WoundedSoul's story

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#1 Nov 3 - 7AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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WoundedSoul's story

First of all I would like to say thank you for creating this website where wounded souls can get support from wonderful women. I feel so sad that there are so many of us who have gone through this. My heart was bleeding when I was reading story after story.

Well here is my story. When I met my husband he was also charming, romantic, funny... just perfect and too good to be true. He made me feel beautiful in every sense of the word. We fell in love fast (well at least I did). Two months lter we got engaged. During our engagement I started noticing odd behavior. He could not keep his promises and he always had some kind of a logical excuse. The first 4 or 5 times I bought his excuses. Then I got impatient and started complaining. our arguments got more intense each time. I always found myself being the one who ended up apologizing. He had trouble setting a wedding date. He would set vague dates like "how about this winter... we will be married by winter". When winter arrived he would say that one of his family members needed money so he lent it to them and we had to postpone it to spring.

These kinds of mind games went on. One day I discovered that he had a female friend who he was doing business with. I didn't think anything of it. After few weeks he tells me how beautiful she is and how he had a crush on her before he met me. He told me she turned him down. I was getting upset as to why he kept this a secret. While getting off the phone he says "ok I'm going to go sleep with her now". I was so shocked, angry and felt disrespected. He told me he was joking and I was an idoit for not having a sense of humor. Well, I ended up meeting this woman. He didn't want me to but I insisted. When we went to her house. He sat far away from me. He hadn't told her we were engaged. He had told her a day or two before we met. So she was very shocked. He said "yeah I did this for my parents". Meaning he doesn't love me he is doing to make his parents happy.

I felt so hurt and low. He wouldn't hold my hand or show any love towards me in front of this woman. Ater we left I told him how upset I was with his actions. He told me I was being stupid because he was only doing that so she continues to be good business partners with him. She didn't want him at the time he wanted her but after he got engaged to me she had wanted him so he never told her that he was engaged to me. I found out that he always talked about me to her. Telling her how horrible I was and she suggested that he should leave me.

Somehow he tries to convince me everything is business related and I was acting like a "psycho" for no reason. Fast forward we get married. I find out about another woman in his life which he had kept a secret. His ex-girlfriend. She was still involved in his life. He financially supported her and her kids (none were his kids). He said their relationship was business only too. But it made no sense. NO SENSE!!! They acted like husband and wife. I couldn't believe he had kept her a secret from me. Of course we fought daily after that. He was always at her house claiming it was business. When we would fight he would tell me how horrible I was and that I was the worse person he had ever met. That I was a jealous psycho.

It's been almost two years that we have been together. He twists everything around and blames it on me. Every problem he has is because of me. I knew that couldn't be true. I knew something was wrong with him mentally. When I would repeat back the hurtful things he said to me he denied ever saying it. He would say I'm lying because he never did that or said that. I started researching personality disorders and I kind of knew a little about narcissists so I researched narcissism. He fits the description word for word. We don't have a sex life. He says because how can he have sex with someone who fights with him all the time. If we do have sex its a two minute thing with no foreplay... just take off your pants, stick it in and that's it. I know there is something wrong with him so I try not to let his put downs and insults get to be but he gets so cold and nasty. He talks about me to people. Tells them how horrible I am especially to these women. I kept all these things hidden from most of my friends and family. I guess I am hoping things will go back to what they were and everything will workout with time.

I am so confused and hurt. I don't understand what's going to happen. Is there hope? Can such a marriage work?

Apr 25 - 3PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

wounded soul

Just read your story. Wow, our Ns are incredibly alike. It is crazy. the 2-faced, the secret lives, the double talk, the too good to be true, the fact that everyone else thinks they are fabulous, the inability to keep promises, delaying weddings and being noncommittal about it, no sex life in marriage, questionable relationships with old girlfriends, every problem get twisted to be someone else's fault, talks about me to people..... Wow. What is your status now?
Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

ok, there are two

ok, there are two woundedsouls...
Nov 3 - 7AM
admin
admin's picture

welcome

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - Please go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim The marriage would only work if he COULD change - which imho - he is unable. My STRONG suggestion? Start seeing a therapist - BY YOURSELF and make a plan to get free of this soul sucking vampire ASAP. It will not get better. Sorry.
Nov 3 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
WoundedSoul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I tried seeing a therapist

I tried seeing a therapist but I can't afford it. He has maxed out all my credit cards. I really want to talk to a therapist and figure out what the best thing for me is to do. I feel like no one will believe anything I say because he makes himself look like such a great guy. He loves his image. He wants to be seen as a really good person so he always tries to please people. Eventhough he talks about them behind their back. And no matter what anyone accomplishes in their life they are a nobody to him. He lies about his accomplishments. He lies to make himself look good. He buys expansive things to impress people but complains if I buy groceries. He does have his good side. Sometimes I feel maybe he isn't that bad. Maybe we can make it work. Maybe he is stressed. Maybe I'm fooling myself?
Nov 4 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Definitely continue to seek therapy

Wounded Soul, You first need to change your name. Don't victimize yourself any longer. Your soul will not stay wounded!!! You need to first, take the bull by the horns. "GET MAD AND SAY I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!" Yes, this man definitely sounds like a pathological narcissist. I hear you say, "he does have a good side," No, he doesn't. That good side is what he uses to get what he wants. You are a smart cookie, I see that. If you stay with this man, you are going to have more of this "STUFF." You see, I totally empathize, but because I am so CLEAR MINDED now, I see all that you are saying---what you can not see. He can not love you the way you need to be loved----EVER!!! I remember when my therapist said, "it may take one to two years to see things clearly, but when you do, you may not like what you see." Well, it took me three years, and for a time, I wanted my rose colored glasses back. It can be more painful learning the truth than your bargained for, however, in the long run it is what will set you free. Keep reading, keep believing in yourself, and get professional help!!!
Nov 3 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
WoundedSoul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I tried seeing a therapist

I tried seeing a therapist but I can't afford it. He has maxed out all my credit cards. I really want to talk to a therapist and figure out what the best thing for me is to do. I feel like no one will believe anything I say because he makes himself look like such a great guy. He loves his image. He wants to be seen as a really good person so he always tries to please people. Eventhough he talks about them behind their back. And no matter what anyone accomplishes in their life they are a nobody to him. He lies about his accomplishments. He lies to make himself look good. He buys expansive things to impress people but complains if I buy groceries. He does have his good side. Sometimes I feel maybe he isn't that bad. Maybe we can make it work. Maybe he is stressed. Maybe I'm fooling myself?
Nov 3 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He is definitely a sick

He is definitely a sick bast*rd. You are unfortunately part of a club that we all wish we didnt belong to. But you are in the right place for help. The people on this site are wonderful. Get counseling and begin to plan your escape from this narc.
Nov 3 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
WoundedSoul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes he is mentally sick. He

Yes he is mentally sick. He is a sick person. I wish there was a pill he could take. I don't know how to escape. I feel too attached to him. I still am holding on to hope things will get better but I'm living in a dream. I don't know how to get out of this. I appreciate the support. Thank you so much!
Nov 3 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

woundedsoul

then PLEASE - call your local DV Crisis Center and make an appointment to speak to an advocate. They can help you find low or no-cost counseling and make a plan to get out. There's nothing you can do to change him. NOTHING. Things will not get better. Sorry. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/18/married-n-and-waiting-good-times-return http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/01/sticking-narcissist-you-are-making-them-worse ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Wounded Soul,,

Yes, these guys who we were "committed" to lead double lives,,they are always acting to one person, and another act to another, to gain dominance over the situation,,harmony is not amenable to them,,they want control over everybody, all the time,, They get involved in relationships,,to appear normal,,people like you and I could never pervert ourselves to this degree,,however they do it for a living 24 7,,,read as much as you can about the disorder, and you will start to see it come together, and you will see that they are not at all the person you thought they were,,,be grateful that you got away from them,,and stay away from them at all costs,,,,
Apr 25 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

compartmentalization

,they are always acting to one person, and another act to another, to gain dominance over the situation,,harmony is not amenable to them,,they want control over everybody, all the time, And they do EVERYTHING they can to keep those who've caught on to them away from their proxies, families, harems, etc. The compartmentalization is something that I personally see but find it impossible to 'understand.' It's something I've only seen pathologicals do, too. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller