Why do narcissists marry so quickly during the luring phase?

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Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #33)
Used
Used's picture

OR MAYBE WHEN THEY

OR MAYBE WHEN THEY DIVORCE[AND THEY WILL] HE WILL BE ENTITLED TO HALF HER MONEY...OR IF NOT HALF..AT LEAST SOME..
Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #34)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What Used said ^^^

And also, it's much harder to get divorced than to just kick someone out who's living with you.
Aug 4 - 10PM
dazed
dazed's picture

My N can"t deal with

My N can"t deal with uncertainty. She always has to be in control. Told me she loved me on day 2 of our relationship and wanted to marry on day 21. She went out to lunch with a guy at the end of our relationship and said he was too old (20 years her senior) and had no romantic feelings for him. Then there was the big d&d with me and she went back to this other guy and within a month wanted to marry him. I agree with deidre that they can't stand to be alone and have to have supply all the time.
Aug 4 - 8PM
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Thank you!

Thank you ladies! I learn so much more with every question I ask and all of your input. It is interesting and validating for me and helps to answer some of the unanswered questions I have. Ex was only divorced from his wife, not just over a year, and only five months out of relationship with me before he married this one and caught her on a dating site. Go figure. Fast and furious! I can guarantee that she knows NOTHING about anything about him. I'm beginning to see that I knew too much. He needed someone who was "fresh" that he could web his lies and deceit about his past and what he's done. I hadn't much thought about it. Thanks for your honest and painful answers! It helps SO MUCh piece this together.
Aug 5 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My exN was separated from his

My exN was separated from his wife for about 9 months during our year+ relationship, when he dumped me for new OW overnight. She's a recycled GF from over 25 years ago that he cheated on his wife with then. All during our relationship he would talk about needing to move forward with his divorce, but never actually did anything but talk. As soon as new OW came on the scene, he couldn't serve his wife with papers fast enough. Last I heard, his divorce will be final in September and he plans on marrying OW soon after that. He has been living with his parents since his separation and is relinquishing his house to exW in lieu of alimony. He will have to pay child support for his 13-year old son and has been struggling with debt, and will be struggling financially for several more years. He used to talk about how he would have to start over from scratch basically with everything. New OW owns a house, has a good job, and a large network of friends that she's very socially active with. She also has the added benefit of having known his family since they were kids, and his parents always thought of her like a daughter and wanted them to get married when they were younger. Jackpot! Perfect long-term supply.
Aug 4 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

A few things I think are the

A few things I think are the reasons behind wanting to marry so quickly: a) they don't take marriage seriously b) have no idea what true love even is, and therefore asking a woman to marry him is nothing to them c) they have to make sure they get you attached, quickly...before you figure them out (before the mask drops so to speak) d) they have a lot to hide And probably a lot more to the list than what I have here. My ex N had 4 ex wives. He told me that he loved me after three weeks of dating, and told me he wanted to marry me (oh goodie, i can be wife #5?? sign me up) after only 5 weeks of dating me. lol He needs to be married. I believe this. He cannot be alone for a second. He needs supply either from online strangers...facebook 'friends,' or from real life women. And I predict he'll be married again very soon. It's just the way he is...and I think many narcs loathe being alone...because they don't like being alone with THEMSELVES. So, they need a mirror (other people) to show them who they are. Which is why they get upset when we, their victims, speak up for ourselves and stop taking their abuse. The mirror cracks and they lose their footing. Just my two cents, anyways.
Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Exactly!

Mine also hated being alone. He needed constant supply from everywhere too. Would always talk about how lonely he was and didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. He was talking about marrying OW within a few weeks of being insta-couple of the year. My mother, who is also a narc/psychopath, hated being alone too and was married 5 times and engaged more times than I know about. Her 4th husband she only knew 6 months when she married him, but he moved in a few months before that. Lasted only 2 years. Her 5th husband, she only knew 6 weeks before marrying him! I swear, as they get older they get more desperate. That lasted over 15 years until he died a few years ago (he was much older) but only because neither one of them had any better options. If they could have they would have divorced because they despised each other. Worse marriage I've ever seen and was sexless from almost day one. If my mom could have afforded it, or if another man had come along, she would have dumped him in a heartbeat, because she divorced all her other husbands for much less. Plus, the older she got, the worse she got at keeping her mask on, so she wouldn't have been able to even trap anyone. My sister and I, not knowing about NPD then, used to talk about how she was like a Black Widow who lured her husbands in with her chameleon act and trapped them in her web. And then wham! We all know what happens next. Little did we know then how this description is exactly what the N/P does with his victims. We used to feel sorry for this guy getting suckered in by our mother, but it turns out, my mom was HIS 5th wife too! He had 7 children by 4 different women. They both thought the other one had money (which they didn't). At his memorial service, some of his children came and shocked everyone with the story of how he had abandoned them and their pregnant mother when they were kids. They had to hire a private investigator to locate his whereabouts. Can we say double-narced? He and my mother deserved each other.
Aug 4 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Deidre

You just hit on something important that I have neglected. My ex HATED being alone, stating "I don't want to be alone the rest of my life". I think you're right. So if that is true, why do they sabotage each marriage so that they ultimately wind up being alone?
Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

This is so strange to

This is so strange to me... And the more I read the more I think my exN was misdiagnosed. GDIT! He wants to be alone. He's terrified of being hurt by people. He spends most of his time pushing people away... One of his NUMEROUS reasons he broke it off with me was because he wants to be alone. And I believe it 100%. He was perfectly comfortable alone before I came along and turned his little world upside down. He'd gladly sit at home alone for days on end without anyone coming to see him. He'd been in his apartment for over 2 years and only 2 people had visited OTHER then the people who helped him move in... His ex wife tried for 14 years to get him to marry her in the first place. He dragged his heels... She said I want children... I think she was hoping he'd say "Then we're done." But instead he said "Well then we're getting married because I don't want bastard kids." A year later she says "I don't love you anymore" and kicks him out.... childless. Not a real shock to me though... he couldn't get off unless he jerked off... how the fuck was he going to knock her up? What an ass. Narc? Maybe not! Still a fucking psycho at any rate.
Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He sounds more like a

He sounds more like a Cerebral Narc than a Somatic one maybe. They prefer masturbation and being alone to actual intimacy with another person. And deep down, they ALL hate intimacy and eventually drive everyone way by sabotaging their relationships. They fear abandonment and yet create a self-fulfilling prophecy by their own actions. They are truly their own worst enemy. It gets worse as they get older and they can become hermit-like. They get to a point I think, that they just don't have the energy or motivation to keep up the pretense and the mask anymore to garner new supply, and by then they have burned all their bridges as past enablers abandon them over time.
Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Cerebral Narc and Passive-Aggressive Man

You have described my narc perfectly Smitten Kitten. Unfortunately, with these guys ED problems are a frequent occurrence. Yes, they do much better playing with themselves than with a partner. They know how how talk a good game, but when it comes time to prove it, no can do. Thank you S.M. for the great description. I hope you will expand on the cerebral narc further. Fascinating!
Aug 5 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
badjer
badjer's picture

My ex purposefully filled up

My ex purposefully filled up his nights and weekends because he "didn't want to be sitting indoors alone" if he could avoid it….
Aug 4 - 7PM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

The Real Reason A Narcissist Wants to Marry so Quickly

Because this hottie has to move fast. The clock is ticking and his time is fast running out before we start to figure him out, what his agenda is or start responding to our own red flags. Is it because he's so into us? No! It's because he wants to get bethrothed to our checkbook before we have a chance to check him out fully, find out his debt load, his mental, criminal history or much of anything else about him that would cool us off if we knew! He has to get us hooked as quickly as possible. Once we're married to him, in his mind - he owns us and everything else we have including our money! It's all a trap baby, and we often fall into it (including me!).
Aug 10 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Going after the checkbook

The ex-Psych prof LOOOVED this quote from Leo Tolstoy about how Cossack men were financially dependent on their wives. I remember him quoting it verbatim: http://bigbook.posterous.com/tolstoy-and-females Tolstoy talks about how Cossack men didn't treat their wives with any consideration, weren't affectionate with them in public (I certainly saw that with the ex-Psych prof&his girlfriend,never seen such coldness) He talks about how Cossack men merely saw their wives as a means to an end, but were dependent on the women's labor. It was reflected in Tolstoy's life-his wife, Sofia, was in charge of the business side of his writing. The ex-P WANTED to be financially dependent on me. But this isn't Russia.
Aug 10 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

"This isn't Russia. Is this

"This isn't Russia. Is this Russia?" ~ Ty Webb (Caddyshack) Okay, sorry. Saw a Caddyshack quote opportunity and had to throw it out there! :):):) Hmmm. . . now that I think about it, Ty might have been a narc.
Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Marrying the checkbook

The ex-Psych prof would say "What if I dumped you for an heiress?" He was ALL ABOUT marrying for money. For the 4 years I was with him, he tried (in vain) to get access to my money. Sometimes I wondered what he wanted from me... since I supplied neither money nor sex. I didn't even cook for him. In his favorite book, "War and Peace",MANY characters wed for $$$. Helene marries Pierre because he's loaded. Nicholas Rostov cruelly dumps his childhood sweetheart Sonya, then marries Princess Maria... because Maria is an heiress. When my grandfather died, the ex-P had his eyes on my money. He raged at me when I volunteered instead of getting a paying job. Yet he'd accuse me of going after him as a sugar daddy. He ended up marrying a curator who was paid MORE than him... so she could help him buy a house. It was all about the money.
Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SG

Well said! That is ALL sooooo true.
Aug 4 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

Soaper

I know I've read bits and pieces of your story here, so forgive me if this question begs yet another answer to me about it...how long were you married to this man and how long dating before you married him and afterwards, caught on?
Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #13)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

We didn't marry

We were engaged (He proposed 3 times 3 months into relationship.) We had plans to marry, but were waiting for me to become old enough to take early retirement. It was a LDR. Then, last fall, just about 2 months before I was scheduled to move in with him, I was diagnosed with cancer and that threw a monkeywrench into everything. Narcs hate sick women! Once I had surgery to remove a breast, I was damaged goods to this dude. Missing a breast, I lost a great deal of my appeal for him. In fact, during the D&D he indicated he wanted a guarantee that I'd never have cancer again, which of course I couldn't give him despite having only about a 5% chance of recurrence (the average woman has about a 6% chance of developing cancer during her lifetime.) I think that ws a major excuse to dump me. I think he spent the winter trolling on Match.com for new supply. Finally,. he found a woman even more desperate and gullible than I had been, and she had lots of money, an expensive home and successful business as well. Meantime, he kept stringing me along until he was sure he had this woman locked in. Whereas, even without the cancer, he had to wait around a year for me, this woman was willing to let him move in 3 weeks after meeting him in a coffee shop. I figure they probably starting communicating that last month we were supposedly "together" and he was too busy to talk with me. They couldn't have been together long, I'm sure not more than a few weeks. I'm guessing early in February they met on Match.com. My narc and I had casually emailed back and forth for a couple of years before that (it wasn't a romantic situation-just discussion over soap opera storylines over a show we had in common. (I was a fan and he ran website based on the show), and then his wife was dying from cancer - which I felt sorry for him over!) Yes, pity was his hook! One thing I will be forever ashamed over is that I didn't realize from his descriptions during her illness that he abused his dying cruelly, and I didn't pick up on that. Example: the night she died, her lungs were filling up with fluid. Basically she was drowning in her own chest fluids...the narc, well he just sat in the other room watching TV knowing she was gasping for air...then he showed up only in their bedroom in time for her to "die in his arms". Then he called the paramedics after it was too late for them to be able to help her! Why didn't I see how phony he was about everything? Why! I feel so stupid and gullible now! And I felt sorry for this bum!
Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #14)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

Soaper.... That cancer

Soaper.... That cancer probably saved your life. God works in mysterious ways so they say.
Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

At times, I've thought and wondered the same thing

That thought has crossed my mind a number of times. The wonder of it all gets to me. Today, I am narc free! I am also considered cancer free, and unlikely to ever have it again! Thanks to reconstruction by some highly skilled doctors, I also have TWO breasts again complete with nipples and aerolas. I look every bit like the normal, healthy woman I am. Well, I do have one aerola that is darker than the other, but it is expected to fade in time along with any remaining scars to look as natural as possible. Yup! Life is good. I think the cancer saved me as well. My narc's deceased wife had cancer three times. The last time killed her. She died at age 54. I will turn 63 in two months. Many more birthdays are expected so my doctors tell me! I'm gonna die a very old woman!
Aug 5 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

So glad to hear this!

You put a BIG smile on my face! Narc and cancer-free. LOVE to hear wonderful news like that. A long, healthy, happy life to you! :):):)
Aug 4 - 6PM
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

Mmmm would some of them marry

Mmmm would some of them marry to further devalue their previous partner? As in "HA! I never married you but I'm marrying this girl I pretty much just met to show you that YOU were not good enough and YOU are the problem" Or once they discard previous supply, they're done with you and don't care anymore?
Sep 17 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Better Now
Better Now's picture

i wondered the same thing

Aug 4 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

done with you and dont care anymore

oh that stings. That is a hard pill to swallow but you might be right. I wish I knew the answer.
Aug 4 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Ironically...

For Ns/Ps, marrying the partner is the ULTIMATE devaluing. It's not just a matter of discarding/devaluing the previous partner (that's definitely a factor)... but of devaluing the partner they're marrying. In his diary, Leo Tolstoy referred to Sofia as "plain and vulgar"... not long before he married her. Let's remember that Ns/Ps DON'T want what they have, and what they have, they DON'T want. As Sam Vaknin has noted, for Ns/Ps, the ultimate insult they can give to anyone is marry them.
Jul 12 - 3AM (Reply to #8)
JesusCanHealThis
JesusCanHealThis's picture

Marry quick divorce quick

Be His <><

Aug 5 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
badjer
badjer's picture

O often wondered whether my

O often wondered whether my ex dumped me this last time round because he thought I was free - and after all that time while I was married…it was like he was saying "you made me wait all that time…..now you're going to be free, I don't want YOU any more…' He moved quickly with me too. Very soon it was serious and he wanted me to move my divorce along. I too suspected at the time that there was an element of panic about it, almost of "If I don't do this now she will wake up one day and smell the coffee.." which I started to do. He often remarked he was scared I would leave my husband and then wonder what in God's name I had left him for. The speed is to ensure catchment. And you're right - they have such a low opinion of themselves that anybody who sinks to the level of marrying such worthless trash is worthless in their eyes.
Aug 4 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
RubyWoo
RubyWoo's picture

That is a weeeeeeird concept

That is a weeeeeeird concept to get! But then, they are weird. Should I feel happy he never proposed now? Haha!
Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
badjer
badjer's picture

For them it is about

For them it is about self-esteem. For all their arrogance and bluster, they have none. They are, as my ex once described himself, "a hate filled black hole of negativity." Would you respect someone for marrying a turd covered in perfume? Nope. They don't respect people who put up with them, either. It's twisted and warped but that is how they work XXX