt and shame that I ws so gullible and weak, and let him mess up our two children, also. I can't fix him, I can't fix them, and I can't fix the past. Very soon, though, I'll be fixing ME. That's all I can do, and pray that my children seek help for themselves to overcome the damage.

I should have mentioned that he hurried me into marrying him after a year. Had I help off a little longer, I think I would have discovered the pathological lying and the porn, and I believe I would have run the other way. I didn't find out soon enough.

If you meet a marcissist, get away fast, And don't have children with him or her. Your entire family will be dysfunctional and you won't even know WHY. I'm here to testify.

I plan to seek professional counseling and am currently in a divorce recovery program through a church. Thanks for sharing your stories, fellow victims, and thanks for listening to my long-winded one. I read others in here that could have been written by me. Most of us could write a book, I'm sure, about all that we've been through with our NP. Good luck to all of you in your quest to break free.