Snowtiger's story

8 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 22 - 7AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Snowtiger's story

Hi everyone,
four weeks after an ugly breakup i've just stumbled upon this concept of the Narcissist. I was dumbfounded to see in how many ways mine fits the bill and i'm pretty convinced that this is the nature of the beast i was dealing with.

Having said that, there are some ways in which he doesnt fit the bill,and i'm wondering if i'm just trying to make him fit into the box to villainize him or something. For example, he was never verbally abusive to me, which seems to be one of the primary characteristics of the N. He was however often verbally abusive/sarcastic to his mother though, and on several occasions (usually when he was cornered) wierd things happened with me, where he suddenly became like a different person, strangely hostile, defensive, aggressive--it freaked me out actually.

My belief is that he wasnt abusive because part of his 'persona' was to be a gentle, cavallier kind of guy (he's italian), and also, he knew that I would never have put up with that kind of abuse, since i have a pretty solid, strong character.

He also seemed genuinely kind at times, and was never vindictive, overtly manipulative, or raging.

Is it possible that there can be a 'benign' narcissist?
(Of course he did just dump me for another woman, completely out of the blue after 3 years with a very lame explanation--nothing benign about that.) For the rest, he fits the bill for about 80% of the stuff i've seen on the web, including more specific things, like being a hypochondriac, stingy, etc.

grateful to all for your thoughts
S

#2 Nov 22 - 12PM

Carolyn

narcissists come in

narcissists come in different sizes. the recent medical data on narcissisim as a genetic disorder indicates that they lack cellular development in the anterior lobe of the brain. Based on that the narcissist operates according to the functional level he is on. some are really extreme and some are just nasty. All personality disorders have some narcissisim which is a lack of sympathy and empathy. He didn't do exactly what other more severe narcissists do but if you want to check out the criteria for diagnosing a narcissist Google and you will see sites that give the list of behaviors that comprise a narcissist, a borderline disorder, a dependent personality disorder etc. In there somewhere is your guy. No one likes being dumped but the alternative, still being with him, is way worse. Consider yourself lucky and go on to the next part of your life. You deserve some fun and nice people after your time with that guy.

#3 Nov 22 - 9AM

Monica

"Stealth" or "covert"

Yes, yes and yes, yours very well could be a Narc. I like the word "stealth" but I think you can also use "covert." Mine was the same. Acts like he is the nicest guy in the world and yet is, in reality, the most self-centered, arrogant, egotistical, pathological lying, unempathetic person I have ever met. But he puts on a great act. And stabs people in the back constantly for his own gain and to make himself look good (as his image is EVERYTHING to him). He would win an Academy Award if they gave one for Narcs. He never verbally abused me, never physically abused me (at least not obviously - I do suspect some of the sex stuff bordered on abuse), but I would see and hear him belittle other people to their face and behind their backs quite often. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't do that to me, too, behind my back even though he publicly treated me half decently. Mine could suddenly become a different person, too, and that was very upsetting to me. Coverts are so hard to pin down and they are VERY dangerous because they are accomplished actors and liars who don't care about anyone but themselves and their own needs and wants.

#4 Nov 22 - 8AM

baddream

Types of Abuse

Mine was never verbally, physically or sexually abusive, so from that perspective, he was "benign". But there is no such thing as a benign Narcissist!!!! Mine was a stealth N.... really a good actor. He wanted everyone to believe he was a good person---- he would treat me like a princess when we were together, but it would quickly turn to hell when he did his devalue & discard (decided he didn't want me and dump me, no reason given, silent treatment, etc, etc..) The "benign" ones are quite dangerous and the really good actors can have us fooled again and again-- this can go on for a really long time. Sometimes I wish he showed his true colors a very long time ago --I would have run away so fast and never looked back

#5 Nov 22 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

Ellen

I often wondered about this too

Hi, I think these are the most difficult to get your head round cos my ExN wasn't verbally abusive as often as he was kind and considerate. Well this 'act' was also stealth abuse. It was so hard to pinpoint that he was an abuser cos of this. He would go for a couple of months giving lifts everywhere (stalking) cleaning the house, cooking (ambient abuse called incapacitating). All was for power and control over me and left me feeling indadequate. Even after he manipulated and set up his departure i thought i was so cruel for thinking badly of him. He manipulated me and blame shifted in order to leave by saying he left cos of the way i treated him. I also found the D&D horrendous what a shock, he didn't need to please me or seem to be a good person any more. He is still walking around saying he is a good kind person. he has fooled himself. This is the most confusing experience i have ever lived through.

#6 Nov 22 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

baddream

Cooking..

Funny you mentioned the cooking. Mine would have to control the kitchen and didn't want to eat what I prepared. Acted like it was never good enough. I'm a pretty good cook, in fact, and he had me doubting myself. I never realized that he was "incapacitating" me, but now that you mention it, that is exactly what he did. I kept trying to make it better, but never good enough.

#7 Nov 22 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

4joys4

Yeah. Mine was "benign" too.

Yeah. Mine was "benign" too. LOL. That is, until he wasnt.

#8 Nov 22 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

no such thing

No such thing as a BENIGN narcissist! __________ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

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