Sharing my Narc story

I actually did not want to go on this website tonight I did not want to share my story I did not want to have to put the words down about the ending of my relationship with my narc . However, after reading the path forward I realized that I have to force myself to face the pain that I feel . I continue to hope putting this down in words will help me . I was thinking about this relationship with him all day and there was so much more that I needed to get down. I still feel like I am baffled by his blatant disregard of me and how he supposedly felt about me . I do understand however that he actually never truly felt any way about me as Narcs are in capable of that , yet it's still hard to comprehend I'll go I'm trying to . I think about all the time in the last four years where we would break up because I had had enough of this crap and I would be fine with that and he would have to go and attach himsrlf to someone else. It was never other women , it with his 23 Old son first then it was 28 year old nephew, then but it was one of the workers that is 22.. He didnt care who..he just had to have a cheering section all day..he would nit give a shit less about me if he did something rotten because he had one of them to go home to and hang out with...i think of all the times i was waiting fir him to realuze hiw he had made me ferl and care..only that was never happening.
There were so many conversations that we would have and I would tell him exactly what he had done that would hurt me and why i was hurt and what what could be different and he would always say to me , "I just don't get it I don't get what you're saying " "i dont see it that way" over over again we would have these conversations! I thought he would hear me and things would get better and little did i realize fully then I know he really did not get it nor was he ever going to. I used to feel like i was wasting my air..i was!!
He sucked me dry in every way posdible...i was financially good yo him because God knows he never had steady work...he was always blaming the other guy...he didn't really give a crap about his children either . I would make sure they have gifts and he would feel honestly could care less and I wanted him to be better than that..and treat his kids better. It should have been a red flag for me as well the fact that both of his children constantly. Because they think he's drunk and a loser only cares about his girlfriend S.
If im being truly honest he had never been married before ..strings of relationships that went wrong where he told me it was always the girls fault . looking back who is not married 44 years old . Crazy part is I would tell him let's just get married because I thought if I marry him it would make him be a better guy . Thank heavens I never exited Actually did that..
I think about all of the lies he told on this every other word out of his mouth was a lie big lie , little lie . I Learned to just block out half of what he was saying that I knew they were lies and there was no sense in calling him on it because that would just be torture for me . Every single thing he did they got called out on he turned it around on me like lLisa's books says projection . I started to learn when somebody lies and they get insistent and tell the story with all these details..when you did nit want to hear anything anyway . I don't want this relationship to make me untrusting of people because I always have been .. Yet i feel already the damage has been done.
Thoughts of him and this consume my mind now..i hate it. I kniw i kept gling back chasing that high again i was never getting...knowing that in my mind and feeling it in my hear are 2 different things ..
It makes me angry he isnt upset by our relationship ending..why doesnt he feel pain like me?? Why is it he just goes on with his life like nothing and im syuck ij this hideous place? I realize the answer after readingLisas book, but it is mit making it easier yet..4 years of this has played with my head...writing this now is making me cry...i dont want to cry or feel anxious about this..or half secretly wish he would show up all cured and make me feel better....
I get the reality of his Narc ways and messing with my mind..and i will keep no contact, however he isnt even trying, yet i feel lost a lot of the time...i think of his charming way that always lured me in ...yet i aldo think about, especiwlly because i jpurnaled for the ladt 2 years all the crap he put me through. How poorly he talked to me and treated me..heck it was more bad than good...i realize all of this...in my mind...yet i still feel stuck...i hide how i feel about this from all of my friends..im too embarassed fir people yo know whst i allowed to happen to me or how i allowed someone to treat me..especially him who is just a bottom feeder anyway...