Exposing the narcissist to all of his friends/family/new relationship

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#1 Aug 9 - 4AM
horizons
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Exposing the narcissist to all of his friends/family/new relationship

Did anyone else do this?

A few months ago, thanks to the powers of Facebook, I sent every one of his friends a message, outlining his disorder, the idealize/devalue/discard cycle, a million links about narcissism/psychopathy, and personal experiences with his behavior and how abusive he is. I included specific nasty things he said about all of his "friends".

This was around the period when I finally got some self-respect and realized I couldn't care less what he thought about me. I know everyone says NC is the only way, but I have to say it felt liberating to do something so bold and intrusive, knowing I couldn't care less what he did in retaliation. He has nothing on me -- I wasn't afraid of any possible revenge, because I knew he'd be terrified to screw with me again. He never expected that kind of backbone from me. He'd prefer his privacy/"normal" facade over trying to get revenge on someone who knows his disorder inside and out.

He got inside my mind, but in doing so I don't think he realized I got inside his. He hates that. He knows he can never manipulate me again, now that I can read him like a book.

The silver lining of being an empath :)

Anyone else do anything similar? At least now I know I will never hear back from him again! (This was after 2 months of on-and-off-again abusive contact where he would apologize, then insult me, then blame me).

Again, I know NC is the right way, but it did feel like some good closure. I also liked knowing that the OW (or OM in this case :P) won't have to suffer like I did when he's discarded. Yeah, it'll hurt. But at least he'll have the resources to heal. I used to hate him, despite never having met him, but now I realize he's just the next victim. No one deserves that kind of confusion and pain.

Jul 8 - 12PM
goal_anti_narc_...
goal_anti_narc_strong's picture

I recently just figured out

Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
NoNarcsIsGoodNarcs
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Be prepared for a meltdown

Jul 14 - 4AM (Reply to #23)
goal_anti_narc_...
goal_anti_narc_strong's picture

yup. that girl ran so fast

Jun 24 - 6AM
NoNarcsIsGoodNarcs
NoNarcsIsGoodNarcs's picture

Seems like a few people are saying their narc was bisexual

Jun 22 - 11PM
NoNarcsIsGoodNarcs
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I didn't realize what I was dealing with, but yes

Jun 15 - 5AM
NoToNarcs
NoToNarcs's picture

I outed my narc. Bit of

Apr 6 - 5PM
NolaSusan
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Exposing the narcissist

Nola Susan

Apr 29 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
bumplayer
bumplayer's picture

Exposing the narcissist

Aug 10 - 12AM
gettingoveritagain
gettingoveritagain's picture

Outing the Narcissist

While I have "outed" mine several times to his friends, family and new and old girls he has cheated on me with, I have to say that it feels good , but does not effect him..it just eliminates a few people he was getting his "supply" from and gives him even more time to try to get it from me again or make me miserable..He is not embarrassed or ashamed of his behavior..instead justifies it or convincingly insists it is all lies or that I am psycho. now I have no desire to out him..I just want him to leave me alone...
Aug 9 - 5PM
louloubella
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exposing the narcissist

Hi There! I am relatively new to this site. However, I am as well recovering from relations with an N. In my case he was always calm..he did the gas lighting thing...never the less i did not "out" him per say but i finally stood up for myself and told him off after constantly being devalued and discarded ect...i felt liberated and in control ;) then, of course, i felt awful with the withdrawl kicked in, and today for the first time since email i actually feel a bit better...see the email below.. "yes i know you are angry or whatever?????" how dare you devalue & diminish my feelings....."no that's not true"????......as if i am imagining things?.......... in simple terms...with me you are exercising your optionality...in other words, at the moment there is nothing to benefit from me so you have no reason to keep in contact or care about anything because at the moment there are other more important activities you are involved in....but...you are trying to keep me in the background just in case there is nothing else one day or perhaps concentrix opportunities or whatever strikes your fancy....It's good to keep options opened isn't it Lukas??....good for business, using girls, or whatever....I should have listened in the beginning when you said "i use the girls and hurt them before they hurt me..." So, I AM NOTHING BUT AN OPTION FOR YOU.....another female that you will continue to hurt.....so you play and use words like "oh yes i know i am an asshole for not calling"...blah blah blah...or your standard response "no that is not what i want" (BUT YOU NEVER SAY WHAT YOU WANT!!! YOU KEEP IT A MYSTERY BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WON'T STAY IF I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS!!!)....as though you are the boss in control of this friendship or "special friendship" or whatever it WAS.....you set the rules as they are convenient for you...you call only when there is a reason or when convenient or as though your calling is some special gift to me......???? "i have 5 minutes so i am calling you".....or how about the times you FELL ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR THE TIMES YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME WHILE IN A DRUNKEN STUPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sad news though....i really cared and invested my time and emotions in this friendship because at one point i trusted you and believed when you told me you would always be there for me as a friend......I GUESS ALL IT TOOK WAS FOR ME TO BOOK A TICKET TO MUNICH TO SEE THE TRUTH......"if my friends from northern germany don't come then it should be okay"???? Translation - sure lila my friends from northern germany said they may come but if they don't i can keep you as an alternative and if they come there are always solutions we can find another place for you - I AM A FRIEND WHO YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IN 2 YEARS WHO IS COMING FROM USA.....oh yes..i forgot...i am just an option when there is nothing else more important around...... you don't even know what is going on in my life because you are too busy planning for your vacations, parties, meetings, hair, feet, and sexual affairs with the women you set out to hurt.....YOU SAID IT NOT ME........ more sad news, i expect that while drinking with your misogynist wingmen (partners) that you will twist things around and speak badly about me and my family...you will talk and complain about how difficult or annoying i am....or how much money you gave...it's just what you do.....you can't help it........it's your huge ego..... (by the way...your stint with mark young was your own and you were advised by myself and steve dawson-who did not charge you because of relations with my mom and dad not to engage with those people...but your exact words were "if i don't i will never know so it's like a gamble i am willing to take" so you should shut your mouth about that) i don't expect that you will feel sadness or remorse for your behavior...or that you've lost a great friend....i don't think you are capable....you are too busy feeling sad that your friend is moving to mainz....a couple hours drive in the car.....please.......i don't expect you to feel sad about losing me.....i think you will not even think twice as you are too busy and important....in fact, i expect you to smile and think...."oh she will call because she always does....." that is fine too.....think whatever you want....or don't think....i don't care anymore..... i don't think you are capable of feeling for others...you have no empathy......just feeling for yourself and saying to others what is convenient in the moment....... I also suspect that when you helped me financially it was just what you do because it is easy....no emotional investment involved...and later it is easy to say "i gave her so much money....and she only complained"...... more sad news....i always only speak highly of you and am grateful and let my friends and family know when i thought you were caring.....now i don't know what to say.......or think......... Now i understand Jan (the queen misogynist) ...our friendship will never work because i approach relationships (whether male or female) with caring, empathy and emotion while you have no empathy...instead you have short term "affairs" so you can maintain control and so you can play by your rules to get what you need to feed your ego while void of feelings and regardless of how it hurts the other person...when the the other person questions the rules you walk....... So, i want to thank you for teaching me several hard, confusing and painful lessons.....CONGRATULATIONS LUKAS YOU HURT ME BEFORE I HURT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because i would not have hurt you.....ever......don't you feel fabulous.....or i guess the question would be don't you feel???? Finally, although you spoke badly about dirk's wife i am sure she is a nice person but you will never be friends with dirk's wife......he loves and respects her......and for this you hate her....and she's got you pegged...ha ha she knows you and exactly what you are....or what you are not........ Well, sad for you.....I am no longer an option for you.....too bad....you have no idea what you just lost......now....... I have lost nothing.... Game over.... Thank you....... - Show quoted text -
Apr 6 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
NolaSusan
NolaSusan's picture

Exposing the narcissist

Nola Susan

Aug 9 - 1PM
petal
petal's picture

I've thought about it

A few of my friends and family members suggested this to me but I couldn't do it. My cousin suggested that I forward any texts and emails he still send me to his OW but I won't do it. It's so tempting....I just can't. I pity him, feel very sorry for him because he is messed up and I don't want to make things worst for him. I figure karma will take care of him eventually.
Aug 9 - 1PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What was there to "out"?

The ex-Psych prof threatened to dump me (even tho we weren't romantically/sexually involved) if I told other people how he treated me. The problem was-he had MAJOR verbal diarrhea. Apparently, he'd brag to his colleagues how he was mistreating me... and that's why they had shunned him by my junior year. They were strictly business with him. As for my final D&D, it was PUBLIC and UGLY. The ex-P would be angrily berating me, I'd be weeping, he'd publicly humiliating me, I'd be sobbing "I'm sorry" and he'd be saying coldly "You're embarrassing yourself." My senior thesis advisor happened to go to the same church I did, and right after our pastor died from cancer (we both went to the funeral),the ex-P flaunted his girlfriend. I remember saying to one of the ex-P's colleagues (who had gone to UVA with him),"I didn't know he already had a girlfriend",and the ex-P's colleagues gave me a thoughtful moment of silence. My final D&D wasn't nastiness kept behind closed doors. The ex-P was TOO LAZY to have the "nice in public,a-hole in private" image. He didn't mind that my classmates hated his guts. When I told him that my friends HATED him, he smiled. I know the ex-P is terrified to screw with me again, because if HE broke NC, HE'D be the one having the mental breakdown, while I'd be smiling pompously&licking my chops. He knows that getting revenge on a former student... looks tasteless, and his mind is mine to play with. As a cat does a mouse... before the mouse becomes lunch.
Aug 9 - 12PM
prettypeeved
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I'm surprised at this,

I'm surprised at this, actually. Don't people start thinking YOU have the problem and not the narc?
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

I've learned...

to have a comeback ready "in my back pocket" for any non supportive response. I loop words back around. If they say "Why are you not over it?" I say, "I would be if it were a normal relationship, but because he was such a monster I've been diagnosed with PTSD and could be traumtized for life." If they say or infer, "You're just bitter" I say (laughing), "Of COURSE he'd LOVE for people to believe that. Do you think he'd say I was right and admit to being an abuser? OJ never admitted anything either. Besides he's not THAT good in bed." And sometimes I'll add, "you should've heard what he used to say about so-so and you, too!. It was just unbelievable!" (Adjust this for "crazy" or whatever he says about you.) And my all time favorite is when someone says, "there's two sides to every story." UGH! I say, "YOU'RE RIGHT! Everyone on death row has their side, too!" or "Yes, in fact his side is the same with ALL of his exes." Other random lines: "I should've listened to everyone who warned me about him." "Forgive him? I only forgive people who take responsibility and are genuinely sorry for what they do." "I'm not surprised. He told me he'd smear my name if I tried to tell anyone how he is. " Anyways, you get the drift. Again, I never have direct communication with him and I have alot of back up if he ever tried anything. Right or wrong (and I know alot of people may think this is wrong) I won't give him the satisfaction and relief of being silent. That's what they want.
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
horizons
horizons's picture

Probably. Who cares :)

Probably. Who cares :)
Aug 9 - 8AM
FINALLYFREE2BME
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You Betcha!

Yes, I outed him to everyone. I still do. All of the neighborhood Starbucks know about him (regulars and employees) and have asked him not to loiter leering at women. Plus my new husband plays in a local band and when the N shows up for a gig (he started doing this suddenly after 5 years) I make sure everyone in the bar knows about him (patrons, bartenders, owner, bouncer, etc) and women won't go near him. I've thought of snappy comebacks to every response and can pretty much convince whoever I talk to that I'm telling the truth. I have alot of back up support since my husband and I are respected in the music community which gives me alot of credability. I know NC is best (and I've been NC communicationwise for 5 years) but I feel that silence is their friend. He'd LOVE me to be silent. I won't give him that pleasure. Exposing him makes me feel empowered. A few weeks ago he finally caught on I was doing this and disappeared from the bar scene completely. Good riddance! But I'm sure he'll reappear someday. But I'll keep exposing....
Aug 9 - 7AM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Of Course I Outed Him - Big Time!

I have him posted on a couple of Cheater/Player webistes. His profile is getting well-over a million hits, and he's one of the most popular posts on the Cheater webiste. The OW, while I was mindful that this woman is overly trusting and naive - belives all the garbage the narc is feeding her, I still felt like I had to try to reach her. I don't know if the narc managed to intercept my letter or prevent my emails from going through to her or not, but from his own posting on his former website, it is clear that SHE HAS BEEN WARNED that someone is trying to warn her! At some level she has to know the truth whether she chooses to acknowledge it to herself or not. The truth is out! So when he gets bored, finds new supply, and/or decides to start abusing her with typical narc behavior, I think she will remember the warnings, and it should help her on some level I hope. I don't hate her or wish her any harm on her. She's just his newest victim. I think the relationship should last at least a year, maybe two max, and then its adios amigo. My hope is that after she has been left broken and bleeding, maybe I will be able to reach out to her and comfort her. I hope I have treated her as a compassionate friend reaching out to someone who needs one.
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Professor Review websites

Since I wasn't sexually/romantically involved with the ex-Psych prof, I don't think a Cheater website would exactly work. Thanks to this site, I don't refer to him as an ex-boyfriend... because he was never my boyfriend. I didn't warn his girlfriend (now his wife of a decade)... because I thought "She's an adult. She chose to change jobs&move to be with him. I'm just a student." In my case, I would've looked psycho if I warned her. The ex-Psych prof's name has been posted on several professor review websites, but his reviews are non-existent. Whenever I've told people my story (and my friends made the same bet),they'll blithely say "I doubt they'll last." The ex-P&his wife have been together for A DECADE. So, that's the importance of having ZERO expectations. If I had assumed they'd break up, I'd be the one disappointed. Who knows... maybe the ex-P's wife is much a Narc as he is. He always acted as if he saw a fellow Narc as an ideal partner. He simply wanted someone as self-absorbed as himself.
Aug 9 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
imagonner
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websites?

just curious - what are the websites? I bet my lastest N is on there...he had D & D hundreds of women!
Aug 9 - 6AM
bakingfortherapy
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interesting...

I didnt have to OUT mine... His awful actions...taking OW around town behind my back while I was at home watching his kids, telling people we were broken up when we werent, being obvious to our whole town what a BASTARD he is...!! People dont care that much but they did get disgusted by his selfish actions. It was funny when he said that I told people and that he was getting "shunned". I said I was not that powerful and that his ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN WORDS! In the end their KARMA will come to them all!
Aug 9 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

CORRECTION

I SAID IN MY EARLIER POST, I OUTED HIM TO HIS OW...BUT IT WAS HER WHO CAME TO ME AND OUTED HIM TO ME....I THEN TOLD HER ABOUT WHAT I KNEW ABOUT HIM...THIS HAS ALWAYS BOTHERED ME ,WHY SHE [OUT OF THE BLUE CAME AND TOLD ME] THEY HAD BEEN IN R/S ,BUT WERE NOW GOOD FREINDS.....YES SHE WAS STILL DOING HIS WASHING,IRONING, [WHICH SHE HAD TO GO AND GET]..DRIVING HIM AROUND AND JUST BEIGN A GENERAL DOGSBODY...AND SHE CALLED THIS FRIENDSHIP? AS TIME HAS GONE ON AND I CAN THINK STRAIGHT ,I AM BEGINNING TO SEE THINGS CLEARER...AS TO WHY SHE TOLD ME...ALSO SHE WASENT THE OW WAS SHE? SHE WAS HIS G/F...I WAS HIS FRIEND ONLY.
Aug 9 - 4AM
Used
Used's picture

YES, I OUTED HIM TO HIS

YES, I OUTED HIM TO HIS OW,AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTED TO LISTEN....ALTHO I DIDNT WAIT UNTIL I WAS NC...I DONE IT WHILE I WAS STILL WITH HIM, BUT INTENDING TO GET RID OF HIM....HE PULLED ME ON A COUPLE OF THINGS I HAD SAID,THAT PEOPLE HAD TOLD HIM HIM...I SAID YES I DID SAY IT...SO WHAT!!!!!...I COULD HAVE SAID A LOT MORE THAN I DID AND SHOULD HE BECOME A PEST AGAIN...I WILL!!!!!